When is an age difference too big between siblings?

Parentberries
1

Not a mum-to-be, but I felt this was the best place to put this, and I wanted the opinions of you lovelies.

I always thought I had a pretty big age difference between my siblings and I; I’m 12.5 years their elder, but I’ve recently met a family who are full of absolutely MASSIVE age differences.

First I met E. He has a full sister 2 years his younger, a full sister 9 years his younger and a maternal half sister 23 YEARS his younger. He also has three step or adopted siblings (he isn’t sure which, he doesn’t speak to his mother) who are 21, 23 and 26 years his younger.

I also met S, who has a maternal half-brother 5 years her younger, a maternal half brother 12 years her younger, a maternal half brother 15 years her younger and a maternal half sister 21 years her younger. She also has half sister who are 5 years and 2 years her elder.

Her step-cousin T has a stepbrother the same age as her, a stepbrother 3 years her younger, a maternal half sister 8 years her younger, a paternal half brother 7 years her younger, and twin paternal half siblings who are 11 years his younger.

E is close to his full sisters, but is like a parent to his half-sister. He’s never met the step/adopted siblings.
S is close to her eldest half brother and step sisters, but barely knows the rest.
T is close her her maternal half sister, and is getting closer to her paternal family and stepbrothers, but says the age difference and culture difference makes it really hard.

I too love my siblings to bits, but am not very close to them at all.

When do you personally think an age difference between siblings makes a relationship very difficult? Personally, I think anything above 10 years, maybe even 5, makes thinks difficult.

2

I don’t feel like age differences between siblings can ever be too big (or too small.) So much depends on the particular way that the family works. [name_f]My[/name_f] husband is 14 years older than his little sister. They did not grow up in the same house, but they are just as close as he is with his brother and other two sisters, who were all born within four years of each other. There are generational differences, of course, but these haven’t been important in their relationship. It is easy for them to get along, they speak with each other pretty often, and they have a lot in common. But then, we count among our close friends couples in their 80s and couples in their early 20s. Age hasn’t been a very important factor for us when it comes to selecting friends. If you are a person who feels weirded out when you realize that a friend was born in a different decade, you will probably want a closer age gap for your kids.

[name_f]My[/name_f] sister has a 14 year old son and just had a baby girl a few months ago. She says that in many ways, it is much easier because her son is a really helpful kind of guy. And in some ways it is challenging because she wants to be really involved in her son’s life and not just let him go play video games in his room all day because that would be easiest. [name_f]My[/name_f] sister is a great mom, though, and I feel like my niece and nephew will grow up very close.

3

Ideally I say 3-4 years difference is the best. I have nieces who are very close their husbands are best friends and the age difference makes no difference that I am aware of.

I guess at the end of the day it is about people connecting and keeping up with each other not about the years between.

4

It really depends on the circumstances, the way the family works, and what the expectations are. If you want your children to be best friends, it’s probably not the wisest thing to have them 15 years apart, but in my experience, large age gaps are not usually planned out like that. It’s often: a) due to fertility issues [tried to have children closer in age, but unable]; b) due to relationship issues [younger child or children are with a second spouse]; c) due to surprise or other circumstances not initially planned for [younger child was a surprise; first child was unplanned and parents waited until their circumstances had changed to have more; or parents planned to stop expanding their family, then later felt the pull to have more].

I have one friend who is 25 years older than her youngest sibling. She’s the oldest of 12. They are a pretty close family, although obviously she doesn’t know her youngest sister as well as some of the others because she was not living with the family when the little one was born. Still, she loves her sister and visits often. If the older siblings continue living at home or live nearby, they can still be close to the younger ones. On the other hand, I know people close in age to their siblings who either never see them or strongly dislike them. I wouldn’t NOT have a child because the age difference would be “too big”, though I would probably adjust how I would foster closeness between the siblings.

5

This.

[name_f]My[/name_f] half-brother was 19 years older than me. He is my father’s son from first marriage and he never lived with us. When I was little he was traveling all the time (and we were, too, but not together with him) so I didn’t see him often, but we had an amazing relationship. I think we would be close if we spent more time together. Unfortunately he died when I was 9.

