I think that no matter when you chose to have children, there are always going to be pros and cons… For me personally, I always knew that I would have children, but I wanted to get my degree first. I got unexpectedly pregnant at 19, gave birth to my beautiful daughter at 20, and am now married at 21. The funny thing is that I hear people tell me all the time how much I’m missing out on now that I’m a mom such as parties, but I honestly don’t feel like I’m missing out at all! I [name]LOVE[/name] being a mom!
I am going to be graduating from college a year later than planned, but I’m still going to end up with the degree that I’ve always wanted.
Now that I am already a young mom, my husband and I plan on having a second child sooner rather than later. We hope to have our second before our daughter turns 3. I’m sure we will get some negative reactions, but this is what is right for us and our family. I know lots of people who choose to wait until their 30’s or later to have children, and I don’t think anything badly about them. In my opinion, if you are able to provide a baby with a stable home, clothes, food, and other necessities, then it shouldn’t matter what your age is!
DH and I were young for our demographic (married at 22, I had finished my BA and he was doing the 5 year plan for his undergrad, we had planned on waiting to ttc but life had a way of happening with our oldest ) however, things worked out. We have had difficulties of course, married for almost 12 years (financial, him doing his masters when the older 2 were wee and I was pregnant as well at times, he is also currently doing another his MBA right now) but we are in a good place financially now thank goodness and I do feel as if I have “my whole life” ahead of me. Granted, its with 5 kids (so, going back to school etc will need to work around them) but I have no doubt I am where I am supposed to be and same goes for DH. Everyone has their own path. Women’s liberation did not come about so we could all work full time or all not, it came about so we have the choice to be what we want to be at any age. At 34 (I will be 35 in [name]January[/name]) I have accomplished the maternal part of my life that I set out to do, and now onto raising my beautiful kids with my husband who I am still crazy about, continuing to foster my own self, and grow into the rest of my life. [name]Hope[/name] this makes sense. It is odd to be college educated and have an almost 11 year old and be married to his father (again, the demographics are unusual for where I live to be these things, nothing better or worse about it, just not “usual”) , but, I am happy he is here, happy all my kiddos are here and happy to have the choice to be what I want to be and live life how I do.
Because times have changed. Women never used to have the opportunity to get an education, they were forced to be mothers and housewives. There are so many intelligent, capable women out there, and I think it’s great that they’re pursuing an education rather than just having babies and cleaning all day. If you choose to be a housewife and mother, then fair enough, I have no issue with that. Also, due to the economic crisis, many women have to work alongside their husbands just to support the family. I think you’re a little naive about this. Plus, education is more important than ever now, and chances are if you have a baby at 16, you’re unlikely to finish your education, which means job choices are limited. And like someone else said, we often romanticize the past, and your view of that time is probably very different to how it actually was.
Personally, I don’t want children until I’m around 32, hoping to have two or three between the ages of 31 and 39. I want to be a doctor, which takes years and years of medical school and training to do, and I’m glad I’m doing it because I refuse to sit at home and do nothing all day except cook, clean, and raise babies. There’s more to life than that, and I know that I have the capability to do it. A mother of 32 will have plenty of energy to run around with a toddler, and 32 is hardly old! Mothers are getting older due to advancements in fertility treatments and an increase in career women, so being a new mother in your thirties hardly makes you stand out from the crowd. I think this post is a little ridiculous, and the idea that women should have children young rather than go out and get the career you want sets feminism back so many years. Sure, if you want to have a baby at 20 then go ahead, but that’s obviously not for everyone.
My story is pretty similar to a few others who shared here. (I had [name]Scarlett[/name] 2 weeks after my 19th birthday - DH was almost 22 – yes, I am now “only” 30!) Being a young mom has it’s ups and downs for sure. I remember feeling VERY alone when I was 19 and caring for an infant mostly all alone (DH was in school and worked) while my friends were out partying and having a great time at college. I felt like I couldn’t relate to anyone. I think things may have been different if we planned the pregnancy. They would also have been different if me and DH’s relationship was a bit more solid and mature during that time. So my advice is work on your relationship and if you are both ready to have a child, make plans/try for it. You can do it. You need that relationship foundation first though and a good support system in extended family and friends too. Our friends, even though they were partying and such, were a great support for us. They babysat for free to give us nights out or to fill in an hour or two while DH and I worked different shifts and we had no one to be with her. I’m not someone who is highly motivated or concerned with money, but money is a real concern in life. It’s something that (in general) younger couples do not have as much as an older couple may have. That could be a consideration for you. I don’t think you need a huge house or all the latest gadgets or every toy/baby gear/etc. but you do need to have a stable income.
