Keeping the Baby a Secret - When To Tell?

Parentberries
1

I am not pregnant, but we are planning on having a baby sometime in the near future (1-2 years from now).

I was planning on keeping the baby a secret for a good amount of time. We live a state away from any of our family so it would not be hard to hide it as long as we do not visit anyone. My main concern is that I might miscarry and then I don’t want everyone to know I am pregnant and all of a sudden everyone feels bad for me. So I plan to keep it a secret until I know the baby’s gender and throw a “Surprise Shower,” kind of the opposite of a surprise party, where the guests are the ones surprised.

[name]Do[/name] you think this is a good idea? Or do you think people will be upset? Have you done something like this or do you plan to?

I defiantly plan on keeping the baby’s due date a secret because I really do not want anyone but my husband to be in the delivery room. This was kind of our deal since I would rather adopt, but he wants a baby, and I do not want anyone to see me in labor but him. We will of course tell people after I am out of the hospital. I just don’t want to have to deal with people while I am in pain. I throw up just from cramps, giving birth scares me and at the same time I do kind of want the experience, but the pain scares me. I mean if I throw up just from the pain I have when I am on my period? [name]How[/name] painful is having a baby?

What do you guys think? What did you guys do?

2

If I were your family and suddenly got a call out of the blue “Hey, guess what, you’re a grandma!” I’d be more than hurt that you didn’t tell the family about the baby. Especially if I’m a sibling or parent or grandparent, it would crush me that you guys didn’t tell me. (This only applies if you have a good relationship with your family. If you don’t, then this whole thing is moot.) We haven’t told our families yet - I’m only two months along, and DH and I agreed not to tell anyone until I’m at least 3 months. But I wouldn’t dream of completely excluding them from the pregnancy altogether.

As far as the “surprise shower” goes - bad idea. Either you tell family and friends you’re pregnant and they throw you a shower, or you don’t tell them and you don’t get a shower. You can’t have both. It’s incredibly rude and presumptive.

Your family doesn’t get to storm the gates in the delivery room. You get to determine who is in the room with you, and who can visit you in your recovery room. Tell the hospital only DH is allowed to be with you, no one else. Our hospital has a 1-person in the delivery room policy anyway, and of course my husband gets that slot. Everyone else is going to have to wait in the waiting room until DH says they can come see me in recovery - one a time. If you’re truly concerned about family interference, let the hospital know in advance, and consider hiring a doula or midwife to help ensure the process goes smoothly and calmly. In addition to being there for the actual birth, many doulas and midwives also help run interference with families, ensure your birthing plan is followed, support your DH, etc.

As far as pain, if you’re truly that terrified of having a baby, then you and DH need to seriously sit down and have a heart-to-heart about this. If fear of pain of pregnancy and birth makes you sick and terrified, then DH needs to take that into consideration. It is wrong of him to insist on your becoming pregnant if it truly terrifies you that much. Pregnancy and birth is naturally a little scary the first time - that’s normal. But if you’re truly that upset by it, go with DH to the doctor and have a long list of questions about what it will be like, what kind of pain can you expect, what kind of pain medications are available, etc. Modern medicine offers lots of options that provide if not a completely pain-free, at least much more comfortable delivery.

Another option to consider is surrogates, if he wants a baby and you don’t want to be pregnant. Ask your doctor about this and how it works. It’s more expensive, but it might be a viable option and a good compromise. I don’t know anything about it other than the option exists.

I can’t say that I love being pregnant, personally. I’m just not one of those women who naturally feels beautiful while pregnant and thinks it’s just the most wonderful thing in the world and I can’t imagine any joy greater. I truly can imagine many greater joys, and it’s not the most wonderful thing. However, I’m not terrified of birth or what’s to come, and I’m over the moon that I can give my DH the child he’s always wanted. You and your DH need to determine how and when you’re going to do this, if at all. Look at all your options and ask your doctor any questions you have.

Good luck!

