Only child help

Parentberries
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Hello

This community has always helped me and just been such a marvellous place to turn too full of kindness, acceptance, understanding and just is a joyous community to be part off so thank you for having me as part of the berry community!

Anyways once again I’ve come to ask for some guidance and wisdom hopefully you can help. As you all know I’m mum to Lilia. Lilia is my world as she’s so precious I worry about the childhood I’m providing my daughter and this includes her being an only child.

In a dream world she would have a sibling or even siblings (Malachi + Rose obviously my dream pair) but financially I cannot see myself being able to have another child especially with the cost of living crisis seeming to not end. I do not think it would be fair on anyone having another child when making ends meet is difficult as it is. Then I think off how poorly I was during my pregnancy, my birth and about six months after Lilia was born it fills me with genuine fear the idea of putting myself through another journey like that again. My partner Joseph suffers with both physical + mental health issues which has resulted in him being in and out of work a lot meaning that financially I’m the one that holds everything together so having a baby me being off work will be a challenge. Furthermore I also suffer from physical + mental health issues (nowhere near as severe as Joseph) which just adds further stress onto our predicament. All this stuff makes having a second child seem like a pipe dream. I would love to give Lilia a sibling I love having siblings myself and seeing my friends have their second or third child makes me feel envious but the reality just doesn’t marry up to being able to have another one. I also get tons of pressure from my family, his family and just people in general to have more kids. Everyone tells me how unfair it’ll be on Lilia to potentially not have anymore children which makes me feel guilty for not having more. My sister in law has two kids and she’s honestly praised for being a mum of two whereas my mum of one status looks a bit I don’t know ‘lame’ in comparison. Everyone talks about how lovely it is for 0livia to be a sister and how sweet 0livia + Gabri3ll3 are together and how Lilia will be lonely followed by ‘bless her’ comments. It feels like I’ve failed Lilia by her being a ‘lonely’ child as his relatives put it. It’s just tough.

So in a nutshell what our your general thoughts on only children? Do they grow up damaged/selfish/brattish/spoilt/lonely? Will I ruin Lilia’s childhood by not giving her a sibling? How do I ensure Lilia doesn’t end up broken because she’s an only child? Honestly these are all things they have been said to me and make me panic about Lilia so I appreciate some help.

Thank you :blue_heart:

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I’m so sorry to hear about all the horrible comments you’ve gotten! While I’m not an only child myself, all of my closest friends happen to be only children, and it’s something I’ve discussed with them. Their response is always either “I’m glad I’m an only child”, or “I think I would like to have siblings, but I’m not sure/it doesn’t really bother me that I don’t”. Of course each person will be different, but this has been the response from 5/5 of the people I’ve asked! And none of them are selfish, bratty or damaged in any way. If you want to bring psychology into it, I did a class on siblings & socialization at university (keep in mind I’m no expert, this was just one small part of my module!) and from what I remember the consensus was that having a sibling can be helpful in developing social skills, but primarily for the younger sibling, not the older sibling, and it always depends on the family & community circumstances! From both real life experience and what I remember learning, I think the worries about only children’s development are overstated and a little silly - of course most people who don’t have siblings are still nice people! It’s hard to fight the social stigma around it, though, and I wish you the best in figuring out the path that’s best for you and your family :yellow_heart:

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I myself am the baby of 3, with two older brothers. Having siblings while growing up was not always the greatest if I’m completely honest. [name_f]My[/name_f] family probably would’ve thrived more with only 2 kids not 3, but I came along haha.
[name_f]My[/name_f] fiancé is an only child though. His parents couldn’t afford to spoil him, but they think an awful lot of him (as do I). He’s a very ambitious, driven person and together we’ve created an amazing life above and beyond what we dreamed. He’s got a half sister who showed up later in our lives, she’s older than he is and he’s never really seen her as a sibling or family really. However he has expressed that siblings would have been nice, and that he’d like to have more than one child for the sake of siblings. I think maybe seeing my brothers and I support each other through our Dads death and other hardships has maybe opened his eyes to something he’s missed out on.
I’m a big fan of “Have the family you can afford”, financially, emotionally, physically etc. your daughter won’t be harmed by being an only child, but if Mom/Dad are at their wits end trying to keep life together with 2 kids, that could take a toll.