I don’t necessarily favor young parents or old parents. I think any situation can work with the right motivation and as long as you give the children love and affection. I’ve enjoyed being a young mom. Most of my concerns and frustrations were associated with other areas of my life and not the actual mothering part.
Ugh. Parents raising kids are not “sitting at home doing nothing all day”. The idea that women SHOULD go out and work is no more pro-feminist than the idea that women SHOULD stay home. Again, feminism is about choice. You might have given lip service to that choice but your disdain for stay at home parents is pretty obvious.
YES! @milasmama Thank you for that! I was a bit taken aback by that comment as well. And even if cooking, cleaning & raising babies was all that I did all day, if I were to find that fulfilling on an emotional & creative level, well there really isn’t much more to hope for in life than to love what you do, right?
I married at 18. Also, have all my life wanted to be a stay at home mother and raise my children. I have been blessed with a very supportive hubby who appreciates and values my position in our home, and works hard to support the lifestyle we want. I don’t believe there is anything more important that I could do I was raised the opposite. My mother worked and went to school, she was not a home maker in an sense of the word, and that’s o.k. I love her and appreciate her for who she is, we are all different. I knew I wanted a very different path. Our oldest daughter will be getting married this winter. She will be 20, and she is in school. We do not believe in an unnecessary delay in marriage… She has told me they plan to wait a couple of years before having children, and I support her whole heartdley. After all, with all of her siblings, she has plenty of little ones to play with
@Milasmama - Thank you so much for commenting that, “Parents raising kids are not “sitting at home doing nothing all day”.”.
We should all respect that every woman can decide if she wants to be a stay-at-home mother or go to work, it is their choice. At the end of the day they are both mothers, and mothers do so much for their children regardless of whether they work a job or stay at home.
On to my story, I am 25 and do not have any children yet (DH and I are discussing TTC later this year possibly). I got married kind of young, at the age of 20, DH was 20 as well. It is not the right choice for everyone, however, it was the right choice for us. My DH had a full time job since he was eighteen, he is a journeyman plumber and I went to school and finished my bachelor’s degree and am currently working on my master’s degree. I was glad that my husband and I got to mature and grow together, and that we will have had a few years to ourselves before having kids.
In relation to the last few posts, I’m 29, married, a teacher, studying for a Masters degree and trying to conceive my first baby (I’ll likely be 30 before it’s born). I always said, from a very young age, I wouldn’t have children until I was 30 and I’m very glad that’s how things worked out. It was very important to me to go to university, travel, have a career, etc, before becoming a parent. However, I know that’s not for everybody. My best friend just turned 30. She married at 21 and now has two young sons. Her dream was always to become a mother. She never went to university or travelled (much). However, she’s extremely happy with her life, as am I with mine. I think the important thing to remember here is different strokes for different folks. Personally, I wouldn’t have been happy to become a mother at a young age because I would’ve missed out on doing things I wanted to do in my life, which were important to me. Marriage and babies was always on my agenda, but it was never my big dream. But, for some women, it is their big dream. In that case, get married and have babies! [name]Do[/name] what you want to do with your life - after all, it’s your life.
@sapphires - I understand your comment, I feel the same way and want to do other things with my life as well, but remember that lots of other women want to become stay-at-home mothers and that’s their perogative.
After being with my partner for 4 years I accidentally fell pregnant last year at 23 and had my daughter in [name]September[/name].
I am considered young to be a mother in the society that I live in and am the only one of my friends to have a baby. I find it quite alienating to be honest as all of the ‘young mums’ play groups are filled with teenagers living on welfare or with their parents, and the regular playgroups mums are all mid 30’s to 40.
I work part time and my partner works full time and we make it work but its not easy. I think being a young mum is great in so many ways but in the society we live in most of us are the odd ones out. People are so quick to judge but really I think we are all trying to do our best despite our age.
I don’t think it is nice to be so judgmental about ‘teen moms living on welfare or with their parents’. They are trying to make it work just as everyone else is! I know what you mean about feeling alienated through. I will be twenty when we have this baby. So I’m a few years older than the teen moms and a few years younger than the ‘young moms’ I’m sure things will be fine though! I’ve learned friendships can be made with someone much older than you or much younger. Age is but a number.
