Miscarriage/StillBirth/Pregnancy Loss Support

[name_m]Just[/name_m] thought I would make a thread for the Mamas that have experienced a loss. I know there’s a few of us going through it right now and others that have been through it before.
It helps to know that you aren’t alone and sharing your story and reading the stories of others is something I find genuinely helpful.

Any loss is valid, whether you had an early loss/chemical pregnancy that ended days after finding out, or if you spent weeks/months bonding with a baby you will never get to know or meet. Additionally, if you made the difficult choice to have an abortion and are grieving that loss, you are welcome.
There is no easy time to say goodbye to a baby.

I’ll start for anyone that doesn’t know much of my journey yet.
We started TTC back in [name_f]September[/name_f] of 2017, and had no luck until [name_f]February[/name_f] when we found ourselves expecting. However, that pregnancy was plagued by spotting and cramping from the beginning, my hcg was incredibly low at 4 weeks, and although I had hope, the pregnancy miscarried at exactly 6 weeks. I miscarried naturally, and it was over quickly luckily.
I had intended on waiting for my next full cycle to try again, but ended up seeing several faint, but positive tests two days before my next period. Somewhat miraculous timing as we had only had sex once about 5 days before ovulation that month. That pregnancy ended only a few short days later when my period showed up on time.
We immediately resumed trying, only to find out were were expecting again that very next cycle. 3 pregnancies in 3 months. I approached this pregnancy with hopeful optimism and made the most out of every moment and milestone. We had an ultrasound in the seventh week, which showed a growing baby with a strong heartbeat. This often means only good things, and our chances of miscarrying plummeted with that little heartbeat and healthy baby. We shared the news with many close to us, and I let my employers know at 10 weeks, everything was going well. My morning sickness was only getting worse and all the appropriate symptoms were there, I eagerly awaited my next view of baby at the ultrasound planned for 12 weeks 4 days. At the beginning of the 12th week I started getting a bad feeling that something was wrong, I tried to write it off as paranoia and anxiety. But at the ultrasound it was found that my baby no longer had a heart beat, baby was 12 weeks grown and had passed on only days before. Due to the bad feeling I was having, it wasn’t a great shock but it was incredibly devastating. The odds of a miscarriage at 12 weeks after the presence of a heartbeat, are very low… it was a blow, a hard one to take as our third loss when everything was going so well and it seemed alright to share the news and be hopeful and plan… now it’s a process of untelling people and reimagining the next year of our lives. I am not sure when we will try again.
I just got off the phone with the early loss clinic, I will be having a D&C on [name_f]Wednesday[/name_f] as it’s the recommended course of action for a pregnancy at this point and my preferred choice, I have no desire to miscarry at home. My baby looked like a baby at the final ultrasound, all curled up and small… I don’t want to experience passing it at home. The clinic and my midwife were both wonderfully supportive and said nothing but kind words and were very reassuring. The loss clinic said it must have been a shock due to the healthiness of the pregnancy up until that point…
I am not sure when or how to move on from this loss and it’s incredibly hard to think about at this point.

Kibby, I can’t even imagine how hard this most recent loss must have been, given how healthy everything looked for so long. I also just want to say that, when it comes to moving forward/trying again, don’t rush. You need time to heal and to mourn. I do hope that, whenever you do feel comfortable trying again, that you guys are blessed with a super healthy little one!

I wasn’t going to post on this, other than that comment to you, because I still struggle with understanding our situations…but you made this pretty inclusive, so I feel comfortable expanding my post.

I think a good number of Berries who frequent the MomBerries section remember a fair bit of our journey. We started TTC in [name_f]February[/name_f] of 2016. I wasn’t on birth control at any point, so we figured that we’d start trying immediately and that we’d quickly get pregnant. It didn’t go that way. Months, then a year, passed with nothing. Then, in [name_u]July[/name_u] of 2017, I took a pregnancy test. It was very, very faintly positive. I had to squint, but I swore that I could see the line. I waited a day or so and tested again. This time, the line was still faint, but definitely stronger. I decided to test again in a couple of days, to see if I could get a stronger positive. Instead, the test was negative. I went to the doctor and the pregnancy test there was negative, too. Around the next day, I started bleeding very heavy…worse than my normal periods. It was at that time that I learned what a chemical pregnancy was, even though it took a long time for me to really mourn and process it. It seriously didn’t hit me until early this year.

