Having a gender preference...

I’m a little nervous posting here, but this is my one experience of this pregnancy that I feel a little stigma in talking to my friends about.

I have never really had a preference over which gender my other children were- I was overjoyed every time.

This time (this is my first, and definitely an unplanned, baby with my new partner) I am feeling really strongly about it…

I just feel a really strong sense that this baby should be a boy.

My last two babies were my daughters, and maybe this has something to do with the ‘yearning’ feeling I’m getting toward a boy…

I’ve made countless attempts to understand, rationalise, deal with it, but can’t seem to.

[name]Just[/name] to emphasise- I’m not condoning gender preferences, and I know I will adore my baby whoever he/she turns out to be. I’m just feeling a lot of guilt about this and was hoping this would be a safe forum for it.

Awaiting any stories/words to be shared

I can empathize. My fiance and I are in the planning stages, and I want a girl so much. I picture having a child, and those are the images that come to mind. I’ve noticed that I comment mainly on girl name forums!

And like you, I know if I had a boy, I would still be over-the-moon. I know everyone says this, but I just want a healthy, happy child. You are producing another human being; it’s natural to have some sort of preferences or feelings one way or the other! I hope it’s a boy/girl, I hope they do well in school, I hope they get their dad’s blue eyes, whatever it may be.

[name]Don[/name]'t feel bad, I say!

I honestly don’t see anything wrong in having a preference.
I mean, people don’t feel bad when they say, “Dark hair and dark eyes are my type” and then meet a blond man with green eyes, and end up getting married. Or when someone says they have no desire to learn French but end up getting a job offer in [name]Paris[/name].
I think things like female infanticide and abortions due to the baby’s sex are wrong, but having a preference in your mind? Not a big deal. I can see where the stigma is, and how people could make you feel guilty about it, but I wouldn’t worry.
My cousin desperately wanted a girl when she was pregnant, but she had a boy. She loves him more than anything, and he’s a wonderful, intelligent kid. You can have a preference, and as long as it doesn’t affect your love for the child or how you parent it (in terms of attention, or resources, or something like that).

I’ve always pictured myself to have a boy first. I have to admit, if I don’t ever have a boy, I’ll be disappointed, but that doesn’t mean I’d love my girls any less, or any differently, and that I’d wish my girls had been boys, or anything like that.

All of this! If there were some sort of ethical way to choose for future children’s sex, I’d prefer a boy, then a girl. But I know it’s not up to me, and I’ll be happy with a healthy child no matter what. Apparently there are some methods to try for a particular sex, but it’s not 100%. [name]Worth[/name] giving it a shot but not something I’d try that hard at. (I should mention they are ethical methods, like conceiving on a particular day or certain time during your cycle. There is some evidence that it works, but like I said it’s definitely not 100%!)

I seriously want a girl. I’m not sexist or anything but I just can’t see myself with a boy. I would never give a child away and I do feel guilty for so strongly wanting a girl. Its so hard! I think this is one of the reasons I want to adopt. Try not to be too hard on yourself.

I think its only natural to have a bit of a preference! Not to the point of “I only want this baby if its a ____” or anything, but picturing yourself always having a boy first, or wanting a girl after two boys, totally normal! It doesnt mean youll love the child you get any less.

I always have an urge to call BS when women get all “I dont care what it is as long as it’s healthy.” OF COURSE you want a healthy baby above everything else, I’d be horrified if you DIDNT. I don’t understand why that’s relevant to the baby’s sex and sort of the go-to answer. It’s just another thing we feel like we’re supposed to say. (end rant, really dont mean to offend anyone there, its just a pet peeve of mine)

There’s nothing wrong with having a preference, and I don’t even think there’s an issue with being a little disappointed if your baby isn’t the gender you’d hoped for. This is my third baby, and I am really hoping that it will turn out to be a little boy. With my first, both my DH and I wanted a little girl, me because I’d always wanted a daughter first and him because he already has a son. DH was wanting another boy for our #2 and I had no real opinion either way. But now that we’ve got the two little girls I’d really like to have the experience of mothering a little boy. I love my stepson to death, but he’s already got a mom, KWIM?

I think just don’t beat yourself up over it. Sit with it, feel what your feeling deeply, and doing so may allow you to be at peace with it, whatever the gender of your child. Then it may be easier to let it go, should it not be a boy. I’m sure you’ll love your child, who’s bound to be different and a welcomed addition to your clan (I’ve no doubt). I think this is a safe place to talk about where you’re at, and why you feel the way you do.

