When is the right time to ttc?

Parentberries
1

OH and I are gasping to ttc soon! So many people around us are having babies and we are so broody and desperate to start a family! OH would go ahead with it straight away, but being the sensible one, I’m considering a few ‘iffy’ things first (considering we are successful in ttc)

First, theres the house. We currently live in separate flats. We have been looking for a house together since the new year with no luck so far. I dont see how, if we had a child, we could all fit under one roof as both of our flats are tiny and one bedroom. OH’s argument is ‘in the 9 months it takes to have a baby we are sure to have found a house.’ I know if I want to take that risk. What if we dont? What if we only just have? I dont want to move in at say, 36 weeks and then give birth before we are even settled ourselves. But it could take another year to find a house…and I dont know if I can wait.

Secondly, the job. We both have good jobs with a good annual salary. My issue is that im on a fixed term contract which ends in May. Rumour is that it will be extended for another year (and that would be regardless maternity leave or not), but, what if May comes and I’m left without a job and pregnant? Will OH’s salary be enough? I dont know.

Thirdly, not as much of a worry, but a nagging thought, is the engagement. We aren’t engaged yet, but OH has made it very clear that he has a cunning plan up his sleeve. I have no idea when he is planning to pop the question, but I know that he is. I’m perfectly fine with having a baby before being engaged, but I dont want the engagement to happen during the (hypothetical) pregnancy, as I’m worried people will think we are getting engaged simply because I’m pregnant. I could wait, but how long? This plan of his may not be for another few years as far as I know…help!

Part of me wants to go for it. Part of me wants to consider things first. What are you all thinking? Thank you all!

2

There is never a perfect time to have a baby. It totally turns your life upside down. I’d personally wait until you’re both living in the same house and you feel a bit more secure about your job, but again, neither one is a total deal breaker. [name_f]Remember[/name_f], also, getting pregnant might take you a while so you have that time to settle things as well.

3

Everyone is different and honestly I don’t think anyone will be able to answer your question perfectly. I just try to remind myself that people get pregnant unexpectedly all the time. We were one of them, although we had steady jobs and were married at the time it was still scary and crazy - we did have to find a house within 9 months but that wasn’t as bad as I thought it would be. I [name_f]DO[/name_f] think it would be way hard to live in separate houses so that would be my only suggestion. Other than that, there’s no “right” time and one size does not fit all. [name_m]Even[/name_m] if you don’t feel ready you may be, and even if you feel super ready you might not be in the end. BUT, I am a firm believer of the fact that no matter what, you make it work.

5

I agree and disagree with the whole “perfect time” because no one is ever really ready for a baby and the worst can happen like your house catches on fire and baby’s due next week, HOWEVER, I do believe that you can set goals and complete those before thinking about adding a baby to the mix to lessen the stress and changes, which is what we did and we will be TTC this [name_f]September[/name_f]!

We were old fashioned and wanted to be married first. I also wanted to be a married for at least a year beforehand, have some “us” time. Other things on the list were: wanted a house, wanted a steady income (enough so I could become a stay at home mom for awhile, maybe work from home - you’ll have to do the math on this one before deciding to quit your job, I only work part-time so what I make is kind of “bonus” or “fun” money, and with child care expenses being so high, it wouldn’t make sense for me to work), wanted to fix up the house, wanted to have enough in savings for an emergency (3 months income), and I signed up to do a 10k in [name_f]September[/name_f], so that is kind of forcing us to wait at this point…

We’ve been married for almost 3 years, I spent that last two going “I want a baby” every time I saw someone else having one, friend, family, coworker, etc… (ended up getting a puppy last year and that helped! she’s my baby) but I stuck to my list and am glad. There is plenty of time to have a baby (unless you’re 35+, then I can see wanting to rush a bit) and the most important thing is that when you decide to try you feel confident and comfortable, both in your head and heart.

However, this is someone who doesn’t live life on the edge and has a plan for almost everything! I don’t take risks unless I feel confident that I can handle them. In the end, this is between you and your partner and only you guys can decide if you are ready or not.

Also consider that you could get lucky and get pregnant on your first try, happened to my doctor and my cousin, so I wouldn’t take the whole “it’ll take a few months” approach because it might not!

6

As you can tell by my sig, my husband and I are planning on TTC in 2018. That may seem like a long time to plan it ahead, but it really does give us time to accomplish some other goals. We are saving for a down payment, we plan on moving cross country to a new community next year, it gives us time for a little bit of salary mobility, etc. I also plan on running my first marathon before then, I plan on having an expensive orthodontic surgery and having good dental recovery before then (teeth are so important to consider with pregnancy). We already have an emergency fund of 9 mo salary for the two of us, but there are other financial considerations (our car is 10 years old, and while we plan on keeping it for another 10, we always have to have that contingency in case that proves unrealistic. We also plan on two pregnancies and one adoption, and we would like to have most of the adoption costs saved before we begin TTC with baby #1). [name_m]Will[/name_m] 2018 wind up being right for us? Who knows. A lot can happen between now and then, but I’m confident that it’s a good date to have in mind.