6

I agree with what’s already been said, that age differences will definitely change the relationship but saying that a difference is too large or too small is impossible to quantify.

I suppose if you have specific goals for your children it could be something to consider. If you want your kids to be great friends having them 8 years apart might make that difficult.
If you want the older to mentor and protect the younger having them only 9 months apart would make that more difficult.
If you want them to never bicker and fight having them close together will make that less likely.

But it’s always hard to say how personalities will interact. I’ve heard of siblings many years apart who are best friends. I’ve heard of younger siblings who are more responsible than their elders and are always helping them out.

There are no hard and fast rules for human relationships.

7

There are over ten years between my oldest uncle and my dad because my dads the youngest of 7. I don’t think they were too close when they were younger but now they are adults they get along well (even though they are super competitive). I’m only 2.5 years older then my sister and 5 years older then my brother but I fight so much with them much. I would so now my brother seems so much younger he’s ten and I’m 15 so we aren’t doing anything in common.

8

“If you want them to never bicker and fight having them close together will make that less likely.”

[name_u]True[/name_u]! But if they’re the same sex (and maybe even if they’re not) they could be inseparable BFFs, too.

From what I’ve seen (and of course I am incredibly biased) siblings that are 4+ years apart fight plenty, and they don’t enjoy nearly the close friendship that the closer-in-age siblings do.

9

I only have brothers. One is 7 years older than myself, and one is 15 months younger than I am. We all get along really well and almost never fight. There is a lot of teasing and joking around, but never real arguing. Okay, my younger brother and I used to get at each other’s throats a bit in our teens but that was short lived & never anything serious. I have always been very close with my younger brother - there was a long stretch in my childhood where my older brother was fun to be with but back then 7 years felt like AGES so he was kind of more of a parental figure or something - but over time that has faded & now we are pals.

I don’t think age differences are important overall. There are times when lots of space makes it difficult to relate & too close together makes it easy to annoy each other. Myself I always planned to have my kids close together (like within 2 years of each other) because I want them to have that close relationship that I had with my younger brother when we were little.

I have heard 3 year spacing is brutal & siblings 3 years apart fight like cats & dogs.

10

[name_f]My[/name_f] only sister is about 9.5 years older than me. We never fought, and we get along splendid as adults, but growing up I mostly felt like an only child, especially in middle school and high school after she had left the house. Sometimes I wonder what life might have been like with siblings closer to my age!

11

[name_f]My[/name_f] sister is 2.5 years older than me and my brother is 4 years younger. [name_f]My[/name_f] sister and I fought constantly growing up- we were so close in age and both girls, so we were in competition about everything. I feel like the sisters I know who are close in age fight a lot more than when the siblings are opposite sexes. I think there is just less competition with a boy and a girl than with two girls.

On the other hand, I begged and begged for a little brother or sister. [name_f]My[/name_f] parents did not have my brother just to oblige me, but I was thrilled when he was born. We were inseparable growing up, and we even shared a room (because it was not possible for my sister and I to share, she hated me too much.)

Now that we are adults, my sister and I are very close. We talk every few days. [name_f]My[/name_f] mom always said this would happen, we always swore we would never see each other again once we grew up. [name_f]My[/name_f] brother and I are still close as well, though we live in different states now so we don’t see each other as much. [name_f]My[/name_f] brother and my sister are not close at all.

Of course, a lot of this is personality dependent and parenting dependent. [name_f]My[/name_f] sister did not want me to be born, and she did not want my brother to be born, either. There are probably ways to raise siblings in greater harmony so that they don’t feel like they have to fight all of the time.

12

I’m 4 years older than one sister, 6 years older than the next and 21 years older than the next. [name_f]My[/name_f] sister that is 4 years younger I get along well with. The 6 years younger I never got along with and don’t really know now. Those two really didn’t get along. The youngest is now more like one of my kids rather than a sister.