If I can say one thing? I know a few people who know full out that their parents wanted a child of a different gender, and in every case it seems to pain them (to a greater or lesser degree) to have this information. If they were a boy or girl instead (depending on the case) they would be a different person, and I think it’s unfair and inappropriate of a parent to share this in such a way that it ever gets back to the child. (I’ve heard similar comments directed at adults. Ie. “you’d be so great if you were a ______,” from someone who might otherwise be attracted to them. Frankly, it’s a backhanded compliment at best. Anyway, I digress. I’m sure you have much more tact than this.

My point is: Maybe figuring out which qualities you associate with having a boy will allow you to discover certain traits in your child, or foster a different type of connection with your little one.

Being honest with ourselves is often the most difficult thing, and I commend you for having the courage to share this.

I don’t think there’s anything wrong with wanting a boy after having two girls. In fact, I think that’s quite natural. I think most people want at least one of each gender, so I think it’s perfectly normal that since you already have two girls, you’re hoping for a boy this time around.

I don’t think it is wrong to have a gender preference mainly because we do. We plan on actually “trying” for a girl. There are tons of methods and our plan is try them all and if we end up with a boy, well then o well, but we really want a girl so if we do have a boy, we’ll probably adopt a girl later on. (I only plan to give birth once, the world is already overpopulated).

I had an aunt who really wanted a boy and ended up with 4 girls, but she loves them all. My fiance’s mom lucked out, she too had 4 kids and her 4th one was boy.

Anyway, I think it’s perfectly normal and you shouldn’t feel bad about it

I am only a teenager, but I don`t really care. As long as the baby is healthy. Really, I want 3-4 kids, at least 1 of each gender. (:

[name]Don[/name]'t beat yourself up about how you are feeling. I think it is very common.

We are having our third baby and I already have pangs of gender disappointment just thinking about having another girl. I want a boy so badly.

I try to focus on my belief that each of our children choose us for a reason. So if I we are to be parents to another girl, then that is as it should be…

I used to feel like you. I could never imagine myself with a son, I thought I’d be devastated and feel “cheated” if I ever had a little boy. I yearned for a little girl. I honestly used to worry about getting pregnant on a boy, I worried that I wouldn’t “love” a son like a mother should and that I wouldn’t be the mom I want to be if I had a boy first. I’ve had my girl names picked out for years, but no boys names ever appealed to me, so I guess my “daughter” felt more real to me than my “son”.

Then, when my broodiness reached new heights last year, I started dreaming about giving birth to a son. In my dreams, I felt a rush of overwhelming love for my baby boy. I had these dreams every night for week. And you know what? Since I’ve had those dreams, I no longer have a preference.

Sure, if really really pushed, I’d probably prefer a girl ever so slightly more than a boy. But I know I’d be thrilled to have a son and not feel disappointed if I were expecting one.

These feelings are totally normal :slight_smile: Its nothing to be ashamed of!

I’m glad I can’t choose. This baby would never be born. I sort of want both genders, but not sure if I could handle twins.

This just throws me into bouts of indecision and internal debates. :stuck_out_tongue:

[name]Hi[/name] namespy,
Like the others that have posted, I don’t think it’s unusual to have a gender preference. We didn’t find out the gender of either of our babies (both girls), and when I was pregnant with my first, I was really leaning towards wanting a girl. I am the older sister in my family, so I always imagined having a girl first, and then having a boy, or boys (I have younger twin brothers). But during that first pregnancy, I kept having baby boy dream. I didn’t have a single girl dream, so I thought the “universe” was trying to prepare me for having a baby boy!

With my 2nd pregnancy, I was sure I was having a boy! I was totally ok with having 2 little girls, but I was just so sure it was a boy. My pregnancy felt different…less heartburn, more hip pain, etc, etc! I was certain! But then I had my 2nd baby girl. I was so surprised when she was born and my hubby told me it was a girl (silly, I know, since it was always a 50/50 chance). And, to be honest, I was also surprised to find myself a little disappointed. We’ve had our boy name chosen since we were pregnant with [name]Willow[/name]. I love the name and feel ‘attached’ to it already…like we know his name, we’re just waiting for him to get here. I think that I just didn’t realize how badly I wanted a baby boy. [name]Veda[/name] is 3 months now, and I occasionally wonder what it would have been like to have a little boy, but it’s a joy to have her in my life! She’s just starting to figure out how to laugh, and she scrunches up her nose when she smiles!

I’ve decided that if my hubby and I have baby number 3 (still undecided), that I want to find out the gender. I think if I did know at 20 wks what I was having, it would allow me to either be really excited about a boy, or time to get really excited about having another girl. I don’t think that you said, but have you considered finding out the gender? If the baby is a girl, it might help to know that, so you and your partner can start to bond with her now. You’ll be able to do a little shopping, and start to think about her name…

[name]Don[/name]'t be too hard on yourself for how you feel! We are all human, and have preferences for everything, why would it be so much different when it comes to our beloved babies?