Fast forward to spring of this year. I had a medicated cycle, we had sex at the appropriate times, and I was really confident. I had strong nausea, dizziness, and a few other symptoms. When I tested, I got what appeared to be an extremely faint line. It was very quickly after that that I got several clearly negative tests and started bleeding. This one hit me much more quickly than the last time. This one, though, I have a harder time admitting what happened.

Chemical pregnancies are so, so confusing. Since I had such faint lines on the pregnancy tests and since I never got to hear a heartbeat or anything, it is almost as though they didn’t really happen. I told my mom the first time and she didn’t believe me, which doesn’t help things. My husband doesn’t really understand, either, so I really feel like there is no support. It sucks.

I’m so sorry for what both of you dear ladies has had to experience. It just breaks my heart. I think you are incredible and powerful for continuing to stride on in your ttc journey despite these trials and heartache. I really want to commend your openness and willingness to share and support each other in such times - that’s bold step, but a needed one, I think. I hope it helps your healing process. Sending you so much love, and many hugs. Your honesty and genuine spirits inspire me. Xx

@mummacat - Thank you so much for your love and thoughts. It’s so important to find a community that will support and understand you during the ups and downs of the TTC journey, it comes easily to many women, and those stories are frustrating to hear when you struggle because you feel so alone and isolated, nobody likes talking about their failures.

@[name_f]Alyssa[/name_f] - I am so so glad you responded. I know you had struggled with your previous chemical pregnancy and then you hadn’t said much about those faint positives we were sure you received a few cycles ago, I had worried and wondered if you were grieving for that alone. The thing is, a positive is a positive and it’s a glimmer of hope it an otherwise discouraging journey. Chemical pregnancy or early miscarriage, regardless of what you want to label it can be a very real loss but it’s one that’s hard to explain to others as there’s no proof that it ever happened other than you knowing that for a brief moment you were pregnant before the possibility was snatched away. I will be honest, I didn’t even tell my fiancé about our second loss, that brief chemical pregnancy, because he is a very factual and logical person, I know he wouldn’t see it in the way that would be helpful to my healing process. In fact, only after this most recent loss is he beginning to understand that our first loss at 6 weeks is something that should be taken into account and considered. He had no idea that even a loss that early can be counted as a miscarriage towards my medical history. 5 months after the fact he is realizing that we are at least two miscarriages into the process and he’s doing research now in order to understand which makes my heart happy. [name_u]Early[/name_u] losses aren’t something that are easily shared or understood. There’s so much shame and secrecy regarding a woman’s ability or inability to get pregnant and carry a child, but there’s no reason that any of us needs to grieve alone.

Thank you for this thread, I appreciate more than I can say the opportunity to share in a supportive place.

I got married on [name_m]New[/name_m] Year’s [name_f]Eve[/name_f] 2016. Around [name_f]October[/name_f] 2016, my now husband and I decided it would be good to start trying. My cycle, which had always been regular, went haywire for the couple months before our wedding. I probably shouldn’t have been surprised with the extra stress, but being 35 and prone to anxiety, I worried. Thankfully, I didn’t have to worry long.

We found out on [name_u]Valentine[/name_u]'s [name_u]Day[/name_u] 2017 we were expecting at pretty much exactly 4 weeks. I have a wonderful OB who got me in right away for confirmation blood work and an early transvaginal ultrasound, based on my age and that it was my first pregnancy. A couple weeks later around 7 weeks, I had some spotting and another early ultrasound. [name_u]Baby[/name_u]'s heart was already flickering away, it was incredible to see. We went in about a month later, at 12 weeks, and had some bloodwork for non-invasive prenatal testing, and another ultrasound where baby measured perfect and had a strong heartbeat. Two more weeks and we got a call that let us know we were having a girl. Not only a girl, but she was at little to no risk of the major trisomy disorders, like down syndrome. Our celebration and relief was, sadly, short-lived.

I ended up a few days after that call going to the ER due to swelling and pain in my leg. I knew I was at a higher risk for bloodclots, so I didn’t want to take a chance. That was a [name_f]Monday[/name_f] morning after I worked an overnight shift. My leg ended up being fine, but my blood pressure was elevated while in the ER, so they told me to follow up with my OB.