3

I think keeping the news to yourself until your first scan (usually around 12 weeks unless you pay for a private early one) is absolutely fine and acceptable. There is a huge risk of miscarrying during the first trimester so saving yourself unnecessary heartache is understandable.
I agree with PP that if I suddenly got a phone call announcing a new family member I’d be hurt that I wasn’t told. Therefore, keeping it a secret till 13 or so weeks is fine, but at that point I think you need to start telling people. You for sure can keep your due date a secret. Tell anyone that asks that you are due at [name]Christmas[/name]/Mid-[name]Summer[/name]/Beginning of [name]Spring[/name] rather than giving a specific month or date.
Contractions are by far the most intense pain I have ever experienced in my life, and the pain when baby is crowning is worse. But you’l have a set goal, you’ll know that labour won’t last forever (the doctors will only let you labour for a sustained period of time, and if there is no progress, they will section you) so you’ll know yourself that your end goal is near.
I think its beautiful and I loved being pregnant. That said I had two complication free pregnancies and births so I’m probably the wrong person to ask.
Best of luck whatever you do!

4

As for the baby shower, you can throw your own shower. It’s the modern day. I wouldn’t require anyone to bring gifts, it would just be to celebrate. My family and friends live all over the states so it would be hard for anyone to throw a shower, especially since we are the only ones living in Minnesota! So I would have to throw my own since no one lives up here to throw me one. “Proper Etiquette” to me is old school and I don’t think anyone would think it is “improper” if I say you don’t need to bring gifts. Plus it would be easier because I wouldn’t have to travel and then no one else has to worry about finding a way to throw me a shower in Minnesota when they don’t live up here.

I’m afraid of the pain, but a part of me does want to do it. I just probably won’t want to do it more than once. I am more afraid of having to have a C-section because I do NOT want to be awake while my stomach is being cut open. I would prefer to be knocked out, but apparently that is not allowed/recommended. I think I would die if I was told I had to be cut open and be awake during the process. I can’t even watch House because of all the blood! Sure I won’t see anything, but I’ll know it’s happening and that would be enough to cause me to go into hysteria.

Also I do NOT have a close relationship with my mom. In my perfect world, she wouldn’t even know about the baby. I mostly want to keep it a secret from her. I do not want her bugging me while I am pregnant. But if I tell someone else, then she’ll get the news and she’ll be mad of course because she didn’t hear it from me. I am just trying to keep things fair and to keep my mother off my back. She treats me like a baby and I don’t think I will ever have her babysit my child. She is extremely short tempered and I don’t want her yelling around my baby or even at my baby. My fiance’ told me that she is “crazy” and even he has never seen anyone get as upset as she does. She scares him!

I have had a bad experience with families. I call myself the “family hater” because I try to AVOID visiting family as much as I can. I also think the baby is mine and my husband to be’s business and no one else. She or he is our baby. Why should it hurt them that I didn’t tell them? It’s not their baby. And I will tell them, just not right away. So it’s not like I am keeping it a secret forever, but just until I am comfortable to tell.

How long do they allow you to labor? My mother had to labor for 40 hours with me. That too me is a LONG time.

5

I’m not pregnant either, but I’m planning to be in the next year or two as well! <3

How long to keep it secret is very personal, and all up to you! It is very common to keep it secret for the first trimester of pregnancy, seeing as miscarriages are more common during this time. But even then I wouldn’t worry to badly about a miscarriage! And especially not after. The first timester is usually about three months… and you don’t learn the gender until five or six months. Which is a bit of a long time. I feel like family would probably be a little offended if you wait that long… as if you didn’t want them to know or something. But waiting until month four maybe could push it off a little but still tell them early on?

It could be very nice, to invite the entire family over to announce the pregnancy. Though I wouldn’t necessarily call it a shower, moreso just a party or a gathering :slight_smile: Where everyone can get together and have a good time-- plus learn the exciting news!

