Hello!
I gave birth to a beautiful baby girl at Christmastime. Everything is wonderful, except the fact that I strongly dislike her middle name. The problem, however, is that my SO wanted to use his deceased mother’s name to honor her (she died when he was a toddler). When we found out it was a girl, he told everyone that her middle name would be “[name_f]Denise[/name_f]” after her. I didn’t want to hurt his feelings or sound cold-hearted, so I kept the fact that I disliked the name to myself and that it sounded odd with the first name we chose. As my pregnancy progressed, I started telling him I wasn’t sure about the name and while I understand he wants to honor his mom, maybe there was a way we could honor her but still have a MN we agree on. He basically freaked out, and I was afraid to bring it up again.
Now, I’m stuck with this MN that I totally dislike. I feel very selfish in a way for letting this bother me so much, but in a way, I am becoming resentful that I didn’t have a choice in her MN.
Any advice or thoughts are appreciated!
Thanks in advance!
That’s rough. You might be able to add second middle to change the flow of the name but I can’t see changing your daughter’s name to remove “[name_f]Denise[/name_f]” now. Your SO would be upset and your daughter would someday know about this edit, at very least it’s the sort of thing that gets dragged up in any social security paperwork, so I can see the hurt feelings coming up again in the future. At least in adding another middle you can say that her dad loved her so much he gave her a very meaningful name and you loved her so much you perfected the flow…
Have you thought about adding a second middle name? It sounds like the MN is very important to your husband, and that being the case I don’t think it’s fair to him to dismiss it outright. However, adding a second middle to the name that’s your choice would be a great compromise.
Alternatively, how about a name that’s sort of like [name_f]Denise[/name_f]? Your husband might not go for this (my DH doesn’t understand honoring a family member with a name that’s similar, anyway!), but it’s worth a shot.
[name_f]Danica[/name_f]
[name_f]Anais[/name_f]
[name_f]Enna[/name_f]
[name_f]Denisha[/name_f]
OR what about a similar meaning to [name_f]Denise[/name_f]? [name_f]Denise[/name_f] is derived from [name_m]Dennis[/name_m], which is derived from [name_m]Dionysus[/name_m] from Greek Mythology. So, what about a mythological name? There are plenty to choose from, though they might not be your style:
[name_f]Delphine[/name_f]
[name_u]Demeter[/name_u]
[name_f]Aphrodite[/name_f]
[name_f]Athena[/name_f]
[name_u]Artemis[/name_u]
[name_f]Hera[/name_f]
And plenty more. 
Hmm. I think this is one of those situations that cannot be changed. She is his daughter too… so just be glad it’s in the middle!
As others have mentioned, I would leave [name_f]Denise[/name_f] as her middle name, changing it would cause unnecessary tension imo, he wasn’t open to a different middle before she was born so I highly doubt he’d be open to changing it now that it is her middle name, but adding a second middle name could give the entire name a better flow and give you a middle name that you loved, so I’d see if he’s open to adding a second middle that you pick out.
As a [name_f]Denise[/name_f], I have to speak up for the name. It’s actually made a kinda cool resurgence of recent among TV shows casting young blonde actresses if that helps change perspective any…
But it’s not about me…
Honestly if it were chosen for any other reason, I’d say discuss it and change it. But you might have to try and find peace with it - if it’s so important to your SO and it’s honouring his deceased mother, i think it’s best to really try and find the positives in it.
Is there a chance of having another baby whose MN you get all the say in? Did you choose the FN - so at least part of her name you love? Can you NN the MN - so she becomes [name_f]Eliza[/name_f] [name_f]Dee[/name_f] (or whatever the FN is) unofficially? Or is there someone you can talk to, to try and find a way past it?
He is father too, so he has right to express his opinions and wishes on her name. But I do think it’s selfish of him not to listen you, since she is your daughter, too.
This is no win situation. Maybe second middle will help, but you won’t like [name_f]Denise[/name_f] more if you add another middle.
I agree that adding a second mn is the only option at this point. Your husband has deep sentimental reasons for wanting that name and you agreed to it. It seems unfair to come back on that now and try to change it. I’m sorry. But I’m sure that as your daughter grows so will your love for the name because it’s associated with her.
That is rough, though at least it’s just her middle name and not her first name. Most of the time people don’t even think about their middle names, so in time I think the name regret will wear off for you, and if you get pregnant again some day – you’ll get to have a say with the next name.
I think most of what is going on is that you feel resentful that you never got a say in your daughter’s middle name, that your SO just claimed the middle spot and wouldn’t budge… So maybe having a talk with him, and letting him now that him claiming the middle name spot was taking your say out of the equation. The conversation is a bit late now, but it will get your feelings out – and maybe you won’t feel so resentful for the middle name after the conversation.