I went to my OB on Friday [name_f]April[/name_f] 28th alone, expecting a quick check on my blood pressure. It was still elevated, and while my OB was putting in orders for some more tests, the nurse practitioner decided to check on our baby girl with the doppler. Several tries, and I was sent to ultrasound. There was no heartbeat, although she was measuring in correctly at 14 weeks. She passed sometime in the few days between my ER visit and my OB appointment. No bleeding or cramping.

Finding out how rare miscarriages are after first trimester with a confirmed heartbeat, I felt so lost and alone for so long. Slowly, I began finding stories of other miscarriages and have devoured any information I can find on high risk pregnancy. I finally started to feel I wasn’t alone. Through this process, I also found out I have a bicuspid aortic valve, which can make the extra blood volume of pregnancy a concern. Finally, this past [name_f]February[/name_f] my cardiologist said definitively that the narrowing of my valve is mild enough at this point to proceed with a pregnancy, which was really good considering we hadn’t been being extra careful in preventing for a couple months at that point.

The (hopefully) happy ending to this is that on [name_f]May[/name_f] 15th, we found out we were expecting our rainbow. Though I can’t say I have been able to enjoy being pregnant over the past 5 weeks due to our history, I hang on to hope with my husband’s help. We have only told one dear friend who lives half-way across the country, so we have been a bit alone in our worry. We did recieve an early ultrasound at exactly 5 weeks to check for the possibility of twins due to slightly high hcg levels on my confirmation bloodwork, but it was too early to see anything but the gestational sack. I did, just today, after several hours of spotting, get a 9 week ultrasound. I finally got some of my breath back when our little one measured perfect and had a strong heartbeat. The journey is far from over, but I have some comfort in that I only have a week until a consult with maternal fetal medicine where we will get to see baby again.

Thanks for listening, berries!

I am so sorry that anyone has to be on this journey. I have had two chemical pregnancies (one before my son and one after) and @[name_f]Alyssa[/name_f] you couldn’t be more right about how confusing they are. You see the positive test but you don’t feel any symptoms, never hear a heartbeat, never make an announcement… you start to wonder if it really happened, if it really “counts”. It’s difficult. It was so hard for me to be fully invested in my current pregnancy because of the anxiety of something going wrong again.

I hope someday there will be more understanding and compassion to mothers who miscarry early (as in, before the 2nd trimester) instead of platitudes like “it wasn’t genetically compatible” (logically I’m aware of this!) or “it’s God’s plan” (even as someone who believes this one just made me so angry).

My heart breaks for anyone who has had to endure the loss of a child whether it was 5 weeks or 40 (and beyond).

I’m so glad this thread now exists because today marks 4 years since we lost a baby at 14 weeks. We had done several tests, listened to her very healthy heartbeat several times and had even been able to determine through a blood test and later an anatomy scan that she was a girl. Two days after that scan her little heart suddenly stopped beating and we lost her. We only noticed at my routine exam four days later because the doppler wasn’t able to locate her heartbeat. They had me go for an emergency ultrasound and they confirmed she had died. She very much looked like and was a tiny baby and so like you, @kibby, I decided to “give birth” to her at the hospital. I was just too distraught to have to go through anything at home, especially with [name_m]Peter[/name_m] and [name_f]Sabina[/name_f] there. We named our baby [name_f]Beatrice[/name_f] [name_u]June[/name_u] ([name_u]June[/name_u] because of the month we lost her and [name_f]Beatrice[/name_f] because it’s what we had been planning to name her anyway). Naming her helped at the time and it took me an entire year to get over that loss in a way to begin trying for a baby again.

We got our BFP with [name_f]Dorothy[/name_f] towards the end of [name_u]August[/name_u] 2015, just after two cycles of actively trying and in the beginning it was hard for me to believe that I was pregnant and that a baby was growing healthily inside of me. During the first 7 months of the pregnancy, I had this terrible fear that I would lose her, I even had a few panic attacks throughout and had to undergo therapy once a week all over again. My poor husband was also scared I might develop postpartum depression and all that but towards [name_f]February[/name_f] my confidence that everything would work out and that my baby would live grew and it was then that I managed to finally start decorating the nursery part of our bedroom and pouring over names. And then, I think in [name_u]March[/name_u], my husband and I couldn’t agree on any names and I joined Nameberry.

