[name_u]Haven[/name_u]'t read the article, but it’s his baby too! Of course he should have an equal say. That said, my husband and I aren’t agreeing on a name right now, and I do sort of think that if we’re really deadlocked and cannot agree on a name that we both love, I selfishly think my “vote” should count a little more. (But he thinks his should, since it’s a boy). But I think bottom line, it’s a process both parents should be involved in, as equally as possible.
Funny enough, I’M probably the world’s biggest fan of the shoot-em’-down method. I do it to my brothers/friends all the time.
Where do you want to go?
I don’t know. Somewhere entertaining.
Like where?
No clue.
[name_m]How[/name_m] about blah blah blah.
No that’s boring.
So when it comes to it, I’d probably be entertained by sitting around and tossing out names to see what imaginary babydaddy said. There’d be some weird ones in there to prove he was paying attention, but I understand how it feels to be thrust into a decision making process and having absolutely no context.
If a name hadn’t been chosen by the time baby shows up, and he’d done nothing to contribute, I’d probably figure it didn’t matter to him and just name the kid myself. A small, selfish part of me hopes for this.
i had to stop reading the OP’s linked article when i arrived at the word “husbanger”. either way, the question seems to keep popping up for many moms.
in our case, my fiancé did have a say in the naming of our firstborn. he didn’t make too many suggestions, although most of the ones he did make i really liked. i guess we are lucky to be sharing the same taste in names.
i don’t expect him to be all over names like i, so i’ve tried to keep the discussions to a minimum. i also called him out when i noticed him falling into stereotypical patterns like automatically vetoing my suggestions.
with that said, i think it was fun to see what we both like and dislike in names, and how we go about the name search. it took my fiancé always a bit longer to warm up to a name, while i can be very excited about a name today and dislike it the very next.
some people might not be conscious namers. i don’t think that’s necessarily the guy. but if he happens to be, sometimes you can make him naming-conscious if you happen to be a name nerd and pay attention to origin, popularity, meaning, sound and connotations of a name… as well as the “flow” between first, middle name(s) and last name. if you can’t, i think there might be a point that the person who cares more about names might sometimes get a bit more say, but without overrunning the other.
in our case, while i suggested about 93% of the names we discussed, i was always glad when my fiancé decided he really liked or disliked some of them, since i tend to be indecisive.
Very great question. After my first son was born and my husband chose his name he said if we have a girl I can choose her name. Than my second son came and it was a easy choice I loved the names [name_m]Caleb[/name_m] and [name_m]Kaiden[/name_m] equally and he chose [name_m]Kaiden[/name_m]. Although he chose the spelling but since I got a name I wanted I didn’t argue over the spelling. So child three comes and she is a girl I was all ready with the name [name_f]Adalyn[/name_f]. My husband wouldn’t ever consider it, than I fell in love with the name [name_f]Gianna[/name_f], one again he said no way. So we had to compromise. So after three children and not getting the names I love I would say husbands should have imput but not final say.
Despite the pride mothers-to-be are aware that their men have for their child, as a woman i can’t relate to the flippancy that men treat the task of naming their blood…
It is not a pet;it is not a colour-by-numbers, it is not an algebra equation…
It most certainly IS someting worth taking into consideration, and having ‘back-ups’…
If, at the last moment, my mum did not change her mind, I would be Cesare ( pron. Chez-are-rae) instead of Lucy. And I was was born in 1982…my aussie nickname wld def. have been Cheezel, i just know it). Cesare is traditionally a boys’ name, from what i can gather…but my dad liked Lucy. So, on the day, there i was…Lucy.
Dads should get a say, but if he doesnt make an effort after nine months to find more than four names, min 2 each gender, then no, the task is given to mum. Dad can have 2nd or 3rd name, because, really, he has the last name…if thats not enough, then mama needs to strap the whip x Having said that, the stress of having to come up with a decent name for a human being is huge, and during that process of trying to create a great name, stress, hormones, and and maybe even trend during those months ( we all know how quickly styles change) may have you loving ceratin names…then on that bright day, instead of choosing Eames you both agree on James…it is different with every couple and hormones are Kahr-Rae-Zhie!!!
men choose their participation; approach them gently, let them think it was their idea to discuss it, mentally/secretly take notes, approaching them later with said notes…this works twice in succession, to approach the man a third time invokes a heavy sigh so make your first two lists good. from then on, suggest only two (2) names every 3 days within a 7-day period, with at least a 4 day reprieve…
Lather, rinse, and repeat if necessary…
xxx
when it comes to the crunch, if your fella isnt prepared, then you, mamma, has command…if not you then who??? xxxxxx
I agree that it has to come from both parents. I can’t imagine giving my child a name that my husband and I didn’t both love. On the other hand, I can understand the frustration that can come in baby naming when half of the couple subscribes to the veto method.