[name_m]How[/name_m] often will her middle name be used anyway? [name_f]Denise[/name_f] is a lovely name, nothing unusual or too common about it. It’s sweet sounding. Leave it as it is, and respect the decision and commitment you made to your husband about this.
I hope this doesn’t come off as harsh, but I think that people have to understand that while obsessing about names can be a real intense hobby, giving a name to a real person is a serious thing, and isn’t to be played around with. Especially if there are significant sentimental reasons for choosing a particular name. Once you give a name to a child, assume that’s what it will stay, give or take a nickname or two. A name isn’t like a pair of shoes that you can change when you decide it doesn’t match your outfit or that you don’t like heels anymore. Sure, take careful consideration before committing to a name to begin with, but once it’s there, I don’t think it’s appropriate to mess with it unless there are incredibly unique, trying circumstances.
I also think you should just leave it alone. I think it is so wonderful that the name means that much to your DH, and it is only in the middle spot, it will hardly get used. The only time she will use it as she gets older is when friends ask her her middle name and she can say proudly, [name_f]Denise[/name_f] after my grandmother I didn’t get the chance to meet. [name_f]IMO[/name_f] that is more important, since it isn’t a first name.
It’s just a middle name. I love that he wanted to honor is mother that way. I think this is one where you take one for the team.
It would be much more trouble to bring it up to her father now and change the name. Unfortunately, speaking up before she was born would have been best. You would look like the bad guy now, possibly even by adding a second middle name (which he might feel will devalue her current middle). As others have said, lucky it is in the middle and won’t be used much. [name_f]My[/name_f] daughter is five and her middle name is rarely brought up in conversation. It is mostly something that goes on forms.
At this point, getting rid of [name_f]Denise[/name_f] would be taking something from your SO that he seems to really, really care about. This is a time when you have to make a compromise out of love. In terms of regrets, giving your daughter a likely seldom-used middle name because it was her father’s mother’s name, who died when he was young… that’s a small regret I think you’ll be able to live with. [name_f]My[/name_f] suggestion is that you learn to love [name_f]Denise[/name_f] - if not the name itself, then the fact that it’s a connection in your daughter’s name to a woman who would have LOVED to meet your daughter. And if not that, love that you sacrificed your personal taste because it was so important to your SO.
Fortunately, middle names are PERFECT for such compromises.They’re the right place to use a name that means a lot to one of the parents, but that for whatever reason they’d never agree to use as a first - plus, they seldom get used unless you want to. I don’t even know the middle names of my coworkers, and I only know the middles of my friends because I’m into names and ask. I couldn’t even tell you the middles of most of my cousins, for instance!
[name_f]My[/name_f] advice would be to leave it. I would choose to focus on her first name…90% of people will never even know her middle name!
I imagine this is hard though and I am sorry you do not have a first AND middle you are crazy about. I think you did the right thing. To take it now would be too hurtful and not worth it, in my opinion.
I like the idea of just called her ___ [name_f]Dee[/name_f]. That’s spunky and cute!
I think the ship has sailed you are going to have to deal. And if you picked the FN and he picked the MN you guys both got to name her. A MN is not that important anyway she isn;t going by it every day. If you love her FN I would just let it go and make your SO happy.
I would have to agree with all the previous posters who have said it is too late to do anything now. I think a lot of the time, people get so caught up in creating their own perfect name combinations (and wouldn’t life just be grand if we could always get what we want?) that they forget that naming a human child is not just about them. Clearly, the name [name_f]Denise[/name_f] holds incredible meaning for your husband, and it wouldn’t be fair to take it away from him, especially now that your daughter is already born. Compromise is part of life, especially when it comes to naming a baby with your SO! I have personally had to give up many names I love because my husband doesn’t like them. It’s life.
Like the others say, at least it’s just the middle name, and not the first. She will hardly use it in day to day life.
I agree with this. Some things are more important than flow, like honoring the mother you lost when you were a child.
I am not in love with my son’s middle name, but I actually couldn’t care less what his middle name is. He’s just him and he’s the best!
Thank you to all who posted. I feel a lot better having been sble to vent and get others’ feedback. I think I was mostly upset because I felt like I didn’t have a choice in her MN and my SO refused to discuss it w/o getting upset.
I also agree with everyone else.
Also, be thankful he didn’t insist it was her first name and wouldn’t discuss it.
I love the idea of calling her FN “[name_f]Dee[/name_f]”- it would be like your special nickname for her.
[name_m]Just[/name_m] be aware that if you show her you dislike her name she may feel bad about herself. Better to be proud that you could honour her grandmother- at least it wasn’t a revolting name!