My pregnancy with [name_m]Bruno[/name_m] was completely different than the one with [name_f]Dorothy[/name_f]. I think the fact that hers ended perfectly and she turned out beautiful and completely healthy did my confidence wonders. Being pregnant with [name_m]Bruno[/name_m] was a piece of cake in comparison and even now, he is the calmest and sweetest of all my babies. He didn’t take long to sleep through the night, took to the pacifier like a champ, barely cried and even in the colics and teething phases he was brilliant. And now the little rascal is crawling about and beginning to stand and soon he’ll be running around and driving me mad. :slight_smile:

But despite everything, [name_f]Dorothy[/name_f] and [name_m]Bruno[/name_m] or any other baby will never replace [name_f]Beatrice[/name_f] [name_u]June[/name_u] in my heart. She’s my child in heaven and in my heart, I have 5 children, not 4. I miss her every day and always wonder what she would look like, if she would love mashed potatoes like her sisters or hate lettuce. What her favorite color would be, if she would like glitter and sparkles like [name_f]Sabina[/name_f] or be shy like her brother [name_m]Peter[/name_m]. She would be 3 years old and about to start preschool in [name_f]September[/name_f] now… It breaks my heart that I’ll never be able to see her grow like I do her siblings.

It warms my heart that so many of you find this thread to be helpful. It’s so tough to go through these things alone, especially as very few of us are open about our struggles and the pain involved.

I have been laying low lately, officially no longer pregnant, I had my D&C on [name_f]Wednesday[/name_f] and now just picking up the pieces and figuring out where to go from here.

For those of you that keep trying and had successful pregnancies, or even more losses, how did you manage to get up the courage to keep trying? I am hoping I can try again in [name_u]August[/name_u] depending on test results and everything else… but I am terrified to lose a 4th pregnancy this year, and part of me feels that if it happens again, I won’t want to risk another and give up on naturally carrying a child. I am running through options in my head of what happens next in our lives if that’s the case. Right now my heart hurts just thinking about it.

I had a slightly differnet scenario. I use to be quite active on the board a few years back and then I kind of dropped off about a year and a half ago when my husband and I were in a rough spot.
I found out I was pregnant while I was travelling for work. Completely unplanned. I called my husband and told him because I wasn’t going to be home for two more weeks and couldn’t stay quiet the whole time.
His first response was “Let’s keep our options open”. I cried. Hard.
We’re better after much counseling with our own relationship, but our finanical situation has done a 180 from where we had been two years ago when my husband was enlisted.
When I got home he told me he in no way shape or form wanted to be a father right now and wasn’t sure if he ever wanted to be a father. That was news to me, he spent six years talking about how badly he wanted a child. Ideal timing or not. After another week of arguing, budgeting, and stress I had a D&E at 7 weeks.
I was heartbroken. I knew that for my situation, I made the right call. My marriage would not survive a child with how strongly my husband no longer wants to be a father, we are struggling financially and even with both of us working two jobs there’s still a lot of month at the end of the money. My parents are not supportive of me having a child anyway due to my depression and anxiety.
My husband doesn’t understand why I was so upset or why it’s taken me six weeks to be able to have a conversation with him about it. To him, it wasn’t anything worth being upset over. I’m conflicted and confused on how to mourn a child that I chose not to carry. I never heard a heartbeat or saw an ultrasound but I had all these dreams of holding my child in my arm that will no longer happen.
I hold no ill will towards my husband over it. It was a decision that as heart breaking as it is, was the best decision I could make. I don’t regret doing it. I just wish the circumstances had been more favorable to carrying this child.
If we ever have a child is a seperate discussion, although he’s said he doesn’t care what the circumstances are, he will never ask me to go through it again after seeing how much emotional pain it’s caused.

@thefuturemrsb - [name_f]Welcome[/name_f] back to the boards. Mourning a pregnancy that you elected to terminate is a difficult thing to do. It is incredibly lonely because the topic of abortion is even more taboo than the topic of miscarriage. I know this from experience, I had my first pregnancy when we weren’t ready for it, about 8 years ago. I wanted that baby, I wanted it desperately and at one point I had told him we were keeping it, only to realize that it really wasn’t something that made sense for our lives and our plans. I said goodbye to that pregnancy in a few days of tears and had my abortion at 7w6d. [name_m]Even[/name_m] all this time later I think about that time and wonder how things would be different. I know we made the right choice, we wouldn’t have had the money to go to school or buy our house or do any of the things we have done. I don’t regret my choice, not for a second, but I do think of it often. I got a tattoo on my wrist a couple years later, one that’s a reminder of my choice and that brief time where everything could have been different. We don’t talk about that pregnancy, to be honest, he barely remembers that it happened, it got brought up a bit more over the last week with my current experience with a D&C and how vastly different it was this time…
I don’t have much advice for you but just to let you know you aren’t alone. It’s difficult no matter what anyone says or thinks, whether it’s a choice or not. Try to let yourself grieve, try to talk to your husband, really try to talk about your future as a couple and as a family and make sure you are in the same place so you don’t find yourself in the same situation again. Once is hard enough.