I second a previous poster who said that as long as the parents can support their baby financially and emotionally, their age shouldn’t matter. Life throws different things at different people. I have been incredibly fortunate in my life, and I think it frankly rude to force one’s lifestyle choices upon others by judging them, especially when you can know nothing about their situation at all.
My mum had my eldest sister at 18 and had my youngest brother ar 39. She’s currently 45 and a grandma already to the babies in my signature. She loved being a younger mum and also loved being an older one to my brother [name]Darcy[/name]. We are aged between 27 and 6. My sister [name]Miki[/name] just had her first shes 23, my sister Jaxie has two children and shes 25 and her girls are around 11 months apart and my eldest sister [name]Charli[/name] had her first at 25. So my family tends to have children younger. I’m fifteen and nowhere near ready to have a child though give me around 12 years.
I can relate to this. I don’t think the poster was being disparaging about teen mothers so much as just stating the reality of the young mum’s groups that she has been to. I found the same thing. It wasn’t that I looked down on teen mothers but that I lived a different life to most of them, and I was also 23 compared to say, 18 or so. And then in the regular playgroups the women were much older than me. Age may be ‘but a number’ but it does often lead to different interests. The teen mothers I knew were still interested in partying and dating, the older mothers were all very settled and interested in returning to their careers. I have made friends with mothers of all ages, but it is true that women having kids in their early twenties are few and far between in my neck of the woods. I’ve just become used to being the odd one out.
I guess that as long as you are happy, emotionally mature, and financially stable it doesn’t really matter how old you are when you have a baby. Frankly there are things that can’t be postponed (becoming a professional athlete or musician, having a very skilled career — it’s difficult to start studing medicine or engeneeiring 10 or 12 years after finishing high school) —*but why should having kids stop you from travelling?? You just have to adapt yourself to your circumstances!
I do think romanticising 1940’s and 1950’s [name]America[/name] is a dangerous —*surely you realise not all women spent their time playing with children, knitting, and baking pies like [name]Snow[/name] White. In those days many woman were basically domestic slaves who went from being controlled by their father to being controlled by their husbands and had to sacrifice personal dreams and tastes for the family and an unattainable sense of domestic perfection (the rich women, at least —*the poor, the minorities, and those whose husband walked out had to had jobs). See also: “The Feminine [name]Mystique[/name]”. It was a pretty dark age for women. I reckon many men and children were pretty unhappy as well.
Finally, I think it’s neither sensible nor realistic, in the 21st century, to expect a man to financially support you for the rest of your life. (Again, this may be my cultural bias showing —*as I’ve explained in other posts, in my country being a housewife is very looked down upon.)
Interesting to see everyone’s different opinions! I daydream about the 40s and 50s because it was a simpler time, and I, personally, would have fit in well because of the fact that career isn’t huge to me and I would’ve been quite content with the stay at home lifestyle. Of course I realize that it is not for everyone. And women didnt have much of a choice back then, and that isn’t right either! Women should be able to do anything they desire, and i fully agree with this! All I meant was that there is such a stark contrast. Back then you were expected to have kids, stay home, cook and clean. Now you are expected to go to college, have a career, and make a name for yourself. Back then, people who wante to do what you can now, could not. And today, if you choose not to follow the ‘norm’ you are looked down upon as well. I don’t think one or the other is right. I think you should be able to choose a path that it is right for you without being judged. So maybe that was more the 60s era lol.
Milasmom- I don’t mean to argue or anything, I just meant that the way it was stated was a generalization, which I am not a fan of. Again, this probably stems from the fact that I have never fit into generalizations. I will be 20 with a baby. I am married. I have no desire for partying, drinking, going out, etc. most of my friends are actually in their mid twenties, I guess because I don’t fit on with the ‘younger crowd’. I hated high school, hated the drama, hated it all! I used to walk around saying ‘I hate teenagers’ and every now an then someone would remind me that I was one! Everyone has always called me an’old soul’. That is why I said age is but a number. I suppose you are correct that a large portion of moms in their teens are NOT in any way ready for a child, and in addition are not ready to grow up to take on the responsibility. It just sort of hurts my ego a little when things like this are said, because I am automatically grouped in with all of those negative associations, you know what I mean?
