We weren’t trying, and my period was only one day late, but I just had this weird feeling, so I took an at-home pregnancy test. And it was clearly positive. That was on [name_u]November[/name_u] 16, 2017. I went to my doctor and had a test done there as well, and it was positive, with my HCG levels over 30,000.
I was terrified. I had only known my boyfriend for two months and he was battling with mental health problems. But he was so excited and happy. I wasn’t. …I wanted an abortion, and I cried all the time and was angry. I prayed for a miscarriage.
I soon found out that under my parents health insurance, I had no maternity benefits, so I went on welfare. They wanted my first ultrasound scheduled for [name_u]December[/name_u] 20th, but because of the whole health insurance fiasco, it got pushed back to [name_u]January[/name_u] 8.
Around the middle of [name_u]December[/name_u], I started to bleed, like a very mild period, but it didn’t go away. I talked to the nurses and they just thought I was dehydrated, so I tried to drink more water.
On [name_u]December[/name_u] 17, its really weird, but I just started thinking about my late grandmother all the time, and it almost started to feel like she was there with me, by my side, telling me that everything was going to be okay. One week later, I decided that I wanted the baby, and I was at peace and I was happy, and everyone sort of breathed a sigh of relief.
On [name_u]Christmas[/name_u] [name_f]Eve[/name_f], the bleeding got worse, so me, my boyfriend and my parents went to the ER. I had my first ultrasound done, and there were four sacs. I was diagnosed with a threatened quadruplet miscarriage. It was the happiest day of my life. I had always wanted at least four children, and I was going to have a full family all at once. They were so tiny on the ultrasound that you couldn’t even see them. I was about five or six weeks along at that point.
On [name_u]December[/name_u] 30, the cramping got worse, and quickly became the worst period pain of my life. I completely soiled a thick pad in under 20 minutes, and then I started having contractions every three minutes. It was so painful… I knew I was losing them and I broke down, we went back to the ER, and it was confirmed, and I had to have a D&C that night. By [name_m]New[/name_m] Year’s [name_f]Eve[/name_f] the miscarriage was over…
It was like… I had life in me… four children, and then all of a sudden, they were erased. [name_m]Just[/name_m] gone. I think about them every single day, all day. I wonder what gender they would have been, what they would have looked like, which one would have been the first to talk, or walk…
This pain stays with you. I really miss them.