Hello everybody, I would also like to tell you about my miscarriages as reading your stories made me see that I am not the only one and that there is hope.

I was only getting into using the TTC board, here on nameberry, in [name_u]January[/name_u] as a few weeks later I got a BFP. As I was traveling a lot I was not able to announce my good news and by the time I could have, I had a miscarriage at 5 weeks 5 days. I needed a break from forums and by the time I felt ready to join again I felt that too much time had passed and decided to just stalk the TTC forum but not be active on it. To my delight I did not have to wait too long before I got another BFP (2 cycles after the 1st miscarriage). I was over the moon but of course very worried that I could miscarry again so I went to a doctor at 5 weeks 3 days, thinking she would carry out blood test. To my horror the doctor told me I was barely pregnant and that I was wasting her time, if I should still be pregnant 2 months later to come back then. I left in tears, I did not expect this at all and sadly I lost that pregnancy at 6 weeks 2 days. Both miscarriages happend naturally and took about a week.

I cant wait to get another BFP with hopefully a sticky baby. I desperately would love a child of my own but at the same time I am also pretty scared now as it was emotionally very hard to go through. I honestly don’t know if I could get over another miscarriage without falling apart. I know some of you ladies have been through much more, how do you get through it? [name_m]How[/name_m] do you pick yourself up afterwards?

I was blessed to have two healthy pregnancies; however, my third ended up being an ectopic and my fourth was a missed miscarriage.

With my third pregnancy, I had a bad feeling from the beginning. I just felt like I wouldn’t be fortunate to have three healthy pregnancies. I was paranoid from the start. I wasn’t experiencing morning sickness or anything. One day, I had terrible cramping and pain. I thought it was pressure due to constipation because I couldn’t go; however, I was in so much pain, I was doubled over and couldn’t move. I remember finally moving to the tub to see if a hot bath would help alleviate the pain. It helped a little. We called the doctor and they said it was normal. It didn’t feel normal. I went to the ER the next day. I had to schedule an ultrasound for the following day. I wasn’t given the results but, they were sent to my doctor (who never received them). The cramping never really stopped and I had mild bleeding. My doctor monitored my HCG and it kept rising but not doubling. I ended up having intense pain again and this time chose to go to another hospital. Again, they found nothing. My doctor finally scheduled an appointment (they don’t see patients until 10 weeks) and discovered I had a tubal pregnancy. I was scheduled for surgery the next day. It turns out, it had ruptured and I was bleeding internally. If I had waited another week, I probably would have lost my life. [name_m]Even[/name_m] now, the reality of that hasn’t sunk in. I feel like I’m being overly dramatic. I lost my ovary and fallopian tube.

My miscarriage wasn’t life threatening but, it was definitely traumatic. I experienced morning sickness the first couple of weeks and then it stopped. I remained optimistic because I didn’t experience any miscarriage symptoms and I went to my first appointment (10 weeks) excited. They did an ultrasound and told me that it was measuring small. I didn’t think anything about it until they said there was no blood flow. I had lost the baby at 7 weeks. That’s three weeks of thinking I was fine and my baby was healthy. I broke down in tears. I scheduled a D&C for later that week.

Both of these happened within a year. I was recently blessed with my rainbow baby but, I still think about what could have been. Especially since my due date for my ectopic was around the same time as his.

