Article in an Australian newspaper today:
Well, I think both parents should agree on their child’s name, but, let’s be honest, the mother usually has the final say! My husband also subscribes to the “rejection” method!
I think it should be a compromise of sorts. I will say I did insist that we name our first daughter after my mother but I offered that he could come up with any nickname or whatever if he wanted to make the name something he loved as much as me. Instead he agreed to it with the stipulation that we name our first son [name_m]Patrick[/name_m]. So we pretty much each got to pick one name that we completely loved. And by the time our daughter was born my husband was head over heels about the name as much as I was since it was really cute to hear our two year old say it. And I got really lucky that the name he wanted to use was one I already loved.
If we have a third I would like to both really like the name. So far my husband isn’t interested in talking about potential names since we’re not even TTC yet. I’ve suggested a few possible names and he mostly says that it’s OK. I kind of want to pick an name that we both love or at least grow to love by the time the baby arrives.
I found the article sexist and the writer annoying. My mom picked my first name and Dad picked my sister’s. My dad picked my middle name and my mom picked my sister’s. We are happy, we have normal if common names that were possibly two great-grandma names. Most of the couples I know get along when it comes to naming children. I think if you are married and your husband contributes to both having an income and raising the family then he gets an equal say. My mom would never have picked my sister’s name, but she loves it now as she loves my sister.
I think it gets complicated when you are not together or the relationship is unstable.
I also think fighting about names is often a sign of deeper issues. For example in the article I think the real issue is she wanted a smaller family than he did, and she feels like he takes for granted not only in names but in general how strenuous and hard it is to keep being pregnant, etc. I personally would have made him adopt the second son to make sure the numbers are even (since that’s important to him.)
Interesting. Although I am only 15w, I have been trying to find the “perfect” name since I found out I was pregnant. My husband, however, could not be less interested in a name conversation. I am crossing my fingers that once we know the gender, he will want to talk names more. If he doesn’t, I am perfectly willing to just choose whatever I see fit. I am pretty sure that my husband had very little involvement in the naming of his other children, so it might really be something he doesn’t care about.
The “I’m carrying the baby so I’m naming the baby” attitude of the author is really selfish and quite awful.
Yes, she is going through a lot physically to carry the child - but biologically it is a task he cannot undertake. While not diminishing how hard birth and labour are on a woman, they will be parenting together for at least the next 18 years so starting that relationship by disregarding one partner’s input based on something he cannot do isn’t a great way to ensure the parenting of that particular child starts smoothly.
I can understand the frustration when one partner isn’t contributing at all to the discussion of names, and to a limited extent I can understand the position of “unless you bring a new name to the table then we are using one of my favourites”. However, while it seems to be an underlying problem in the article, it’s not her stated reason for shutting her husband out of the discussion. In most cases I’ve heard this argument used however is in circumstances where the mother wants one name and the father wants another and neither will budge - in those circumstances I think it is a selfish way to solve a dispute that could otherwise be solved with compromise.
The final thing that jarred about her article is the fact that she couldn’t see her husband had given up anything at all for the pregnancy. I’m not saying contributions are equal however this speaks of one of two problems - either the husband really is a layabout who doesn’t lift a finger, or she can’trecognise the contributions he makes to the family - either of which are very fforeboding for the future of a relationship. As the partner of a pregnant woman, I have also made sacrifices - for example if soneone has to get up to our toddler in the night, it’s always me, if someone has to move from the couch in the evening or sleep there at night because she needs space, it’s always me, I’m giving up a heap of sick leave to look after her and our toddler when she’s struggling, as well as being the sole financial contributor, as well as giving up any chance of leaving a job that is a bad fit for me for the next five years. So ultimately if her husband is doing none of that, there’s a problem - and if she can’t recognise that he is contributing, there is also a problem.
I agree with the article somewhat. Women give up so much when it comes to having a baby.
Sure the dad gives up a lot, but it’s only for 9 months while she’s pregnant and then the first few months when the baby is around. The woman, traditionally, has to stay home and raise the kids. She doesn’t get to go out and work or have a career. If she does, then the child is likely put in daycare, so in that case it evens out, but most people prefer to take care of their own children.
