Who did you/will you have visit at the hospital?

Parentberries
1

I know everyone has their own opinions on what is right and wrong about this topic, but I’m very interested in seeing what you guys have done or plan to do when you give birth. I know many people who are completely fine with oodles of relatives and friends coming to the hospital to meet the baby right away, while I know others who prefer to wait a little bit before having visitors.

This came about because my mom visited me for a little bit today and went on a rant about how she worries she won’t be invited to the hospital when my [name_m]SIL[/name_m], who lives a few hours away, gives birth in a coupe of months. I told my mom that I felt we should respect their wishes regardless and maybe plan a day after the birth to visit, but mom said, "I don’t care how they feel! This is my grandchild! They already stopped me from seeing my grandchildren born before! " Note: it isn’t her first grandchild…she got to be in the delivery room when the first grandchild was born, since my sister was young, and wasn’t there right away when my brother and [name_m]SIL[/name_m]'s first children, twins, were born because it was an emergency C-section…which everyone else seemed to understand but her.

I cringed inside when I heard that, because my husband and I have some very sneaky plans for when we finally get pregnant/when I give birth. We want to do it as secretly as possible…and wait maybe a day before allowing visitors. We are dealing with infertility and this has been such a long, long, painful journey for us so far…we’d love to be able to spend some time with our little miracle and get a chance to rest and figure out nursing a bit before the masses come and play hot potato with our child. I’d hoped my mom would’ve shown signs of being understanding, but I guess not. At least I found out now though…

Anyhow, what worked for you? Would you change things, looking back? Has it influenced what you plan to do in the future? Again, these topics can get a bit heated, so please try to keep things respectful if someone disagrees with you (although everyone is pretty great at that on here anyway!). Also, moms, dads, TTC berries…anyone is welcome to share their perspectives :slight_smile: this isn’t just limited to mothers.

2

We had a C-section because LO was breech so it was only me and DH in the OR and recovery room. My [name_f]MIL[/name_f] came for a few weeks and our daughter’s birth thankfully ended up being on her last day here so she came to visit for a couple hours that night. (I went a week past my DD because we didn’t know she was breech.) My mom was also visiting for that week and stayed in the waiting room during the surgery and came to visit for a couple hours that night. They both were great about giving us time to ourselves and kept asking if it was OK to stay. My [name_m]SIL[/name_m] and her husband are the only family who live in town and they came for maybe an hour that night as well. [name_f]Alice[/name_f] shares a birthday with her aunt so I thought it was a cute bonding moment for them to have. After that my mom came for a few hours the other 3 days we were there. Other family came to meet her the following 3 months which was just fine with us.

I guess we lucked out with not having overbearing parents or relatives and most of our family lives far away. I’m not sure you’re looking for advice, but I think if you’re worried about how your mother will react you should sit her down and have a conversation with her about it. She may not like your decision, but she should respect it. Personally, I have always found that being upfront about things is far less hurtful than letting her find out after the fact.

3

Only DH and I are in the actual labor and delivery room besides the actual nurses and doctor or midwife.

We did have visitors at our room afterwards, but none of our family are boundary stomping and understood that they might not get to hold baby and might just see her. Plus, they were good about leaving shortly after not overstaying.

Considering that you’ve already heard your Mom try to make your [name_m]SIL[/name_m]'s labor and delivery about herself I would probably not have any visitors at the hospital since it seems like she might not be receptive to boundaries. You and your husband need to discuss what you do and do not want for when baby arrives, I will assume that playing pass the baby is not something that you want shortly after little one is born. If you are concerned about her showing up even without your consent consider waiting to tell people that baby is there when you are ready for visitors. Basically don’t let anyone know you are in labor (obviously your employers will need to know why you aren’t at work). I think that if you choose or do not choose visitors is up to you, and family and friends should be respectful no matter what.

I would suggest going to Babycenter’s DWIL Nation forum, don’t post unless you are ready for brutal honesty. They help people set boundaries with their families and/or in-laws. They do have some Best of Threads that you can read about what can happen with people who boundary stomp during labor and delivery or post-partum. [name_m]Just[/name_m] reading might help you and DH decide what you are or are not comfortable with.

4

@cyoung325: That sounds like it worked out well for you guys! Honestly, that flow of people don’t sound too bad! And it’s great your family isn’t overbearing :slight_smile: it is definitely hard to deal with relatives who don’t respect boundaries. Honestly, I’m glad that I found out how my mom will be ahead of time. She takes offense to every little thing, so I sort of figured she was going to be awful about it, but it stung hearing her say her true feelings on the matter.