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You sound like a wondeful mother and it’s obvious that you have put a lot of thought into this. While it would be great for [name_f]Lilia[/name_f] to have a sibling, I really don’t think she will ultimately be negatively affected for not having one. She will know that her parents love her and made decisions based on what you feel is best for her either way.
It’s easy for people on the outside to tell you what your life should look like but only you and your partner know what you can both handle and you are the ones who will be responsible for it. I would ignore anyone trying to make you feel guilty about whatever decision you make regarding your family.

There are always pros and cons anyway. Yes, if she had siblings she would have someone else to go through childhood and life with but to be honest you cannot guarantee your children will be close in adulthood (though everyone hopes that’s the case).
As an only child you will be able to devote all of your time and resources to her in a way that you likely would not be able to if she had a sibling.
So it is a trade off either way.

I guess all I can say is listen to your own heart and reasoning behind such a decision either way and try not to let other people make you feel as if you aren’t thinking about what’s best for your daughter because that’s obviously not true.

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I’m not a parent, but I am very close to two only children: my boyfriend and my best friend. Both are truly incredible people: smart, caring, sociable (much more social than introverted ol’ me, who has an older sister), happy and professionally successful. [name_f]My[/name_f] boyfriend is quite a chill person, but he adores his parents and gets very angry when anyone suggests they behaved selfishly by having only one child (100% by choice; both had high-flying careers and didn’t want to give them up). I do some part-time work with children, and in my experience siblings can be a real mixed bag - some sibling relationships are adorable, but I see some parents stressed to tears because their children loathe each others’ guts (not in a fun way, genuinely, seriously loathe). There is absolutely no guaruntee that having another kid would improve your daughter’s quality of life; you clearly adore her, and everything else comes second to that. I plan on having an only child myself for various reasons, and while I do experience the occasional twinge of guilt I know so many happy well-balanced only children that I’m able to put that aside. I’m sending you so much love because the fact you’re worrying about this proves how caring a mother you are, and that your little one will be just fine :blossom:

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Only child here :raising_hand_woman:t2:

First of all, I want to say that you sound like an amazing amazing mother and to even contemplate how this would work for your Lilia is admirable! I’m sorry that you’re getting such rough feedback…

So, from my experience, I would say that from as young as I can remember through to late teens I definitely wanted a sibling very badly. I wanted someone to do things with, and (more specific to my life) I wanted to have someone else who was experiencing the same things I was/going through it with me. Though looking back, our days were structured around my needs and the parenting style was very tailored to me which I’m sure helped in so many ways that I can’t comprehend.

Around the time I was in HS and then starting college, I think I became a lot more grateful to be an only child. Things settled out family-wise which was probably a contributor as well. My mother puts all she has towards me - financially, emotionally - which has been greatly beneficial to me for a variety of reasons even beyond the norm. At this point, it’s kind of weird to think of what life would be like if I had a sibling. My mom and I are very close too!

Personality wise, I don’t think I’m damaged/selfish/brattish/spoiled/lonely - or if I show any of those traits, it’s not because of the lack of siblings. I do have a friend who says that I definitely “seem like an only child” but I think that’s more a description of nerdyness, texting my mom any time something interesting happens, being a bit sheltered?

My main “wishes” or suggestions that you could implement are probably planning and community - and I think that these things go hand in hand. I wish that I had a larger support system and I wish that I had a better idea of what to do in case of emergency/someone that I could call on. I obviously don’t have siblings to call or lean on (and uniquely, I have one parent and we aren’t really close to extended family) so especially as my mother gets older I am worried about what I’ll do (this thought fills me with dread tbh but a lot of it is either normal or specific to my situation). As I am looking towards grad school and starting my career, I am conscious of my ability to get home (I also just want to go home sometimes, it’s not only this idea of being a caretaker lol). Also, when I was younger I think I would have benefited from more community and having connections outside of just friends I made at school which fluctuated more. I think the joke is that only children mature faster because they spend all their time with adults and intentionally creating bond with other families or faith/culture-based community would be helpful.