All in all, if anything, we plan to move the date forward to late 2017. But if it moves back a year or so, I’d be ok with that too. I am young, though (24), so I know that (while anything can happen, and fertility is never a given) time is not a huge factor. I will be 27 in 2018, and I think that would be perfect for me to start. DH will be 35. The time factor for me is actually about our parents and grandparents. My great grandmother was alive and healthy and vibrant until I was 16, and I so appreciated getting to know her. My grandmother is not in nearly as good health for her age now as my greatgrandmother was, but I still hope that she will get to meet my three children before she inevitably passes on. Likewise, my father, and hubby’s parents are all older. My dad turns 70 this year, and DH’s parents are in their mid-sixties. DH has both grandmothers left, but their health is so prohibitive that I would be absolutely elated if they got to meet our first child (they also live in Hong Kong, and are unable to travel, so we are talking I would have to recover from delivery before their meeting would be an option at all). Anyway, enough about my personal life, but that’s all to say that your own age may be less important to your fertility than the age of those near and dear to you, so I would take that into consideration as well.

I don’t know that there is ever a perfect time to TTC, but as long as most of your ducks are in some semblance of a row, enough so that you feel confident that things will be alright, then TTC as you both see fit!

7

Thank you everyone for your responses, I have really enjoyed reading them. Its making me more confident with the decisions I want to make!

8

You can very easily/comfortably live in a 1 bedroom flat with a young baby. They’ll be in your room for at least 6 months anyway, so the nursery is mostly for show/storage for most people during that time.

As far as the engagement, it depends how much you care what others think or the public perception is. For me, if I was confident we’d be engaged anyway, it would make a difference. But if you’ll be insecure about his motives during proposal or embarrassed to tell people you’ve got engaged during pregnancy, maybe you should wait. Unless it’s frowned upon in your religion or culture though, tons of couples have babies before marriage or engagement.

If you’re mentally and emotionally and financially prepared for a baby (and I don’t mean you can afford every perfect recommended thing and a great nanny and save for college, I mean as long as you can feed your kid and put a roof over their head and not constantly be stressed about money), I think it comes down to when you feel comfortable trying.

9

I totally understand wanting to do things in a certain order, getting your ducks in a row, so to speak. I personally wanted to wait until we were married, and then a couple more years so we could enjoy some married couple time before having children.

However, if I had to do it over again I wouldn’t wait. We started TTC when I was 32 and ended up taking us three years and three IVF cycles to fall pregnant. Part of our IVF struggle has been that I have a low egg reserve (and hence got very few eggs each cycle), and not great quality eggs, so starting earlier could have made a difference with these factors. We’re currently pregnant with our first and debating if we’ll want to go back for a second as it’ll just be even harder then as I’ll be older (prob 37 or 38 by then). It’s hard as I always wanted more than one.

So my advice is don’t discount your age and plans for multiple children when making your decision, because it could make a huge difference. If you’re still in your 20’s you should be fine to wait a bit longer till you’re more comfortable. And if you do wait, make sure you use the time to keep yourself healthy in the meantime as it helps when TTC and when pregnant :slight_smile:

10

edited for privacy

11

@bluejuniper: Thank you for sharing your struggles. I think that everything you had to say is definitely valid, particularly planning for the number of kids you want. In order to put myself through school, I did full-time nannying and babysitting. Over the years, I worked closely with about 2 dozen families, and I got to know their own fertility stories pretty well. In Massachusetts, the average age at first maternal birth is 29, but the youngest mother I worked for had her first child at 31. THE YOUNGEST, I repeat. I worked with a mother who had an infant at 48, and most of the moms I worked for had their first between 35-38. I even worked with two (separate) mothers who had opted for single-motherhood via sperm donation, both beginning at age 39, because they were afraid that they would run out of time before meeting “that special someone.” I had the opportunities to ask many of those families what they thought about as the right time to have kids.

I’d say about 70% of those moms wished they had started earlier. Many wound up having trouble with fertility. A few had children with Down Syndrome or autism-spectrum disorders, and while they wouldn’t trade their children for another, they wished that they had taken the statistics into account when planning their families. Many had twins (either through IVF or because they had an infant, and then were so pressed for time or fertility biologically that they began TTC right after the first was born, which increases the change of multiples) and didn’t feel prepared for twin-motherhood, or felt like having twins restricted the rest of their planned parenthood. And it seems like ALL of these mothers were over-tired, over-extended, and worn down. Of course, part of that is just motherhood, period. But I do believe that taking care of kids is a lot easier when you’re young and fresh, as long as you’re mentally prepared for motherhood in general.

The other 30% or so actually said they had chosen the right time, and the number one reason they cited was that they had waited until they were in a good spot in their careers. Honestly, those parents seemed from the outside to be even more haggard and over-extended than the rest, so I don’t know if their advice should even be taken at face value, but that was their opinion. They had the money to deal with fertility treatments or the extra care costs of “advanced” maternal age, etc, so that’s one thing, but from the outside, it seems like they would have done well to avoid those costs if possible.