@jtucker: Is it hospital rules where you’re at, to only have you two in there? I know different hospitals have different rules. [name_f]Glad[/name_f] to hear that your family was understanding, as well :slight_smile:
Yeah, my husband and I have since talked it over and I filled him in on what my mom said. We both agree in planning for some sort of restrictions…maybe having it be just us the first day and allowing visitors after that, since we could use hospital rules to our advantage. We truly don’t want to hurt anyone, but for some reason, people in our lives don’t get that we like to have privacy and the right to do what we are comfortable with.

I have heard of the DWIL Nation forum! They definitely are blunt on there, but they offer some great advice.

5

I wanted to be sneaky about it and not have anyone visit (the original plan was to leave the hospital eight hours or less after birth!) But then little miss decided to be two weeks late and I had to be induced. This took the sneaking out of it completely, because everyone was asking and asking and asking so I told them when I would be induced and they knew when I would be at the hospital.

Because of that I didn’t give birth in the birth centre like I wanted, and the actual hospital has a 24 hour wait for discharge. [name_m]Long[/name_m] story short: we had time and some anxious people waiting, and so my husband’s dad and his [name_m]SIL[/name_m], her mum, and my nieces all visited (two separate groups). My family lives overseas but if they didn’t I wouldn’t have minded them visiting too.

Honestly? The hospital visits were great and next time we will have a policy of visiting the hospital and NOT visiting our home!! It stressed me out so much to have people in our messy house when I was not up to entertaining and just wanted to sit in the quiet with my baby. Hated every second of home visits. Everyone is different though!

6

Nobody saw me give birth apart from my partner and medical staff (I really don’t think anyone in either of our families would have wanted to see that). We didn’t tell anyone what was going on until she was born. My mother actually specifically said she didn’t want to know until it was all over because otherwise she would worry about me.

But we had visitors afterwards. She was born at 12 noon almost exactly and we had my partner’s parents and sisters and one niece to our room for a little bit in the early evening. It was nice because they brought us dinner (much nicer than hospital food) and some presents to open, and it was honestly just lovely to see them and show off our tiny little newborn. I didn’t have a problem with it in the slightest, was perfectly fine with everyone holding her. We had all the time in the world to hold her, so it didn’t seem a big deal to me let other members of her family say hello. She was fast asleep the whole time anyway and I had had a pretty short labour (6 hours) without missing much sleep so I wasn’t feeling terrible or anything. The hospital has specific visiting hours and people other than the parents aren’t allowed to just stay forever, so no fear of that. You also aren’t allowed to bring children under 12 or something so it was just adults and one teenager, nothing manic. My parents met her when she was 10 days old due to living in another country, and my brother came a few weeks later.

It’ll be largely the same this time around, I expect, although it depends what time of day or night he is born how shortly after the birth we’ll get visitors because of the visiting hours thing. Perhaps we won’t stay overnight depending on when he arrives. Except one of the sisters won’t be able to come because she’ll be looking after Freyja, who I think will not be allowed to visit (not sure if they make an exception on the age limit in the case of siblings but I don’t think they do). So we’ll just see them when we go home.

7

@namergirl3 - no our hospital allows you to have more support people, I think they limit it to three so the medical personnel can perform their jobs effectively though. I just personally didn’t want anyone else in the room with me. I just don’t see giving birth as a spectactor sport. Like, would anyone want to go to the doctor’s office if a man was getting a vasectomy to watch? Probably not. The nurses I had were incredibly supportive and the best cheerleaders during delivery. I agree that DWIL is blunt, but they have very honest and helpful advice. I’m glad that you and hubby have talked and can decide what the two of you are comfortable with. I think as long as you two do what works for you you will be able to look back and be happy (well other than the pain part of it) with the labor and delivery experience.

8

Your baby, your boundaries. Their baby, their boundaries. With all due respect, your mum’s opinions are irrelevant. I say this with the utmost care - my mum is overbearing too, as is my mother-in-law - but you are well within your rights to stand up to her (and it sounds like you may have to confront her when the time comes). It is her grandchild, but it is your child and that gets higher priority. There are so many factors at play in a birth, and so many things that can go wrong, contrary to popular belief. You may not get your choice of labour as is, but you & your partner should get to choose what family members are present.