TL;DR, I am a decently well-adjusted, now adult, only child. I have friends who don’t have siblings and we’re all fine. I think that the idea of kids needing siblings is overhyped (I will say that it is important for me to have 2+ kids but it’s not because being an only child is awful by any means). Purposeful community and some additional planning are some ways that a parent of an only child could make it even better.

(also sorry if this is all over the place it’s like 1/2 advice, 1/2 my life story but I don’t know what to take out :see_no_evil: LMK if you have any questions, I would be happy to help in any way I can)

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I am not a parent, of course, but I sympathize with this tumultuous struggle. :two_hearts: As you’ve outlined well already, there are myriad reasons why adding children to a family, to a home, to finances is complicated!

In short: no! Absolutely not! So, so many people—wonderful people—are only children. Everyone knows at least one wonderful only child. We probably know several. While siblings are and can be an absolutely special relationship between children and adults, they are by no means vital to ensuring a person grows to be well-rounded, kind, and exciting.

Connections can come from anywhere. From cousins, friends, classmates… I truly believe and have the most confidence that Lilia will find her special loves and friendships in companions regardless of whether or not she is blood related to them.

I’m so sorry to hear all the negative comments you’ve been getting from people who are convinced Lilia will grow up “lonely” or lesser. That’s a naive and close-minded thing to say about an only child—a bit ludicrous to me! No one knows their capacity and family’s needs better than the person living in them daily. And that is you, not them. I suppose there will always be people who find what we do, how we live, or how we bring up families to be disagreeable—but we are not defined by their judgements.

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@tallemaja thank you for taking the time out to respond I really appreciate your insightful outlook especially in relation to child psychology. Your response is really reassuring!

@Kibby thank you responding! Your partner sounds lovely and it’s nice to hear off people who are only children and turn out to be successful individuals. It’s also nice to know of people who have a similar mentality to myself I do think it’s because to have the children the parents can cope with

@whatchamacallit thank you so much it’s nice to hear that someone thinks I’m a good mum I’ve had a lot of months of being in doubt about my abilities so thank you. I also appreciate the feedback I actually know lots of people who have such strange relationships with their siblings in some ways it would be easier if they didn’t have any. Sometimes I just need people to point stuff out you know so thank you.

@Mary_Rose thank you for taking the time to respond it’s nice to hear from people who know such lovely only children it’s really reassuring it’s also lovely to know of people who are choosing to be parents of just one child. Thank you for sharing!

@lateaugust thank you for taking the time out to respond it’s so lovely to hear about the special relationship you have with your mum and hearing about your thoughts it’s nice to hear first hand what being an only child was like! Thank you. Also thank you for the offer of asking follow on questions that’s very sweet

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@snowmaiden thank you for taking the time out to respond your response is beyond lovely and very true so thank you! I think sometimes I just need to take a step back and ignore the negative comments so thank you.

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I am not an only child, but someone with a sibling and tons of other close cousins. I have known quite a few only children, and none of them wish for a sibling. None of them are spoilt/bratty or damaged & lonely. I understand how people perceive having siblings as having ‘a bestfriend since birth’ or something of that sort, but not everyone enjoys it to the fullest extent.

I plan on having only one child myself. [name_m]Even[/name_m] if I am well-to-do in the future and can afford having multiple children, I would only choose having one child. That’s simply because I don’t think I will be able to mentally & emotionally provide for more than one child. If my mental health is better, and my partner’s as well, then I might consider having another.

It is not important solely to cater to a child’s needs financially – but also emotionally and mentally. The people who are advising you to have another child will not be the ones raising them. I’ll only advise you to think of yourself and your partner’s healths, in addition to Lilia’s, before anyone else. Whatever you do I’m sure your daughter’s happiness would be of utmost importance to you.

Best of luck!

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@AStudyIn_Scarlet thank you so much for responding of course it’s everything that comes into fruition when deciding to have more children which is why I have so many reservations you have to think of everything anyways thank you and it’s nice to hear of another person in a similar position to me.

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I’m an only child and hopefully am not coming across as any of these here :slightly_smiling_face: Or if I am, like @lateaugust said, it’s not the lack of siblings that caused it! There are a lot of myths surrounding only children but research has showed over and over again that they’re not true - growing up without siblings is not inherently damaging. I did wish for a sister when I was young but I was imaging it being like my best friend moving in with us and like an endless fun sleepover which must be pretty far off reality, haha.