I personally have been thinking about baby names since I was a young girl, dreaming up beautiful combinations, spending countless hours searching baby name websites, saying them in my head wondering what a person with those names would be like (as I’m sure many of my fellow name nerds can identify with). I can imagine the disappointment and frustration when many of those carefully dreamed up combos are summarily dismissed without a second thought. A lot of my favourite names took a while to grow on me, and now have significant meaning in sound and association.
Because of this, I think that both the husband and wife should agree beforehand to give significant respect and consideration to each others’ choices before making a decision. If there was a name that my husband had always loved and it was very special to him, that might make me fall in love with something that I had never considered before, and hopefully vice versa.
In summary, I just think that both partners should consider how important the name is to the other, and through that reach a compromise that leaves both in love with the final choice.
@julery - absolutely; luckily my DH agrees on my names for girls, tho for boys i find i need to be more scrupulous; i find im less whimiscal, and more serious when creating male name combos; and DH always has final say tho i am allowed 2nd/3rd if i agree with his firsts’.
I think if they’re both going to be in their kids’ life then they both deserve a say in what that kid’s name is going to be. I could never name my kid something knowing that my husband hated it. It wouldn’t really bode well for future parenting outcomes if our first real act as parents was me ignoring his opinions and doing whatever I wanted. To me, marriage and parenting should be an equal partnership and that includes naming.
I’d rather give up my favorite name than alienate my husband.
Here’s what my partner has given up in this 13 week long pregnancy:
-
[name_u]Freedom[/name_u].
Why? Because I have raging SPD and can’t do 90% of the household chores I used to do. It means NO hovering, NO laundry, NO bending down (I simply can’t), NO lifting of any kind, NO washing the floors, NO shopping and NO changing the litter box -
Identity
Why? Because currently all he does is work, clean, put our brood to bed and then massage my sore limbs in an attempt to ease the pain -
Sanity
Why? Because he gets next to no time to himself. His entire life atm is being spend running around like a headless chicken trying to help out as much as he can -
his wallet.
Why? Because not only do we need every piece of baby equipment and clothes, including expensive school uniforms, for our children, but we also need to invest in very expensive bus passes as my SPD prevents me from walking on the school run and the bus is the only option for us. -
Quality time for himself
Why? Not only does he work two jobs, but he also does everything he can to make life as easy and comfortable for the rest of us while putting his own needs in the backseat.
These are NOT things he is being asked to, these are things he wants to do!
I do NOT feel I have given up anymore than my partner has for us to have this child and he does it all without complaining; not just for me, but for our children - born as unborn, because its what a father and a partner does when his “mate” is in distress. He knows it will be a long 6 months while my SPD will probably only get worst, but he doesn’t complain or place blame or in any way make me feel like a nuisance or this baby a burden. So why should I place myself on a pedestal of “I’m carrying the baby” - I may well be, I may also be the one experiencing the physical pain, but he’s carrying me as much as he can to try to make this pregnancy as smooth, good and easy as possible.
Maybe I’m just lucky - but I know that this child is being brought into the world with equal sacrifice from both parents and he will love and bond with this child as much, easily and quickly as I will. [name_m]Even[/name_m] if I breastfeed I know he will be right there, ready to get out of bed to get me/us whatever we need to be comfortable, just as he has with the other children.
When it comes to naming - we did it in a pretty simple way: when we couldn’t agree, we made a deal. He chose the first ones name and I the second ones. The middle names we agreed on. He does veto a lot and he is annoying, but I’d never say “I’m carrying it, its my choice” because its his baby and he is there for our children as much as I am.
There isn’t room for selfishness when raising a baby. Compromise, yes. Persuasion, yes. But not the “it’s more MY baby than YOUR baby” card. Not in my opinion anyway.
The author sounds selfish to me, too. Feminism is great but when it crosses the line to dismissing men/fathers or taking them for granted, that bothers me. I hope people don’t read this article and think that all women share her attitude. The ability to compromise is a necessity for a healthy relationship, as is the ability to put oneself in their partner’s shoes. Or at least be willing to attempt to figure out where they’re coming from. I hope the author is more empathetic when she’s not on hormone overdrive; otherwise, her unappreciative attitude is the warning siren of much marital difficulty to come.
When it comes to deciding which parent has how much say in naming, I don’t think it matters which parent does what childrearing activities (working, cleaning, caregiving) as long as both parents put in their “fair share”–which is whatever works for the couple. I work in a field where there is actually gender equality in the workforce (pharmacist) and when we have children, my husband will be a stay-at-home dad while I bring home da bacon. And this arrangement, flipped gender roles and all, makes no difference to how I feel about naming. We are compromising in a way that works for us. We both have a say because we are both interested in naming and both have ideas.
Of course, when mom and dad are not together, both in the picture, or interested in naming, those are different stories.
I have found it helpful to create a list, then have him mark names as “no way,” “maybe” or “yes.” It takes some of the pressure off of him, and I can see which names are “maybe” that I can work to warm him up to. I think I have found my favorite name for our boy ([name_m]Victor[/name_m] Woodford), and I think I can get him to come around to it.