I have also thought about this and think I will not announce the birth until I am ready to have visitors. I’ll probably wait until the next day before telling close family, and I’ll ask them to keep it quiet (& off social media!!) until we have a chance to announce it to everyone. I don’t think I’ll announce the birth publicly until several days after the birth. I’ll also make an effort not to tell people a date for the pregnancy being induced, if I can. Of course, none of this might go to plan and I’ll deal with that if it happens, but it’s not up to my mum or anyone else to decide.

Note - these are my boundaries & my partners boundaries, and do not necessarily reflect what is the right decision for anyone else. Everyone has their own path and their own comfort zones, and my choice doesn’t make someone else’s wrong, no matter how different it is :slight_smile:

9

It will likely just be my husband and myself. My sister has mentioned previously that she plans on coming to help out around the house for awhile after we have a baby and I wouldn’t be against her being in the room with us for delivery. Parents and others will NOT be in there for delivery but depending I may allow them to visit during labor. I definitely want to set boundaries for visiting afterwards mainly because of sickness and bonding time. I will probly disappear from social media for a bit too before announcing.

10

Both my mum and husband have always been with me in the delivery room. I feel safe and calm with them close and my mum is brilliant, my greatest friend, so I have never felt invaded with her presence, on the contrary. She’s always a great help to me and my husband.

The only visitors we would allow after each baby arrived was my husband’s mother if she were in town and my father. I would rest the next day and in the evening receive visitors, our older kids first to meet the baby and then other friends and relatives, though most prefer to visit after we’re settled back home.

11

It will just be my husband and I in the delivery room. My mom will be in town, assuming baby is born on or shortly after due date. I don’t even want my own mother in there with me for the birth of her first grandchild, as I presume things will be pretty ugly. I think she understands that. My husband’s sister will be his personal assistant should anything happen or to act as informant to those in the waiting room (grandparents) but most likely she or the others won’t be in the delivery room until after the baby has arrived and we give the go ahead. We plan on letting the nurses know our intentions in this matter, just in case someone tries to pull a fast one!

12

Only my husband and doula. We didn’t tell anyone we were in labor. Only after the baby was born, and a couple hours after, did we finally make phone calls.

I would never have my parents, sister, anyone else with me. I definitely recommend a doula though as she knew what to do, unlike my husband lol, and was very helpful, getting ice chips and talking to the nurses, so my husband could stay by me and do the supportive stuff.

We don’t plan on having more children, but if we did, we would do the same thing, only spouse and doula, no one else.

13

My stepmother will be with me at hospital since both my parents have passed and I don’t want to be alone. My daughter [name_f]Hazel[/name_f] would be staying with my brother and his fiance if during the weekend and if I go into labor during the week she’ll stay with my best friend.

I’m single, no husband or boyfriend, so having my stepmom there will definitely make me feel more secure. She has accompanied me to parenting classes and so many appointments and she is happy to do it for me as she never got to be there when her daughter gave birth and because Hazy is adopted and arrived in our family at 4 months old. The only people I would want to visit me at the hospital are my brother with his fiance, my best friend and my daughter.

14

My mom is a nurse, so I always have her with me when I have any kind of testing done (MRI, [name_f]CAT[/name_f] scan, EEG, etc) because she understands what is going on and understands the medical language. I always like having her around when I’m at the hospital (also, she works there so she knows a lot of the people). I had no second thoughts about having my mom with me when I gave birth. Of course, my husband was there also, but he didn’t really know what to expect.

My daughter was born at 8:15 in the morning, so later on that same day my dad one of my brothers and my grandma came to visit. One of my friends came the next day because I told her she could come. I will probably do the same for this next baby.

15

I’m pregnant with my first. This baby is also the very first grandchild and great-grandchild on all sides. Our parents and surviving grandmothers live across the country, and they have been informed and respectfully accepted that we would prefer that nobody be here for the birth.

We are planning a homebirth, so barring hospital transfer, those in attendance will be my husband, my midwife, her apprentice, her assistant, and my doula. Everybody in the family seems relatively ok with us being here, alone. To varying degrees. But thankfully everybody has been respectful.

Unless we transfer to the hospital, we won’t be telling anyone I’m in labor. We plan to make calls when we feel like it after baby’s arrival, be it minutes, hours, or even days after the birth. If we transfer to the hospital, it will be for serious reasons, so at that point we will tell our family members.