You might find this Instagram page a source of comfort (no longer being updated it looks like but has loads of good posts busting myths about being and having an only child): https://instagram.com/onlyyoucommunity?igshid=NTc4MTIwNjQ2YQ==

There’s no one right way to be a family, and if being “one and done” makes the most sense to yours, you absolutely are complete and perfect as a trio, and to Lilia it will always be normal.

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@Luminen thank you so much for responding along with the reassurance regarding what Lilia’s normal will be it’s so true!!

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[name_f]My[/name_f] sister was close friends with an only child growing up, and her parents made a point to invite her over regularly & even took her on a couple vacations with them (usually if they were visiting other family & friends who didn’t have kids, so their daughter would have a friend to play with during the trip).

Obviously I’m not an only child, but I think that as long as you’re helping to foster close friendships by making playdates, etc, then I don’t think it should be too lonely for [name_f]Lilia[/name_f] to grow up as an only child.

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You are a wonderful mother because you care so much. The reasons you cited for not having another are entirely selfless ones, you are thinking about Lilia’s emotional, financial and relational wellbeing.

You may know we decided to go for a second and I spend most nights awake terrified for all the reasons you mentioned - cost of living, mental health, fear of how it will impact my relationship with [name_f]Flora[/name_f]. I’m already so irritable and tired from pregnancy I can feel the tension it’s created between me and my baby girl, who is still breastfeeding and co sleeping and needing me so much. It doesn’t feel good to be pushing her away in the lead up to so much upheaval. I also feel like we’re only just coping being parents of one so I know this second is going to make our break us.

It’s a tough decision and there will be pain and regret either way you choose. Ultimately I think [name_f]Lilia[/name_f] will be no worse off as an only child and in fact the only children I know all seem better adjusted and happier than myself, youngest of 3 with no real relationship with my siblings.

There are so many stressors in this world and we certainly don’t need to be adding to them. [name_u]Trust[/name_u] yourself and ignore those who question you if they can, they’re likely just talking on autopilot anyway. Maybe you could come up with a one liner that you can say to sit down the conversation when people bring it up. Something like “we’ve decided it’s the most responsible thing we can do for ourselves and [name_f]Lilia[/name_f] to just focus on her upbringing and wellbeing in this phase of our lives”.

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@Sadie307 thank you for taking the time out to respond it’s so nice to hear about how included your sister was it’s so nice to hear about the nurturing of the relationships and I think this is so true. I’m blessed as I have lots of friends with kids so arrange regular play dates for her so I hope that’ll those friendships will blossom so she can have people close to her.

@elleplume thank you for responding! I know that your expecting another one I’ve answered some of your naming queries (I love the idea of [name_u]Forest[/name_u] for a boy which was one of your ideas) and it’s super exciting so I’m wishing you all the best. I completely get what your saying though as your [name_f]Flora[/name_f] is like [name_f]Lilia[/name_f] we’re still co-sleeping and she needs me tons which is another reason why adding another to mix feels overwhelming I think your really brave having another and adding to your family. Honestly I think you’re an amazing mama and I’m wishing you all the best with having two bubbas! I’m sure [name_f]Flora[/name_f] will adjust just like you’re probably right about [name_f]Lilia[/name_f] being okay as an only child. I also appreciate the line to say that’s good advice.

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I don’t think I’m able to add anything that hasn’t already been said. But… reading your post did resonate with me. [name_f]My[/name_f] husband and I have made the choice to homeschool our children. And I feel, maybe similar to those who only have one children, there is a stigma / preconceived idea / stereotype that my children by default are going to be unsocialized and then all the bad words you can attach to that (lonely, outcasts, etc). The thing is though that as I’m going through now the early years of homeschooling and meeting other homeschoolers I’m seeing how much those ideas are for the most part false. Are my kids riding on buses and eating lunches with the same kids daily? No! But there are plenty of other ways for a homeschoolers to cultivate relationships and socialize then in the confines of a school building…. I’m sure in the same way there’s plenty of other ways for only children to socialize and cultivate relationships outside of having siblings.