Personally, I don’t plan on telling anyone except my bf I’m pregnant until the end of the first trimester. My family is all very… dramatic. And opinionated. And though my mother and immediate family would all be excited and supportive, the rest of the family not so much. And my mother would be telling EVERYONE. Plus, I too worry of miscarriage. It happened to me once before, and I honestly much preferred mourning with just my boyfriend rather than the entire family getting all emotional. That’d really be too much on me </3

As all the previous ladies mentioned, you can tell the doctors you only want your DH in the room for the delivery! Its very common for woman to do this, and I feel no one should be offended if you chose to do things this way. Its how I plan on doing so myself as well! Though, I personally find pregnancy to be a very personal thing, and I want it to be an intimate thing between me and my man :slight_smile: [including doctors appointments, names, updates, etc!]. But then again, I’m not horribly close to a lot of my family members. Close, but not that close. Its understandble to just not want any family drama in the delivery room- its a special moment that deserves to go as you plan! You can choose to call people after you’ve brought him/her home, and even send a picture message or something of the newborn if you want!

I don’t know from experience, of course, but all labors and deliveries are different from person to person! And there are actually many ladies who vomit from period pains that are fine in the delivery room. I think this experience is just very much different from your period pains. I understand what you mean though, the pain really scares me too! I am a bit of a wimp when it comes to pain. However, if you talk to your doctor, there are many methods to reducing pain in the delivery room! And also, I found that it REALLY helped to talk to ladies who have already been through this and ask questions! I made a topic on this site, actually, and the ladies here are just so kind and willing to answer birth/after birth questions for you based on their experiences! I was told about birthing in different positions to lower pain: apparently on your back increases pain from pressure on wrong parts of your body, so squatting or on your hands and knee’s is less painful? Also, there are various pain medications they can give you to make the labor much less painful!! You can get epidurals, or there’s this gas I’ve heard that you can breath in and it lessens the pain [I feel kind of dumb but I can’t remember what its called!], and they have IV’s of stuff that can help as well! Sorry I am not so good with remembering names of medications. I also was just reading an article about labor contractions hurting ten times less if you don’t have to be induced. The Pitocin they give you gives you much stronger and unnatural contractions which are of course much more painful! So avoid induction if possible (; Also, if you exercise properly and stretch apparently that will reduce labor pains… and even help against stretch marks, hehe! There are lots of pregnancy exercise programs and yoga and all that can all help! All the little things added up can really help I hear!

There are many ladies who say that labor is this excruciating horrible pain – but keep in mind, there are also a majority who have perfectly fine labors! Even a lucky few who have painless labors! It all depends on YOU! Just talk to your doctor about it, they can help!

If you are really scared of having a baby, I would really talk to your DH about it though! Because he needs to respect you if you decide you’d rather not deliver a baby yourself! And adoption is a perfectly wonderful alternative! Every baby needs a good home <3 And if you do decide to go through with a pregnancy, I recommend finding a pregnancy group in your community! They have all sorts of classes and groups where you can talk to others in your situation-- and it can help ease your fears!

I hope this helps!

6

In my case, my husband and I told our family members when we were 12 weeks pregnant with our daughter and I would be hurt if one of my family members didn’t tell me that she was pregnant, of course. In my opinion, your child is your mother’s grandchild. She has the right to know about him/her.

Labour is painful, but it’s worth it! Honestly, I never want to experience that again. However, when I met my little sunshine lady for the first time after all that pain, the pain felt like nothing. Also, I just want to tell you that you should be open to both natural birth and c-section.

All the best!

7

Well I do plan to tell them, it’s not like I’m going to show up with a 5 year old and be like “oh by the way I had a baby.” I would just wait to prolong the drama of an obnoxious mom who would probably go on a shopping spree, which is why waiting to know the gender would be preferable before telling her so I don’t end up with a lot of junk that I won’t use.