The man, on the other hand, gets to go back to work. He might help out with the baby when he’s home, but for the most part, the mother is caring for the child all day. On top of that she has to clean, cook, run errands (groceries, post office), take the kids to school, after school activities, etc… and if she has a part time job…
Sure it’s not the man’s fault he can’t have a baby, but she didn’t have to either. There is the option of no kids or adoption.
If she is “biologically willing” then I think she should have more input over the child’s name. Then again, this is coming from someone who doesn’t plan on giving birth… at least not for a long time
That’s interesting that paid work is seen as something that the man “gets” to do like it’s a privilege but being a SAHM or using childcare is sonething a woman “has” to do.
This comnent is from someone who “has” to work to keep paying the mortgage and ensuring the family is fed, to allow their partner to “get” to choose between staying at home or working.
It’s all about perception. I don’t think either side is necessarily priviliged.
The name should be a compromise between the mother and the father, and I say this as a woman. If a couple can’t compromise on a name, that doesn’t bode well for other future compromises involving the children.
I’m an AMerican woman who is very privileged to stay home while my husband works full time. However, when he comes home he helps me with everything now because I’m pregnant, including sleeping with our 2-year-old son at night so I get quality rest. So, in addition to earning full time he comes home and does the grocery shopping and helps with laundry and dishes. I am very blessed to have a husband like this. He is from [name_f]India[/name_f] and is happy to have me stay home.
Because of this, I could never choose a name he wasn’t happy with. He and I are never going to find THE name together, so we each make compromises on the name. This way, my husband feels more connected to our children in that he had a part in naming them, and the names of our children represent us each compromising for the betterment of our marriage.
If I had to work full time and my husband didn’t knock himself out to be a good provider, or if he wasn’t a very involved father, I would feel very differently about giving him so much say in our child’s name.
It’s well known that in [name_u]America[/name_u], companies are more likely to hire a women if she doesn’t have kids or is not pregnant. So say a young woman fresh out of college walks in right after a woman with tons of experiences, but has 2 kids and baby on the way, who do you think they are going to choose? The college girl. Why? Because to them the pregnant woman with 2 kids is going to have 1) more sick days (kids and herself) 2) missing more time at work due to maternity leave 3) not as flexible of a schedule (has to take care of kids) - making her more family oriented, while the college girl is going to eager to work and get her career going - making her more work oriented. And companies are going to go for the ones that put work first.
[name_m]Hence[/name_m] a man “gets” to work or is more likely to get a job.
Getting to work is great thing (if your doing a job you like/love). I wasn’t replying to your post, I didn’t even read it till I saw this comment. [name_f]Every[/name_f] situation is different. I was speaking from the “traditional” standpoint, which a lot of people still go by these days.
Sure if you have a job you hate, and only have it to pay the bills, then it’s probably not great…
Depends. If the father is going to actually stick around a coparent, then he deserves equal say. If he is just going to be one of those deadbeats or “weekend dads”, he shouldn’t get any of it.
My husband would never go through the lists/books and make suggestions, so it was more practical for me to present him a list that I could live with and have him narrow it down. We both have veto power. For this baby, we came down to 2 names - one I preferred and one he preferred. We let our 4 year-old choose between them as the tie breaker (he “won”). It’s his baby, too. Yes, I’m the one that’s pregnant and has to give birth, but that’s not exactly something he can take over for me.
I disagree among other things, more dads are choosing to stay at home with their kids. That being said the parent who works contributes something to the family an income and a salary for the stay-at-home parents to live on. Most families need at least one parent to work full-time in order to pay the bills for things like food, clothing, shelter, etc. I am always amazed at how selfish some stay-at-home parents, acting like they do everything while the working parent “only works” The parent who works pays the bills, usually otherwise the family has no income to live off of. I see working as being an equally valuable contribution to the family.