I certainly hope that 5 isn’t too many years as my son will be 5 in 2 weeks and his sibling won’t be born until [name_f]October[/name_f].

13

[name_f]My[/name_f] mum is 19 years older than her brother and 22 years older than her sister. They have an alright relationship, though they live in the UK and my mum has been here for 17 years so their relationship is not perfect.

For me, at the most if I could decide I would want five years between my children. Hopefully 2 years between each but who knows how my life will turn out :slight_smile:

Like others have said, I think it all depends a great deal upon personality types. Some siblings are close, some are not in the slightest and I think age difference plays only a small role in the matter.

14

my sister (half sister) and I are 7 and a half years apart, when I have kids I want them closer but if they have a large age gap thats fine

15

Personally I don’t think there is such a thing as “too big” of an age gap. I’m 11 years older than my youngest sibling (and only sister). She and I are pretty close, but I’m more of a second mother to her than I am to our brothers (4 and 7 years younger than me). And that’s fine. The sibling dynamics are different with different age gaps, but you can’t expect all sibling dynamics to be the same, even if the age gap is the same. People are different, so they’re going to get along different. The 11 years between us has in no way harmed our relationship/closeness as sisters.
[name_f]My[/name_f] dad is the youngest of 6 kids. He was the surprise baby at 10 years younger than his closest sibling, a brother, 20 years younger than his other brother (10 years between each son) and 25 years younger than his oldest sibling, a sister. He’s not incredibly close to his sisters. He and his brothers, however, run a business together, and are always willing to help each other with anything, at any time, because that’s what family does. I have no clue what the family dynamic was like when they were younger, but they over all have a pretty good relationship now, despite 10 years between each of them.

16

I don’t think a large age difference makes things more difficult necessarily, but it does change the relationship. I have a sister that’s 11 years older than me and she always felt more like a cool aunt than a sister when I was growing up. We’re pretty close as adults though. And my brother who’s 7 years older than me is now one of my best friends, despite the fact that we didn’t get along at all as children.

17

I have a half-brother who is 10 years older and a half-sister 14 years older. They grew up with their Mum, so we never lived together. [name_f]My[/name_f] brother is the “black sheep” of the family, so I don’t have much to do with him anymore, but when I was little (under 5) he used to play with me a lot. I have pictures of him pushing me round the house in a box on wheels! He did briefly live with us as an adult (I was probably around 11) when he was homeless, but that didn’t work out, and I think I’ve seen him maybe once or twice since then. I only really see my sister at birthdays, holidays and funerals, but I do talk to her on FB sometimes. Being the youngest and with my parents being the youngest in their families, I’ve always felt disconnected from my extended family. I wish I had siblings closer to my age. If I ever have kids, I would want more than one with an age gap no bigger than a few years.

18

I don’t think age differences between siblings matter too much. I mean, ideally I think two years is a good difference. But some families have siblings with a much larger age gap and they have a good relationship. [name_f]My[/name_f] nephews are 14 and 11 and my niece is 1. That’s a big gap between the boys and [name_u]Lexi[/name_u]. But they absolutely dote on her and, no doubt, they’ll all have a great relationship when they’re grown up, too.

19

[name_f]My[/name_f] brother is 4 years older than me and my mom always, always said that 4 is the best age gap. Her word, not mine. We’re quite close anyway. :slight_smile:

20

I do think a 2-3 age gap is better than a 6-7 age gap.

Regardless the age if you’re going to be close, you are going to be close; if you’re not, you’re not.

But I still think the smaller the age gap the better.

[name_f]My[/name_f] brother is 27. [name_f]My[/name_f] sister is 26. I’m 20. And my sister is 14.

So that’s a 1 year difference.
A 6 and 7 year difference.
And a 6, 12 and 13 year difference.

[name_f]My[/name_f] mother definitely waited too long on me and the youngest.
Those differences are a little extreme.

I’m super close to all my siblings, but I feel like we could’ve been closer and could’ve created more memories had the age gap not been so big.