Without reading any of the other replies, this is my two cents worth…
The mother and father should pick a name together. To “punish” the man by saying, “I’m the one who carries the baby for nine months and goes through all that entails, so I get the final say,” is rather pathetic. To punish a man for what is nature - i.e. the woman is the one who carries the offspring - just isn’t on. (And men miss out by not being the ones who experience pregnancy too, they never get that feeling of the baby growing inside of them, which I can imagine is the most magical feeling on earth).
Yes it’s true that women are the ones who go through the pregnancy, but they wouldn’t be pregnant without the man would they, it takes two to make a baby?!
Choosing a name should be a joint effort and neither parent should try to force the other to use a name they don’t like.
I’d like to think that when my time comes to start a family, with the man I love, choosing names for our children will be something we’ll do together, one of the first steps on our joint parenting journey.
I think women who pull the “I carried the kid, had the heartburn, did the birth so I have more say in names” are ignoring the advantages they get to enjoy that their partner misses out on. The father doesn’t get in on lots of things- the first voice a baby hears is it’s mother which effects their language development for the rest of their life, he doesn’t get in on the intensely strong cocktail of chemicals that bonds a mother and child immediately after birth, he doesn’t get to be a part of the bond that is breastfeeding, and societally he has a certain degree of disadvantage too (for example, the stigma against stay-at-home dads). And I think at the end of it, it’s pulling the “pregnancy and birth is always terrible and horrible” card, which is not necessarily true. If you’re going to sing the praises of something, you need to talk about negative effects too, and the same goes the other way around. You can’t say something is horrible and ignore the benefits just to get your way.
And then there’s obvious double-standards of “claiming” a major life decision based on some trump card that comes with your vagina but expecting equal effort in parenting from the father. Obviously within individualized cases there are variables- for example if the father bails during the pregnancy or there is already some agreement between the couple that they have their “places” based on genders or something more common as one partner making horrible suggestions- that determine how much weight each person puts on a decision, but having a standard of “well the woman does it because she’s a woman” is just blatant sexism and usually hypocritical.
When we ever have kids, I expect my partner to be completely equal in the amount of work he does. And that level of work is based on time, ability level, and the baby itself, not on what’s between our legs. I would expect my partner to consult me before making any major decision about our child, and he expects me to do the same. Isn’t that just part of a relationship?
Ideally it should be 50/50, though more likely it’s going to be a compromise of some sort. Some men have a keen interest in names and baby naming and that shouldn’t be disregarded, however others aren’t really that interested and will leave it up to the mother. There are also those who have no interest in baby naming but will still veto all suggestions, and I can see how that can be frustrating - however, I don’t agree with one parent (mother or father) giving the baby a name the other one outright hates.
I haven’t gone through all 11 pages, so I am probably echoing the thoughts of others:
If you’re planning on parenting together, you should be able to compromise and pick out a name together.
For some couples that might mean letting one pick the first name and the other the middle. For some couples it might mean the parent who has a stronger opinion ends up being allowed to choose by the one who doesn’t care as much. For some couples it might mean both parents giving up their absolute favorite names and finding a new one that both can agree on.
There’s no one way of naming a baby, but both parents should be happy with the method they choose. There are so many other aspects of parenting that involve compromise–coordinating parents’ schedules, discipline, religious upbringing, etc.–naming is just the tip of the iceberg.
I assume the article was meant at least partially in jest, but I couldn’t help but feel sad for the author. I understand the frustration of having a partner who constantly vetoes ideas, but her portrayal of her relationship made it seem incredibly dysfunctional, as though baby naming were just one manifestation of some deep-seated communication problems. And, I highly doubt that her partner had given up nothing or been inconvenienced in no way by her pregnancy as she portrayed. That sort of “I do all the work around here” attitude is so self-centered, toxic, and usually blind to actual circumstances.
says 50-50.
My Inner Honest Self says, well, gee, I dunno. 60-40, in the woman’s court?
I think both spouses/partners should get to reject a name they loathe, though probably do feel women should prevail a bit in that. She does carry the child around for a lot of months and then goes through pain to bring it to the world.
All the more reason to give two middles!
We’ve decided, I get first name honors, and he gets the last name (his - of course!) and one middle name honors. (Though, he can veto my first name preference if he abhors it). Thankfully, he loves [name_m]Ulysses[/name_m]. But the girl name is more difficult to find agreement…
Btw, we tried the 50/50 approach but it lead to a stalemate situation…we have such divergent tastes in names, it’s a miracle we both love [name_m]Ulysses[/name_m]!
Well for me its 50/50 the kid gets your last name so im picking the first. Hes not the one whos going to be carrying and pushing out a 6 pound human. To me the mother at the end of the day if the couple still cant agree on a name has full right to name the baby whatever she chooses. Men already kinda get to have everything else in this world why not let her have this one thing?