@sunshine31 - picking up and carrying on and figuring out what works for yourself is tough. Yesterday marks two weeks since we lost our most recent pregnancy, and only now do I feel more like myself. It’s been a tough, terrible couple of weeks. My 12 week loss hit me so much harder than my earlier losses, and I needed much more time to come to terms with it. I went back to work the day before my D&C just to get everything organized, and haven’t been back to the office since. I worked from home luckily with support from my office and will return back to work on [name_f]Tuesday[/name_f] now. It’s very hard and you need to let yourself feel all the emotions running through your system, the fear, the despair, the anger, and sometimes the relief. [name_f]Do[/name_f] not push yourself to get over it, do not push yourself to try again sooner than you are emotionally ready. Be kind to yourself and don’t pressure yourself to feel a certain way.
Try to find closure, name your baby if it helps. All four of mine have names, it’s how I remember them. Some women get tattooed, some release balloons, some write a letter to their baby. It’s such a personal journey and it’s not an easy one, there’s no right or wrong way to grieve and move forward. Try again when you are ready, whenever that may be. A week ago I never wanted to be pregnant again, but this week I feel more brave when it comes to the possibility.
[name_m]Even[/name_m] after two miscarriages your odds of a healthy pregnancy are still so high, and I am sorry your doctor reacted that way, I was told the same thing during my first pregnancy this year. It’s incredibly insensitive, and I never went back to that doctor. Keep your head up.

@lapislazuli - Complications from a ectopic pregnancy can be terrifying, I had a friend with a very similar experience that almost cost her her life as well. It’s wonderful that you have been able to conceive since that experience though, and that your rainbow baby coincides with your ectopic, things like that feel meant to be!

Many of you know a little bit of my story but none of you know all of it. A long time ago, when my husband and I were first together, we got pregnant without trying. We were young, I had just started my career, we weren’t in a good place financially, and we just weren’t ready to be parents. We came to the difficult decision to terminate the pregnancy. It was the best decision at that time and although I don’t necessarily regret it, I often wonder what my life would be like had we chosen differently. I think about that baby often and it still hurts.

Fast forward several years and we were ready to be parents! Then came years of heartache during our struggles with infertility. I couldn’t help but think I was being punished for my previous decision all those years ago. I thought that it was karma, that I didn’t deserve a baby. Then we miscarried, and then we miscarried again, and then came the depression. I thought it was all my fault. That my body gave me the opportunity once and I threw my chance at motherhood away. I was in a dark place for a long, long time. My husband is the only reason I kept putting one foot in front of the other.

Fast forward again to [name_f]September[/name_f] of 2017, I had an HSG that showed a blocked tube. Luckily my OB was willing to let me do three final rounds of meds before moving on to IVF. We were one month shy of three years of actively trying and I was ready to give up. I had zero expectations and I had lost all hope. The HSG showed my right tube was blocked and of course all of my ovulation pains were on the right. I was 100% sure we were out. And then randomly around CD 25 I had a crazy vivid dream about childbirth, woke up to pee, and decided to pee on a stick for shits and giggles. It was freaking positive. I still didn’t believe it or let myself get excited.

I went on to have blood work that showed great numbers but I still told myself we’d lose this baby too. It wasn’t until our 8 week ultrasound where we saw TWO babies that I started to feel hopeful. The ultrasound confirmed I ovulated from the right ovary, which has the blocked tube. And it showed that the twins were identical which is a completely random chance, not caused by my fertility meds. These babies were miracles. I had two subchorionic hemorrhages which caused me to bleed from 6 weeks to 14 weeks. Two days after hitting viability week, when I thought I could relax a bit, we found out one twin was measuring quite small. Our baby B was diagnosed with SIUGR and was extremely stressed in my womb. Basically the shared placenta couldn’t keep up with both babies so baby B was suffering. We were sent for steroid injections to strengthen the babies lungs and I had doctors appointments 3 times a week including ultrasounds, NSTs, and other procedures. Somehow we made it to 34 weeks and my girls were born at 4 lbs and 2 lbs 10 oz.

Additionally, during my surgery my OB found a mass on my right fallopian tube, the one that had the blockage. She removed it and sent it to pathology for review. She came to see me while I was visiting my girls in the NICU to tell me the results. It was an old ectopic pregnancy that by body encapsulated. So adding all of this up… I have actually been pregnant 5 times resulting in 4 angel babies and our miracle twin girls.