Also, as I mentioned, I do not have a good relationship with my mom and if I could, she would probably never know about the baby. I will never leave my baby alone with her and probably would be even more protective when the child is older. I don’t want my child growing up around screaming and yelling (my mom has anger issues. All you have to do is say you don’t like something and she’ll explode. She spanked us as children, and it wasn’t just once or twice, it was borderline abuse. She used the metal end of a fly swatter. She threatened to throw us out of the house. Then one thing I’ll never forget though is when she shoved dad into the bathtub) I am probably one of the very few people out there who is happy just be away from home and DREADS going back because I know there will at least be one screaming incident. My fiance’ is literally scared of my mom.

I open to child birth, but I will defiantly have an epidural. There is no way I am going to suffer from the pain if I don’t have to. Again, I have VERY low pain tolerance. As for the c-section, I don’t think I will ever be open to that and that is something we plan on discussing with a doctor. I have a HUGE problem with the idea of being awake while I am being cut open. If I can be knocked out then I won’t care if I have to have a c-section.

8

I have a very low pain threshold too, but I didn’t take the epidural. [name]One[/name] of the main reasons being because I hate hospitals and I knew I’d be discharged quicker if I didn’t have one. A fear of hospitals is extremely common, so if hospitals aren’t your thing, maybe you should research other pain relief options (I liked gas + air, and I’ve heard good thinks about diamorphine) so that you won’t be stuck there if you don’t want to be.

As for the c-section, I’ve never had one but from what I’ve heard, even if you’re awake, you don’t feel pain, just tugging and pulling. A friend likened it to the feeling when given oral anaesthetic for a tooth filling. Sure, you can feel the dentist hacking away at your tooth. But it isn’t uncomfortable or painful.

Lastly, it seems you have a very poor relationship with your mother and I understand your reluctance to share your news with her. In this instance, I think you should tell her you’re pregnant whenever you feel comfortable (whether that be 10 weeks or 30 weeks) and as I said before, give a very loose due date (End of Fall, Start of [name]Summer[/name] etc) so that she won’t know exactly when you’ll be giving birth. If she happens to ask what hospital you’ll be going to, I’d probably lie and tell her the wrong one. Giving birth can be stressful enough without having unwanted family members present.

Best of luck no matter what you choose :slight_smile:

9

I can’t add anything else to the main questions you asked. You got alot of great advice here.

I wanted to add two additional things though.

  1. A miscarriage is a risk and it’s a great risk in some cases. I can understand where you don’t want people to feel sorry for you or treat you differently because of it. It is incredibly difficult to share that type of news with family. However, coming from someone who has gone through that, sometimes it’s really nice to have family and friends for support. You need them to grieve with you. I do think it’s perfectly fine to wait until the end of the first trimester though- many people do that… but waiting anther month or two until you find out the gender might be stretching it.
    We lost a daughter at 16 weeks in [name]December[/name]. It was a unique situation for many reasons. 1. 3 of my sister in laws were pregnant so I didn’t want to upset them or make them feel they need to put their joy (all expecting #1) on hold because we were losing our baby. They all handled it very well though. 2. we wanted to wait until we were 12 weeks along to tell most people because it was #5 and we had twins that were less than a year old and the few people we told we less than supportive. So we waited to tell the masses. I started having some major complications around that time though so it never felt right to tell people. As a result, some of my closest friends found out I was pregnant and miscarrying the same day. I honestly felt that was much more awkward than if they would have known I was pregnant for a few months.

  2. I think your reason for not teling your exact due date is a bit dramatic. It is perfectly acceptable to tell family and friends you do NOT want them in the delivery room. [name]Just[/name] because people know your due date doesn’t give them an invite to the delivery. I am one of those people who prefers not to use a specific date just because I know babies rarely show up on that actual day and I like to think of the range of birthdays in my head! So usually I’d say mid-[name]May[/name] or end of [name]April[/name] something like that. If I didn’t want someone at the delivery, even if it was someone very close like my mother, I’d just tell her I’m sorry but this is my choice. I’d invite her to come to the hospital waiting room or make sure she knew right away though so that she still felt included and that I valued her being there right away. I’d hope she would be respectful if I told her “no” to the actual labor room though. Parents and their adult children need to set boundaries and I know how hard those can be!