After the birth, I plan on adhering to some of the traditions involved in “sitting the month,” a Chinese tradition of essential quarantine for mother and baby at home for the month following the birth. So we will not have friends or family visiting during the first month at all. The people who will be helping me recover will be my husband, my midwife, my postpartum doulas, and the housekeeper we will be contracting temporarily. Thankfully my side of the family seems fully supportive even though we are the WASP Americans, and my husband’s Chinese-American side seems happy, except my mother-in-law, who thinks I’m crazy, but there’s nothing new there.

For our baby’s one month birthday, we will have a Chinese [name_u]Red[/name_u] Egg and [name_f]Ginger[/name_f] party, where we will introduce baby to our family and friends and from that point forward, they’ll be allowed to visit at length and spend time getting to know baby and I will probably allow somebody to babysit our little one so I can go get a haircut and go on a date with my husband, enjoying being outside after staying in for a month!

Everybody does everything differently. You have to do what feels right to you and your husband, because yours are the only opinions that matter in this instance. Thankfully my family and my husband’s family know we don’t pay any attention to temper tantrums or passive aggression, so everybody has learned over the years to keep a level head if they want continued relationships with us. So far that’s all working out swimmingly. Draw your own line and just stick with what your gut tells you. You may decide during labor that you do want your mom there after all, and changing your mind is always an option. But if you have your reservations about including her, there are likely real reasons behind that and you should not ignore those feeling to appease your mother, who sounds like she is having a very childish reaction to your sister’s choice for her own experience.

16

Obviously I haven’t been in this situation before, but I am very much in team “sneaky”. I think it’s a special time and sooo important for bonding with your baby. I don’t think anyone has the right to be present or demand anything whatsoever. It’s up to you and your partner.

I want a “sneaky” birth. [name_m]Just[/name_m] us and our baby, and we’ll tell people when we feel like it. And no way am I bring swamped with people before I feel like it.

You stick to your gun, babe! Have what you want when you want. It’s not a day you want regrets.

Xx

17

Not having children for another year or so, but, we plan on telling our families when we’re going into the hospital to have the baby, but my family has already stressed that they would much prefer to give us space and see the baby when we’re ready. [name_f]MIL[/name_f] isn’t quite the same though, she was rather upset when [name_m]BIL[/name_m]'s son was born and she wasn’t invited into the birth (but [name_m]BIL[/name_m]'s s/o’s mother was).

Personally, for me, giving birth is a very personal, intimate thing, and I’d prefer to just share that time with my husband, not a crowd of people waiting to see our baby. Honestly, I’d prefer to wait until we were home and settled (where I live, after a typical birth, you’re released within 24-48 hours, but usually at 36), so that way we have a day to bond with baby and rest before we have people over.

18

I don’t know if I’ll have children in the future, but it really comes down to what you feel comfortable doing. Everyone is different and you should be as comfortable as possible when you’re dealing with the birth of a new child, so I don’t agree there’s a right or a wrong. A family should know to follow boundaries and I hope your mother comes to realize that having a child trumps having a grandchild.

Assuming my child wouldn’t be in the NICU or have serious health issues, I would want everyone to visit while I’m in the hospital. One reason is because I don’t want to play hostess when I get home and the nurses at the hospital can help if visitors stay too long (some have rules regarding visitation too). I’m a pushover, so at home, I wouldn’t be able to tell people to leave. This may be a stupid reason, but with a new baby coming home I wouldn’t want the extra stress of visitors on my pets either since they’d already be dealing with big changes. Additionally, from past experience, I know that if I were to get anesthesia or pain medicine I will become physically ill, so I’d like others to be able to hold my child while I’m sick. My parents are also overprotective, so I feel like they’d make sure that my children and me (assuming I’m sick or drugged up from anesthesia) get the care we need.

19

I’ve not been in this situation yet, but my hubby and I have talked about it before. I don’t mind people coming to the hospital to visit, but I would prefer to have some time with just my hubby and [name_u]Baby[/name_u] before everyone floods in. In that regard, it’s tempting to not tell anyone until after the baby is born. I’m with other posters in that I definitely don’t want to play hostess to a bunch of people at my house (which may or may not be clean) after [name_u]Baby[/name_u] comes home.

As far as who I would want in the delivery room, that would be my husband and maybe my mom. No one else. I’m a little worried Hubby’s mom might get offended because my [name_m]SIL[/name_m] had everyone there with her, but I am just not comfortable with that. I would be more comfortable with Hubby’s stepmom being there than his mom, so I figure it’s best not to start that fight and just say nobody by DH and my mom. haha