I guess I’m explaining all of this to show you that miracles really do happen. It sounds so cliche and I hate that, but I can’t help it. Please feel free to reach out to me if you want to, I’m a great listener. There is also a lovely community on Instagram for all things ttc, pregnancy loss support, stillbirth, etc. I’m more than happy to send you in the right direction if you’d like to join. It helped me so much during my darkest days. It’s a very active community and these women understand you 1000%. I wish you all the best and I can’t wait to see your BFP posts in the future! <3

We have been on the forums for a long time together [name_f]Lainy[/name_f] and thank you for sharing this part of your journey I had no idea. I know all of these feelings and this part of your journey all too well as I have been experiencing these thoughts myself lately after repeated losses. It does feel like punishment and bad karma, I find myself wondering if that was a baby that would have worked out, if I should have kept that baby, or if I would have lost that baby too anyway. I try not to let myself get lost in these thoughts but it’s hard not to. I still don’t regret it but wondering and what ifs are always there. The chance and everything was there, but we weren’t ready, the time wasn’t right, and now we are struggling for making the choice to wait until we were ready, fast forward 8 years and Now almost a year of trying later we have 3 losses and I am losing hope that it can be done some days. Other days I am eternally optimistic but it’s beyond difficult.

Lainy, your story has always given me so much hope. We were in at least 2 TTC groups together on here and I remember hoping so badly that you’d get your miracle. You 100% deserved your little miracle girls. That had to be unimaginably hard to walk that path, thinking that you were getting some sort of payback for ending your first pregnancy. Thank you for sharing your story <3 you and all of the other ladies.

I’m posting to give this thread a boost. I know there are berries out there now who might benefit from posting (or even just following the discussion).

[name_m]Hi[/name_m]. I hope you are doing well. Thanks for making this thread. I feel so bad for every mother who ever lost their babies. Miscarriages are horrible. I never had one and I hope I never do. I don’t think I will ever be able to deal with that kind of pain. When my surrogate was pregnant with my son, my life started changing on a daily basis. I would desperately wait for the birth of my son in those days. I couldn’t even imagine what I would’ve been like if I had lost him. People who go through this are really strong. They deserve all the happiness in the world. Sending prayers to the mommies who are currently dealing with this. I hope things work out for you all. More power to all of you.

We weren’t trying, and my period was only one day late, but I just had this weird feeling, so I took an at-home pregnancy test. And it was clearly positive. That was on [name_u]November[/name_u] 16, 2017. I went to my doctor and had a test done there as well, and it was positive, with my HCG levels over 30,000.

I was terrified. I had only known my boyfriend for two months and he was battling with mental health problems. But he was so excited and happy. I wasn’t. …I wanted an abortion, and I cried all the time and was angry. I prayed for a miscarriage.

I soon found out that under my parents health insurance, I had no maternity benefits, so I went on welfare. They wanted my first ultrasound scheduled for [name_u]December[/name_u] 20th, but because of the whole health insurance fiasco, it got pushed back to [name_u]January[/name_u] 8.

Around the middle of [name_u]December[/name_u], I started to bleed, like a very mild period, but it didn’t go away. I talked to the nurses and they just thought I was dehydrated, so I tried to drink more water.

On [name_u]December[/name_u] 17, its really weird, but I just started thinking about my late grandmother all the time, and it almost started to feel like she was there with me, by my side, telling me that everything was going to be okay. One week later, I decided that I wanted the baby, and I was at peace and I was happy, and everyone sort of breathed a sigh of relief.

On [name_u]Christmas[/name_u] [name_f]Eve[/name_f], the bleeding got worse, so me, my boyfriend and my parents went to the ER. I had my first ultrasound done, and there were four sacs. I was diagnosed with a threatened quadruplet miscarriage. It was the happiest day of my life. I had always wanted at least four children, and I was going to have a full family all at once. They were so tiny on the ultrasound that you couldn’t even see them. I was about five or six weeks along at that point.

On [name_u]December[/name_u] 30, the cramping got worse, and quickly became the worst period pain of my life. I completely soiled a thick pad in under 20 minutes, and then I started having contractions every three minutes. It was so painful… I knew I was losing them and I broke down, we went back to the ER, and it was confirmed, and I had to have a D&C that night. By [name_m]New[/name_m] Year’s [name_f]Eve[/name_f] the miscarriage was over…

It was like… I had life in me… four children, and then all of a sudden, they were erased. [name_m]Just[/name_m] gone. I think about them every single day, all day. I wonder what gender they would have been, what they would have looked like, which one would have been the first to talk, or walk…

This pain stays with you. I really miss them.