10

This is a pretty strange way to go about things in my opinion. Having a miscarriage shouldn’t be a dirt secret or something so I really don’t understand why people even bother with the ‘wait 3 months’ thing. I told my immediate family and closest friends as soon as I found out. I understand that not everyone has the same point of view as me, but keeping a pregnancy a secret is a strange idea. Are you very young? Are you in a relationship that your family doesn’t approve of? [name]Do[/name] you have some type of condition that could cause your family to worry for you if you are pregnant?

You know that you don’t have to let anyone in the delivery room that you don’t want to have there, right? You don’t need to hide that you’re in labor cause they can’t just burst into the room. [name]Do[/name] you have a very overbearing family?

I think that most people tell whoever they’re going to tell at 3 months.

I do relate to not wanting anyone to see you in labor. My sister saw me in labor, but left well before it was time to push. Did it hurt, absolutely! The result was well worth the pain and the epidural really made it better. [name]Just[/name] ask for it before you need it if you plan on getting it cause it takes them awhile to set up!

11

To answer the delivery thing, It’s not that I don’t want them in them in the room. I just don’t want them at the hospital period. I do not have a good relationship with my mom and I am not very close with my fiance’s family. We met in college and so I only see his family like twice a year. It’s not that their bad or anything, but I had a bad experience with my family and I just don’t want to deal with the drama in the hospital and I don’t want them holding my baby when I am too tired to watch. I am going to be very overprotective of my future baby probably because of what my mom has done to me. I don’t want her to turn my baby into a family hater like she did me.

My relationship is fine and everyone is happy that we are getting married.

As for the C-section thing. [name]Just[/name] reading that makes me sick. It’s not just seeing it that will make be freak out, but just knowing it and “feeling” it will creep out and cause me to hyperventilate. We plan on talking to a doctor about this since I would probably have to be knocked out for the procedure if they don’t want me to hyperventilate or scream… A C-section is our last resort though so hopefully we won’t even need one.

12

I hope you are able to get over your fear before the birth. While it may not seem like an issue now, in the future you may regret missing the birth of your baby. I know its something that would upset me, if I missed it.
Its one moment that when gone, can never be brought back. That feeling of looking at someone brand new for the first time is something that can’t be recreated.
So for your own sake I hope your natural birth goes to plan and I wish you the best of luck!