I would love to have a partner who is just as excited about names as I am. [name_m]Even[/name_m] if it caused more fights over names, I would be happy knowing he cares so much about it- and would be happy to “lose” a fight if it meant he got to name our child a name he is passionate about.
I both agree and disagree with the article. My husband constantly rejects any name I suggest but never offeres any real reasons or name suggestions himself, unless it’s something ridiculous like Jimbly-Jambly. So I get the frustration. I made my own lists and said he would just have to deal with it and pick a name when baby arives. I just couldn’t do it though, I needed him to atleast like the names on the list. This baby is as much his as it is mine.
About a week ago I give up on even naming this baby because as much as I wanted to tell him he had lost his right help name the baby because he was being unreasonale, that’s really not fair. Then something I consider to be as close to a miracle as I will ever wittnes happened. He bought up baby names with me! He listened to what names I like and why I like then. then he even agreed with me! I feel so much better knowing we made the choice together.
I think both parents should compromise and come up with a name they both love. that said, i know that’s not always how it works. my daughter’s father didn’t care at all about names, and he doesn’t care about names this time either. He only says that I can name the baby whatever I want. It doesn’t matter which name I ask him about, he just says “go ahead if you like it”. The only suggestion of his own is Laser for a boy. But yeah… I don’t think anyone should name the baby on their own. It would be so much more fun if he actually cared and had some suggestions.
And we wonder why many fathers aren’t as involved in childrearing as mothers, when this kind of attitude is so pervasive. It is already hard enough for fathers to bond with their children on the same biological level as mothers (who get to carry the baby and breastfeed, and have all sorts of hormones at work), so to shut them out of something that doesn’t require a uterus or breasts or hormones just isn’t right. [name_m]Just[/name_m] because a guy doesn’t spend his adolescence naming imaginary babies doesn’t mean that he doesn’t have just as much claim to the naming process as a girl who did.
No one gets “the final say” here. We may not get to use our very favorite names, but eventually we’ll find something that we both can live with. I love names and have been naming things since I was a kid, but part of being a grown-up in a partnership of respect is compromise and creating new things together.
That being said, I would be pissed if my husband just shot down every suggestion without offering up a list of his own. Luckily, we’ve not had that issue. If anything we’re both really into names, even though our styles don’t really match up perfectly.
I sort of agree with the article in that if you’re a woman with a partner who just says no to every single one of your suggestions without offering any of his own then something needs to be done about it if you want that baby to actually have a name. Make a shortlist and tell him to pick what he likes off there, or that he can’t veto any more suggestions unless he comes up with one of his own, whatever. I don’t think, though, that it should be 100% the woman having a say in the baby’s name, unless you’re going to give birth and raise the child as a single mama with a father that shows no interest at all. [name_m]Say[/name_m] you picked a name, giving your partner no say, and it turned out you picked the name of his brother’s horrible ex-[name_f]MIL[/name_f], and you had no idea. It needs to be a name you can both live with without any negative issues at the very minimum.
Personally, I think fathers should have just as much say in the child’s name as the mother, provided the parents are together. As in, if a woman gets pregnant (unplanned) and either she or the father wants nothing to do with being a parent, then the one who decides to parent should be the one to name the baby.
In your typical equal-parenting relationship, both parents should have equal say. My blood BOILS when I hear women complain that they birth the baby so they should get to name the baby.
ETA: having equal say does not mean one parent vetos every suggestion and doesn’t provide any replacement ideas. Having a father, or a mother, who says “no” and nothing else to every possibility is not productive, and not fair to the other parent. It’s compromise, “take a little, give a little”, not “find something I like and then I’ll say ‘yes’”
I think men should have the option to have as much input as mom. The baby is both of theirs! But I know that my husband is going to do the veto method. Essentially, I will select the name because I’ll put up suggestions and he’ll veto them - that’s how we pick everything. Although he may surprise me!
My parents did the opposite with me - my mom “let” my dad name me, but she had veto power and vetoed the first 2-3 names he came up with. I’m glad because they were some heinous names. My mother picked my brother and sister’s names.