Those are actually the main considerations I made when thinking about my own 2018 start-date. Like I said, I think it’ll be the right time for me, at 27, but who knows how I’ll actually feel. But @bluejuniper, your post made me realize that I down-played the importance of age, so I wanted to go back and give my two cents about that, too.

Everything else from my first post still stands, though. And it’s always up to you both when to start.

13

I would say that it’s important to have an understanding of when fertility declines, yes. And when risks increase due to advanced maternal and paternal age. I think I remember it being something like fertility declines after age 27 and then more after age 35 and then even more after age 40? But this is easy to look up if you are making these decisions.

We stated ttc back in 2004. We were both 25, and very healthy, so the chances of this just working were excellent. We had a one bedroom apartment in LA and no money and we were just going to make it work.

However, it did not work. We did not have the money to pursue fertility treatments at that time (most fertility treatments, including IVF, are in fact pursued by women under the age of 35- statistically, this is mostly who is trying to have babies.) Infertility affects about 10% of younger couples, so its not something I would bother planning around if you are under 35. You have a 90% chance of this working out. Assume that it will work for you within one year of regular unprotected sex.

Anyhow, we did have to wait awhile to afford treatments. And then they didn’t work, not at all. And then we moved on and managed to adopt our completely amazing son when we were 33. Now I am 36 and surprise! pregnant. So we didn’t plan AT ALL to be having babies this “late” but its actually fine. The pros are having more financial stability, being more patient, having more perspective. It was also really nice to have ten years of happy marriage behind us before bringing our son home.

Please note that I am NOT comparing us to other young parents, [name_m]JUST[/name_m] to ourselves when we were younger. We are both in very good health and I would not say that we are more exhausted or strung out than the many younger parents we are friends with.

My point here is just that I don’t regret not having kids till later in life. I don’t even regret the years of heartbreaking infertility bc it led ultimately to our son and I can’t imagine life without him. Going through that struggle also made us stronger as a couple and taught us both a lot.

I am not really a regretful person, so I don’t think I would have regretted having them younger, either. Though I am certain that our (unexplained) infertility was not age related, given the age that we started trying. If we had waited till age 32 and then started trying and couldn’t and found it was for age related reasons, I could see being sad about the years of missed opportunities.

14

It’s a funny thing, fertility. We hear and read so much about the female biological clock, and the idea that our fertility falls off a cliff after 35. Eight of my friends had normal, healthy babies aged 38-39, two of which were accidents. I only met the man I want to start a family with when I was 37 so now having just turned 40 I will be starting to ttc in earnest. I can’t say I don’t wish I were a few years younger because I’m very much conscious of having passed my ‘best before’ date. However, we live in [name_u]London[/name_u] and wanted to be a bit more financially stable (which meant a permanent rather than contract job for me). So here we are…

As others in this thread have shown, it’s amazing what you can do when it needs to be done. If you’re still in your 20s then it’s unlikely that waiting another year or two will be of significance in the fertility stakes, even if it takes more time and effort than you’d hoped. But if you truly feel ready then don’t feel that you have to wait till everything is perfect.

15

This has been very interesting to read.

I’m 33 and only met my DH last year, we got married in [name_u]January[/name_u] just gone. He is 4 years younger than me, but I am very, very aware that I am fast approaching the ‘35’ age that fertility experts keep warning about. We do plan to TTC later this year, but I have just received health results which will complicate things. The upside is it’s more incentive for us to start to try sooner rather than later, but I’m at high risk of things like miscarriage, blood clots or stroke and also have epilepsy. When/if I fall pregnant, the pregnancy itself could be very high risk for me, and I would need to be on daily clexane injections, but doctors and specialists assure me it can be managed. We would like more than one child (personally, I’d love twins but we can’t control that), but we definitely want to try to conceive naturally first before we resort to other options.

That being said however, we are in a good position. We own our house, can afford to live on one wage (I have recently dropped back to only working 2 half days a week anyway due to my health) and generally have our proverbial ducks in a row. My biggest fear is that it will take years for us to conceive. I think that would be very emotional for me.

I am going next week for a pre-pregnancy session at my GYN, so I guess we go from there. You can only try and if things don’t go to plan, you re-evaluate. Good luck!

16

We had an “oops” moment in Janurary and Hubs and I became panicked as soon as we found out. However, even once we began preparing ourselves to lose our “us” time, we were shown that things don’t always work out. As such, we’re now in the stages of trying to decide if we want to actually TTC or if we want to wait. With my medical issues part of our conversations revolve around that, part of it is our financial stability in the next three to four years. Can we support ourselves and a child if Hubs gets out and we no longer have housing and a guaranteed income?

Ultimately there is no perfect time to have a baby. If you feel emotionally ready for a child and you know that you can support yourself and a baby then go for it. You don’t need millions of cute clothes (check out Goodwill or local thrift shop), as long as you can feed, clothe and home a child, that’s as close to perfect as it will get.