13

It seems like you have some pretty serious concerns. [name]Every[/name] woman who has ever been pregnant has had to deal with these same issues. Not necessarily to the same degree, but they are valid concerns.
I think it’s okay to hide the pregnancy for a little while. With DS 1 we told everyone in our families right away. I asked them specifically to not tell anyone that I hadn’t told personally until I was further along. Well, that was on a [name]Sunday[/name] morning, and when we all went to church, all of a sudden everyone was congratulating me… My mom told everyone. I know she was so excited, but it made me really upset. I was just 6 weeks along. With DS 2 we were in a different situation… DH and I had both lost our jobs and living at my in-laws house. My husband and I were ready for another baby and figured it would take a few months to get pregnant, by then he would have a job and we could move out again, etc. I got pregnant the very first try. He got a job just a couple of weeks after conceiving, so by the time I was able to take a pg. test he had just started his new job. It wasn’t great money and didn’t allow us to move out right away but it was okay. Because of all of this, we didn’t tell anyone I was pregnant. Seriously, no one. My [name]MIL[/name] figured it out when I was about 12 weeks because I was violently sick, but my FIL was happily oblivious. I told my sister when I was 12 weeks, and my mom at 14. My relationship with my parents is very good, so I wanted my mom at my ultrasound with me. I didn’t tell my brothers, my dad or my FIL until I was much further along. I was 5-6 months pregnant when my brothers and dad found out. They understood why we didn’t want to tell them, but I know also that it hurt their feelings. I failed to think about how supportive they might have been, and thought only of my little family and our situation. Hindsight is always 20/20, and I should have told them earlier. My FIL is a different story… I don’t know how he would have reacted, but DH’s relationship with him is not good. He didn’t want to tell him because he didn’t want him to “suck away our joy”, so to speak. My FIL is just like your mother, from the sound of it. I was 4 weeks from my due date before he found out. I was pretty small, though. We had moved into the condo we live in now at that point (Actually about 12 weeks prior to the babys birth.) He was so excited to find out he was getting another grandson when my DH finally told him. Sorry for such a lengthy explanation, but I hope it illustrates some important points to you.
As for the hospital… Ugh. No one likes hospitals, do they? I don’t. Those stupid beds are so uncomfortable. The staff can seem bossy sometimes, but they are there to help you. When I was in labor with DS1 and it wasn’t going anywhere, I was allowed to have 3 people in the L&D room with me. I had my dad, my mom, my sister, sister-in-law, FIl and [name]MIL[/name] all alternating. I was fine with it until I was in a lot of pain. It was late by then anyway, and they went home to sleep. When I was ready to push, there was one nurse, my DH and the doctor. Like a PP said, hospitals are pretty strict about who is allowed in the L&D room with you anyway. I know your mother is an overbearing, angry person, but there is a chance she won’t even want to be in the room with you anyway. If she lives far away, maybe you can call her after the baby is born, tell her your experience a little, and introduce the baby when you are feeling better. The decision is certainly yours. But most people are perfectly willing for parents of children to be the decision-makers, they don’t want to step on toes, and even if they do, it’s not usually with who gets to be in the L&D room.
On to c-sections… I have similar fears regarding a c-section. I refused to have one. My First OB with DS1 was planning on giving me a c-section without my consent. He told me it wasn’t necessary to give him a birth plan. He told me that my hips were too small to deliver a baby and I would labor for a long time, and push for hours, and then he would have to perform an emergency c-section. This was HIS birth plan for me. I switched doctors with just 7 weeks left before my due date. My next doctor was far superior. I told him I under no circumstance wanted a c-section. He was horrified at the other doctor and told me he wouldn’t perform a c-section unless it was absolutely, medically necessary. I delivered both of my boys with no trouble. I pushed 5 times for DS1 and twice for DS2. It is important to find the right doctor, CNM and/or Doula. I agree with lucykate that pregnancy is not fun all the time, or sometimes even at all. It kinda sucks. But you also know that you get to hold a little person that you and DH made, that your body created from two little tiny cells. And when you do hold that little baby, the pain you experienced will be wiped from your memory.
Best of luck to you and your Fiancee! I know that you will be able to make the best of your situation with your family and friends being so far away. Having a baby is such a wonderful, exciting time. It is also a time of a lot of fear. [name]Don[/name]'t let the fear hold you back in any way, whether it’s with your mom, your fiancee, friends or yourself.

14

@ariannew - Thanks :slight_smile:

@Everyone
I know I will probably hurt feelings, but I don’t think it would make feel bad because it would be my choice and it’s what I am comfortable with. The only person who really needs to know is my fiance’ since it is our baby. That’s just how I feel. I also have a strong desire to have a girl and if I had a boy, I think I would be heartbroken. So that’s kind of another reason to wait for the gender before telling since everyone will probably be excited while I’m super disappointed. I think it’s kind of a physiological thing that I desire to have a girl so much that I also fear I might not love a boy even if I gave birth to it. My fiance’, who isn’t a therapist, thinks it could be my desire to have a best friend that makes me so desperate to have a girl (which was another reason I kind of fear getting pregnant because there is no way to guarantee a girl). I am not very good at making friends and the only true friend I have is him, which is amazing, but at the same time it stinks since I have no one to do girly things with… Personally, I think it’s just because I had a bad experience with guys. My friends always dated losers/jerks and so I was always surrounded by guys that I hated. I also want a girl so I can talk to her about “boys” and give her “the talk” and all that when she’s older. I can’t do that with a boy, that would be awkward… so there’s another fear of mine to throw out there!