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Goodness, I’m really sorry your family is saying things like that to you! That’s not fair and none of their business what you decide is best for your family. (I have a family who thinks some of my parenting decisions are up for debate as well, so I understand the struggle of boundaries)

I recently decided to be one-and-done, so I’ve spent a lot of time reflecting on pros and cons. I have a lot of the same issues that you mentioned :pensive:

[name_f]My[/name_f] long winded thoughts

Children have a natural inclination for certain personalities, but parenting plays a huge role. Selfish, bratty, spoiled is fairly easy to avoid. Some examples of ways to avoid it, which I am doing/plan on doing: Focus on experiences rather than material items. Expose her to people and communities who are different than ours. Make an effort to volunteer time or donate.

I know a mom who encouraged selflessness so well, that her young daughter decided to forgo birthday presents from friends, and asked everyone to bring diapers to her birthday party, so she could donate them to a women’s shelter. I don’t think whether she had siblings or not had anything to do with that. It was all parenting.

As for any damage or loneliness, I think all parents need to be conscious of themselves and their circumstances. A child within a large sibling group can still feel lonely because they are “forgotton” amongst the chaos, if the parents aren’t conscious that this could happen. Similarly, an only child could feel lonely if the parents aren’t making extra efforts to engage their child with the community and build friendships. It’s all about balance, either way.

One time I read that only children can struggle with confrontation. Children with siblings fight each other, learn to stand up for themselves, and also learn to work things out together. As a mom of an only child, I know this will be a struggle for me. I was actually just reading a post on a FB mom group of a mom with a child the same age as D, who comes home from daycare with another child’s bite mark every week. The other moms in the comments said “that is developmentally normal, don’t worry about it” and I’m reading them like “whaaaaat??” If D’s babysitter couldn’t keep other children from biting her, I’d take her somewhere else! So the lesson for myself here is, as long as she’s not being really harmed, I need to let her handle confrontation, and not jump in or pull her from situations every time, like I want to… I’m definitely going to struggle with this, D’s whole life :weary:

Personally, if someone continued to make comments about me conceiving a second child, after I gave multiple polite responses to get them to stop, I would start reminding them that they’re trying to discuss our bedroom activities. It’s so inappropriate! I hate how normalized it is, when you really don’t know what people are going through.

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@Alix2016 thank you for taking the time out to respond and share your experiences in relation to stigma surrounding your paternal decision to homeschool. Wishing you all the best with homeschooling! Honestly I think when your parent it’s almost allows others to judge where they wouldn’t be able too if kids weren’t involved. I think parenting judgement is just a lot.

@Elle1 thank you for taking the time out to respond its nice to hear from other parents who are on the ‘one and done’ bandwagon! You’ve raised some interesting points so thank you wishing you all the best with D. Also your so right people are literally talking about what goes down in your bedroom so openly it’s weird

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As others have said, how a child turns out is more down to parenting than other factors. I know an only child for whom I personally think it might have been better if he had a sibling, to take some of his parents’ focus off him (I know it sounds funny, since parental attention can be a concern with multiple children!)–but in his case I kinda think it might have helped him develop better independence if his dad’s scrutiny and his mom’s indulgence had been divided up a bit. But what am I looking at here? Parenting style.
I know another only child whose parents I’ve looked at and thought “If I had an only kid, that’s how I’d want to do it.” They’re pretty wealthy and able to travel a good deal, but their son isn’t spoiled; they always seem to be focused on some interesting project or adventure, bringing their son along and keeping him involved, but not pouring so much focus right onto him. Again: parenting style.

I wanted to say, too, for what it’s worth, that while there’s unfair stigma on only children, some of the stereotypical concerns surrounding larger families (lack of money, lack of parents’ attention, older kids being unfairly made to act as secondary parents) are often unfounded. Sure, those things can happen, just as an only child can be spoiled, but they aren’t a given. I’m part of a large family and grew up around large families, and I had mostly good experiences. [name_m]Just[/name_m] to say, you should do what you think is right for your family, but babies are a blessing and I think you’ll make it work all right too if you should end up pregnant again :heart:

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