My husband and I both had a strong gender preference with baby #1 and really wanted a girl. We decided to find out the gender, in large part so we could be prepared emotionally and because the suspense was terrible! I know we would both be disapointed if we had a boy at that time and then would feel guilty about that disapointment of course, especially if we were disapointed at the time of the child’s birth. So we found out and it was indeed a girl and we could foucs on all the anticipation withour the lingering wonder.

[name]Baby[/name] # 2 came along and I was reasdy for either gender, but my husband who is smitten with our daughter wanted another girl. we found out again at the 20week scan and low and behold it was a boy. I am glad we found out because it took my husband a long while to adjust and could not have handeled his disapointment well at the birth.

I suggest you find out the gender at the time of the anatomy scan around 20 weeks. It will be good for you emotionally to close this chapter and focus on what is ahead.

Best of luck!

We’re expecting our first and my husband has gender preference. His reasons are he is afraid of having a girl, wouldn’t know what to do and wants a boy. If it were up to him we’d have 4-5 boys haha. That being said we’ve talked about it and he really is just as happy either way what this baby is, it’s just if he could decide, he’d say boy. It won’t change how much he’ll love our child. I used to want a girl when I was younger then into my 20s I wanted a boy. When we began TTC I became neutral. I really couldn’t decide if I had to choose the first one! I think any other children though I will have gender preference. I’d like to have one of each I think.

I think it’s great that you can be honest with yourself and express your hopes/desires.
You’ll love your baby no matter what…there’s nothing wrong with hoping for sex gender over the other though! When the baby comes, you won’t be able to picture yourself with anything other than what you got.

I always pictured myself with a girl. But when we found out I was pregnant, I pretended it was a boy just so I could get used to the idea and not be disappointed if it did turn out to be a boy. I searched only boy names and looked at boy things when I went shopping, but somewhere inside me I knew it was a girl, my husband always referred to the baby as “she” and “her” because he knew too. When we found out it was a girl, we were overjoyed. If she had been a boy, I might have been slightly disappointed in all honesty. But I’m sure we would have accepted it and started loving the idea of having a boy.

When I think about a second baby, I picture another girl. [name]Even[/name] though I would be perfectly happy with a boy, I still see another girl due to a comment my father made to me when I was about 15 or 16. I was a rebellious teenager and one day he had to come pick me up from school early because I got in trouble. The whole drive home I was yelling and telling him how i wanted to get out of my small town and move to a huge city and never get married or have kids, I was going to be a famous writer or actress and live by myself. He just listened to me and laughed (which made me soooo angry at the time) and said “No… you’ll have two little girls.” He said it so matter of factly, like he could see into the future. My dad died in 2007 so he never got to meet his granddaughter, which makes me really sad but I feel like if i have another girl, I’ll be fulfilling his prophecy and it would connect my children to him in some way. [name]Even[/name] stranger yet, [name]Rowan[/name] has green eyes and light brown hair just like my dad (I have dark hair and eyes and my husband is half Navajo so he is very dark) Definitely makes me smile every time I look at her.

Everyone does, I think. I personally want a girl for my first (not currently pregnant or ttc). I want more girls than boys, actually. I don’t think it’s wrong to say you’re hoping for one over the other as long as you don’t let that affect how you feel about the baby if you don’t get your way. And I also always want to call bullsh*t on the women who say “as long as it’s healthy…”, that’s a great sentiment but you’re human. You have wants and hopes, you probably have a preference.

For example, my manager at work was ttc her second and final child, and she already has a little girl. [name]One[/name] of her major worries about ttc again was that it would be another girl, because she really wanted one of each (she has a step-son, but as mentioned by a pp he already has a ‘real’ mom). She always talked about wanting a boy so badly that after she got pregnant one day I asked her what she would do if the baby was another girl. She said she’d honestly be disappointed, but that she loved the baby so much already she would get over it and probably not even care by the time the baby was born. Luckily for her it did turn out to be a boy, but she’s a great mom so I know it wouldn’t have affected her if he had been a girl. Whereas she told me her dad wanted a boy when her mom was pregnant with her and her identical twin, and when he found out it was not only one girl but two, he was so bitter about it that he didn’t help with them when they were babies at all. According to her mom he wanted nothing to do with them until they were almost two. If that’s the reaction then yes, a preference is bad, but if you can be adult and get over it I think it’s totally normal.