This is a very long story. But I feel like the online community is the only place I can go to share everything…without feeling guilty or worried that I sound like a crazy person. We have a son named [name_m]Elijah[/name_m] (nickname “[name_m]Eli[/name_m]) who will be 4 in [name_u]August[/name_u]. We had a miscarriage in [name_f]May[/name_f] 2014 and then in the fall of 2014 we found out I was pregnant again. I had a healthy pregnancy and gave birth to a healthy beautiful little girl at the end of [name_u]June[/name_u], named [name_f]Eliana[/name_f] joy.
A while before we even knew the sex of the baby, I had slipped my favorite names ([name_f]Eleanor[/name_f] [name_f]Jane[/name_f] or [name_f]Amelia[/name_f] [name_f]Jane[/name_f]) to my husband and he immediately told me he hated them both and they could not be an option if we had a girl. So once we found out the sex I initially avoided the name conversation because I didn’t even know where to start…with my favorite names already being nixed. We eventually decided to make a list of names we liked individually and then compare lists. At the time I knew that [name_f]Amelia[/name_f] and [name_f]Eleanor[/name_f] were out of the question. I also had hoped to have a name without an obvious nickname…because for some reason I have been slightly bothered by that with our son. I nixed most of his options…and then asked him about mine. My favorite on my list was [name_f]Savannah[/name_f] (at the time), simply because I liked the sound of it. After looking at my list he said he liked [name_f]Savannah[/name_f] the best also! It seemed too easy, but we both agreed that should be the name.
Over the next couple of months, people would ask us what we were naming our child and I’d say, “Well I wanted to name her [name_f]Eleanor[/name_f]…but my husband is against that…so we’re thinking about S names now.” One afternoon after telling someone that again, I had that realization that I was going to name my daughter a name a didn’t like as much as another name. I also had some reservations about the name [name_f]Savannah[/name_f] [name_f]Jane[/name_f] sounding a little too “Southern [name_f]Belle[/name_f]”. I decided to take another look at our lists. I noticed [name_f]Eliana[/name_f] and decided to look up it’s meaning. It’s a Hebrew name that means “God has Answered.” As soon as I saw this I loved it and felt like it was perfect. After our miscarriage I was so scared that I’d never be able to have more children. I prayed…I begged that God would allow me to be pregnant again and that [name_m]Elijah[/name_m] would be able to have a sibling. And now I was. She literally was/is our answer to prayer. All that being said I still loved the name [name_f]Savannah[/name_f] and didn’t want to give it up so easily. This is what started an endless battle in my mind between the two names and an unhealthy amount of anxiety leading up to her birth. I wrote extensive positive and negative lists of each name. There were entire nights I would stay awake thinking about this and feeling like there was no answer. My husband told me that he liked both and that I could choose. This just made the decision more difficult. At one point I decided if I used my own name “[name_f]Joy[/name_f]” as a middle name, then I’d be happier with the name [name_f]Savannah[/name_f]. So for a while it was a decision between [name_f]Savannah[/name_f] [name_f]Joy[/name_f] and [name_f]Eliana[/name_f] [name_f]Jane[/name_f].
One night (about a month before her due date) after staying up all night…at around 4:30 in the morning I decided her name would be [name_f]Eliana[/name_f] [name_f]Joy[/name_f]. I made the decision that night for a number of reasons. First, I loved it’s meaning…and I felt like the meaning of [name_f]Savannah[/name_f] couldn’t really contend. Second, it was similar to [name_f]Eleanor[/name_f] (on my list) and [name_f]Evie[/name_f] and [name_f]Ella[/name_f] (on my husbands list); it seemed like the perfect compromise for a name. Third, I felt like she would have more options with this name in the future. She could go by her full, more beautiful and feminine name, or the nickname “[name_f]Ellie[/name_f]” which to me seemed more fun and spunky. And lastly, although I did have worries about their names being so similar, I convinced myself that maybe having similar names would bring them closer together…since there is a four year age gap between them. When my husband woke up I told I had decided on a name and her name would be [name_f]Eliana[/name_f] [name_f]Joy[/name_f]. And it felt right!