That being said, I completely know how it is not to fit in as well! [name]Even[/name] though I may be closer in age to all of those teen moms, I by no means will fit in at all with their lifestyle and attitude. And I also will not fit in witht the older crowd either. But oh well!
It wasn’t much of a generalisation imo because it was only about the teen moms she met in her young mothers’ group. She didn’t say “all young mums are like this” she said something along the lines of “the ones I met are.” I presume she said that because it was true. It’s also interesting that a few people interpreted living with parents and being on welfare as insults, and then told other posters not to insult young mothers. Well, it’s not insulting unless you think those living circumstances are offensive in the first place…?!
Again, I really am not trying to aruge! [name]Just[/name] saying that from my perspective, that is how I took it, as a generalisation! No one can meet ALL teen moms in the world. So saying that all the ones she met fall under a certain stereotype IS in fact a generalisation of teen mothers. Anyways, I don’t like to make such a big thing over someone’s wording. Maybe she meant it that way and maybe she didnt. The fact of the matter is that most people stereotype and generalize about those who fall under categories that can be taboo. (This statement in itsel is a generalization because some people dont do this at all!) Such a teen parents.And teen parents living at home or off of welfare IS looked down upon by society, no matter which way you look at it. Again, speaking in a generalized manner. See? Generalizations are used often. They are not all wrong. All I’m sayin is that there are people who don’t fit under them and can get offended by a generalization. [name]Just[/name] as you got offended when I said people look down on those livig at their parents or off of welfare. Because you don’t fall under that category, and you feel the need to defend that. I was in the same situation. I know I am arguing at this point, and it really is such a silly thing to be arguing over lol!
The reasons I (sometimes) judge young mums is not because they choose to have children young. If you want to do all that at 20, fine by me. It’s your life and your choices, and I’m not going to stop you. I was raised by a young mum and I turned out pretty good. But in general I think people make better parents when they’re “older” (25-40) as they’ve got more experience, they’re actually grown up and they think more (on good and bad). You can’t know this until you’re older, but there’s an ocean of things you don’t know yet when you’re in your late teens/early 20’s, and of course that reflects what kind of parent you’ll be. I’m astonished at people who find a partner and marry at such a young age. And adding a child to that, I would not dare. But that’s the experience and knowledge age provides.
Reasons why what young mums refer to as old mums judge them, I think, are two things. The first one is that young mums seem to think everyone over 30 are ancient and that we can’t keep up with toddlers. Most people in their 30’s I know are in far better shape than most 20 year old’s I see. It’s also annoying when young mums seems to think it’s necessarily a selfish choice “older” mum makes.Not everyone meets the person they want to be with at 18. And if they do, it’s likely it will break. Secondly and most importantly: whenever I see a misbehaved, rude, unattended to, snotty, dirty little child, there’s a young mum attached to it. They talk on their phones and listen to their iPods while strolling their toddler or pushing them on the swings. they smoke while pregnant, they smoke with their child in their arms, they seem more interested in their chavvy girlfriends than their own child who’s crying and throwing tantrums because mummy doesn’t pay them any attention. I never see “older” mums behaving this way. There’s a nonchalant, I couldn’t care less about this little person I made behaviour I find repulsive. I’m not saying this applies to any of the young mums here (I know some of you are wonderful!), but it certainly does to the ones I see out and about where I live.
) however, things worked out. We have had difficulties of course, married for almost 12 years (financial, him doing his masters when the older 2 were wee and I was pregnant as well at times, he is also currently doing another his MBA right now) but we are in a good place financially now thank goodness and I do feel as if I have “my whole life” ahead of me. Granted, its with 5 kids (so, going back to school etc will need to work around them) but I have no doubt I am where I am supposed to be and same goes for DH. Everyone has their own path. Women’s liberation did not come about so we could all work full time or all not, it came about so we have the choice to be what we want to be at any age. At 34 (I will be 35 in [name]January[/name]) I have accomplished the maternal part of my life that I set out to do, and now onto raising my beautiful kids with my husband who I am still crazy about, continuing to foster my own self, and grow into the rest of my life. [name]Hope[/name] this makes sense. It is odd to be college educated and have an almost 11 year old and be married to his father (again, the demographics are unusual for where I live to be these things, nothing better or worse about it, just not “usual”) , but, I am happy he is here, happy all my kiddos are here and happy to have the choice to be what I want to be and live life how I do. 