15

Now, I know this is cliche, but perhaps it would behoove you to sit down with a professional and talk about your concerns, especially about the love the girl baby/hate the boy baby issue. That’s a BIG deal. If you’re not prepared to love whatever sex your child turns out to be, perhaps consider waiting and working through some of your concerns with the help of your fiance and/or a professional. While everything you say is certainly valid, there are a lot of red flags in the things you’re saying that signal there may be more work to be done with you and your fiance before you’re ready to seriously consider a baby. You want your child to be loved, that’s obvious, and that’s a great starting point to getting to a much happier, confident state to be in before considering having a child (or adopting, or whatever.)

Whatever way you choose, good luck to you and your fiance. You guys sound like you’re trying to stay on a good path. I very much hope things work out happily in the end for you and your family.

16

The only problem is my fiance’ doesn’t think I need to see a therapist/psychiatrist. I also am kind of skeptical of them myself, but I am willing to try new things… the main concern would be that they are pricey and is it worth it? It took me forever to go from I am NEVER having children, mainly because I was afraid I’d turn into my mom, to I want at at least 1 child. Now I really want a child but I really want a girl and I get excited thinking about it because in one more year we can afford a house and then we can have a baby! I know there’s all that weird stuff you can do to make the odds of having a girl more likely, but those don’t work out sometimes. I think I could suck it up if it was a boy, but I am honestly going to be disappointed, just like my aunt was because after 4 tries, she had all girls. Everyone knew she wanted a boy and that brought on disappointment to some of the family around her. I don’t want that for me. I’d rather be disappointed by myself.

17

I really hope you do seek help as it sounds like you are not emotionally ready to become a parent yet. A baby isnt a replacement for a ‘friend’ in your life, it is a lifelong commitment not to be taken lightly. Why don’t you take up a hobby to meet some nice girls your age that you can "do girly stuff with’ and talk about boys with? I am concerned at the thought of you being very disappointed if the baby ends up being a boy, what if it is enough to give you post natal depression, would you have family support to help you care for the baby besides your husband?

18

I’ve actually seen a therapist before, occasionally it is nice to have someone to talk to that is third party and all. Many of them are not very expensive, and the more expensive ones can be covered by insurance if you have health insurance. And I think the decision of whether to see one of not is completely up to you. Because the session will only be what you make of it. If you don’t tell them exactly whats up or only give partial truths they wont help <3 And I think your fiance should respect if you feel you need a third party person to talk to!

Anyways, I think the decision is completely up to you on whether to tell anyone or not. I can honestly say I’ve considered not telling family until after the baby is born and things are going well. However, unless my financial situation spontaneously spikes and all, I’ll probably end up needing a little help. So seeing as I personally am going to desire a little bit of help, my plan will be to announce the pregnancy at the end of the first trimester. But, thats all just a personal decision. Not telling until after finding the gender isn’t a horrible thing, and it keeps family from negatively influencing your emotions <3

It all depends on if YOU care if family members are offended or not! <3 I understand what you mean about not being close to parents, because me and my parents have a really bad relationship, and we have since I was 11. And none of my siblings are close to me. And when I have a child, I will NOT leave the baby alone with them <3 I don’t trust them very much either <3 Though I would with my BF’s grandparents. I am close to them. But my immediate family… eh.