But one week after making my “official decision” I began to question it again. I was worried again it would be too similar to my son’s name [name_m]Elijah[/name_m]. I didn’t really love how it looked written out. I also had decided that if I did name her [name_f]Savannah[/name_f], it would be after the African [name_f]Savanna[/name_f] (not the city I had never visited). I looked up pictures of the African [name_f]Savanna[/name_f] and they were beautiful. [name_f]Every[/name_f] time I was outside on a beautiful day, I felt like [name_f]Savannah[/name_f] was the name. I brought up my concerns to my husband and immediately he was annoyed and frustrated. He said that I had made the decision and we needed to stick with it. I felt frustrated also, but at the same time I understood his point. I had waffled for so long and I really wanted to have a name before we went to the hospital. So I just stuffed away my questions and hoped that this was right, and when the baby was born I would know for sure one way or the other.
The baby was born, and unfortunately, seeing the baby didn’t really help me with the decision. 15 minutes after we had met her my husband asked me what we should name her. I didn’t feel any more confident in one direction or the other, so in an effort not to upset my husband, and feeling like her delivery went well (which was another answer to prayer), I told him her name would be [name_f]Eliana[/name_f] [name_f]Joy[/name_f]. I called my mom to tell her what the name was and the first thing she asked was how is that spelled? I immediately questioned my decision. I thought I had thought of everything, but one thing I didn’t realize was that although this name was technically more popular than [name_f]Eleanor[/name_f], it was less recognizable. Most of all, I had hoped that the name I chose would just feel right, but it didn’t. It felt wrong. I kept calling her by her name but then calling her the other name in my head. I sobbed the first night in the hospital because I felt like I had made the wrong decision. It didn’t help that I had brought my own pillow from home, which happened to have a pillow case with African safari animals all over it. I shared my fears with my husband at the hospital, but he pretty much dismissed it as crazy talk and baby blues. He said I would feel good about it once we were home and getting more sleep. I trusted him and hoped this would be true.
Unfortunately it just seemed to get worse. For the first week I cried every single day about her name. I cringed thinking about having to introduce her to people because I knew people wouldn’t recognize the name…I even had one person ask me “Is that two names or one?” I didn’t like having to write her name with [name_m]Elijah[/name_m]'s because it’s so similar…and writing [name_m]Eli[/name_m] and [name_f]Ellie[/name_f] didn’t help…they’re even more similar! I never wanted to be that person who named their kids “matchy matchy” names. I also mourned the loss of the name [name_f]Savannah[/name_f]. I felt like it was a more “outdoorsy” name…something that reminded me of God’s creation. [name_f]Every[/name_f] time I was outside in God’s beautiful creation, I felt regret, wishing I would have named her [name_f]Savannah[/name_f].
After two weeks of straight crying, and an extreme amount of regret and hopelessness about this situation, I started seeing a counselor. She labeled it Postpartum Depression mixed in and made worse with a prior anxiety disorder. She encouraged me to talk to my husband again about all of this. I did that, and he ended up apologizing for asking me to name her so quickly. He felt like even if I would have had all the time in the hospital, I still would have struggled to pick the name. I was thankful for his apology and the “diagnosis”, and maybe my husband was right, but I still felt stranded in my regrets and “what-ifs.”
It has now been 8 weeks and I’m still struggling with her name. I’m not crying every single day…but almost. I’m still thinking about it all the time. The part that is so sad is that I feel like it’s getting in the way of me connecting with my daughter. I so desperately want to enjoy this special time with her and instead I feel like I’ve been robbed of enjoying this whole experience…from the joy of proudly sharing her name with others to simply sharing private moments with her.
Leading up to her birth I felt like I would be totally happy with either name. I felt like I loved them both equally. But I think the truth is I liked the meaning of [name_f]Eliana[/name_f] so much that it may have overshadowed the fact that I actually liked the sound and feel of [name_f]Savannah[/name_f] better. Or maybe, like the counselor thinks, this is all just postpartum and with medication or if I tough it out…I will be happy again in 6 months or less. Some people have suggested that I think about changing her name. I can’t bear the thought of that. I wouldn’t be able to face the masses of people we know and tell them I feel like I messed up. I would never be able to convince my husband to go through with it. And to be honest I don’t know if I’d even trust myself and my emotions…I mean what if I changed her name and realized that [name_f]Savannah[/name_f] was no better?
I really do think she will like her name. My husband and son like her name. Our family and friends seem to like her name. It’s just me. I really just want to find a way to love her name as much as I did before she was born. I want to hear from someone who struggled with their name choice, but 10 years later feel like it was the right decision. I’m desperately searching for anything/anyone that can help me get through this!
If you’ve made it to the end of this thank you. If you have any thoughts, suggestions, words of encouragement…I would value hearing them. Thanks again.