I am similar in hoping for a specific gender. I really badly want a little boy <3 except I would be happy with a girl. Going through the disappointment yourself [and with your fiance] would probably be best, though. Because not everyone understands the disappointment and most people believe you should be happy with what you’ve got. Which I do agree with, but I do understand disappointment and all <3 I think that would be a good reason to talk to a therapist, if you ended up having a boy <3 Because though family wont understand, a therapist will. I know its of little help, but I was reading articles online about different methods to increase chances of having a particular gender. I know its only 50/50 that it will work, but I plan on trying them out anyways with my BF when we plan to have a baby so we can at least try for a boy. <3

I hope this helps <3

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If you don’t think you’d be able to accept a baby boy into your family, I don’t think you should TTC. Gender is 50/50 either way, there’s no way of telling what you’ll have and I’d hate for you to resent a baby boy because he’s not a girl, which is likely to happen.
I understand gender disappointment more than a lot of people. For one, I accept its a real condition. I wished for my youngest DD to be a boy but it wasn’t to be, I got over it, and now I wouldn’t swap her for anything and very much love her as I do my other DD.
Your feelings on gender, coupled with your fear of giving birth, your wanting to keep your due date secret and everything else you’ve mentioned lead me to think you should probably wait a while before getting pregnant. Especially the gender part. I agree with the others that perhaps seeing a therapist would be a good idea!

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@babyoneday
The first part is my fiance’s analysis. While there might be some truth to it, I don’t think I want a girl so I have a friend. I would still treat her like a daughter.

As for taking care of the baby. No. I don’t trust anyone enough, besides my fiance’ to watch her. It would mainly be me, which is also why a girl is preferred because I know girls since I am one, so I’d be able to do more things with her. With a boy it would be all about sports cars and trains and stuff I am not interested in.

@Caracakes
It’s nice to know someone else who isn’t close to their family. I feel like I’m the only one on this site! I’m not a very trusting person so for the most part if the baby is going anywhere, I will be going with it… I trust my fiance’ but he won’t really be alone with the baby too often since he works. I’m planning on being a stay at home mom. We’re kind of lucky since we don’t really need financial aid.

We are also planning on “trying” for a girl. We’re going to use the “Natural Family Planning Chart” to pinpoint good times to have a higher chance of getting a girl. It has a pretty high success rate, but it still doesn’t guarantee the gender. We’re hoping since my fiance’ was the only boy in his family and youngest (he has 3 older sisters) that we will most likely have a girl, but I don’t think genetics really play a part in the process. Also, more girls are born than boys, so that increases our chances.

As for the therapist thing, he just said he didn’t think I needed one, it’s not like he said I couldn’t go, I’m just skeptical myself and I don’t know if I’d be able to tell some stranger face to face everything about me. I think the main problem is when I try talking to my fiance’ about these things, he doesn’t seem to really “listen.” I get he cares, but he doesn’t seem to ever want to talk about it. He just says he wants to have a baby and he thinks we’ll love it no matter what. Maybe if I make him talk about it then all my fears might go away…

@lucykate
I get keeping it a secret will hurt people, but I am fine with it. Sometimes in order to make yourself happy and comfortable you got to make selfish decisions. I don’t plan on having a baby until next year or the year after. We are going to buy a house next year since we’ll finally have enough saved up, plus extra for emergencies. We could probably afford one in a couple of months, but we want to have back up funds for emergencies, so we’re going to wait another year. Then we could probably afford a better house. Once we get the house, the plan is to start a family.

@Everyone
I just wanted to see if anyone else was planning to do what I do to see if I wasn’t the only one and maybe get opinions, although I think I am dead set on not telling my family until I know the gender, but it might change depending on what happens. I know my fiance’ really wants to tell his family, but there are just some things where I am going to put my foot down and refuse. I just don’t want to risk his family knowing and then my family finding out and it’s a total family feud.

The gender is an issue for me, but I don’t think it’s going to stop me from having a baby. It just might take me awhile to accept the fact it’s a boy if it is a boy. Hopefully we’ll have a girl and there will be no worry.The fear of giving birth, I think everyone has, and mine is probably the same, if not a little more. It’s just for extreme with the C-Section, but we plan to talk to a doctor about how handle that if we absolutely need one. I know once you go through the pain, you forget it, so that helps. If it hurts more than I fear, I don’t think I will give birth again though.