See the results of this poll: Can this work?
Respondents: 50 (This poll is closed)
- Yes, it can work! Go for it! : 23 (46%)
- No, I think you should keep waiting.: 27 (54%)
Respondents: 50 (This poll is closed)
I’m feeling a bit like this right now too. Its really selfish, because I’m already blessed, but I can’t help it.
So this is what I’m getting from your post.
You and your DH have a loving, secure relationship. You both want to be parents. You are both balanced, reasonable people. You aren’t completely financially secure, but you are financially independent, which is equally important. You have planned and researched means to have the baby you want so badly. I think you know what I’m going to say, I think you both are definitely ready to be parents, financially, emotionally and physically.
I was no where near that stable when my eldest was born, in my relationship, my finances or my maturity. You are in a far better place than I was when I had my first. If I’m capable of doing it, you totally are too. I was pregnant on my second DD for my whole final year of university, my school didn’t offer online classes which is definitely an advantage to you.
All babies need are love, warmth, food, and clothes. Buy a sling to avoid having to buy a pram or stroller. Co-sleep so you don’t have to buy a crib. There are so, so, so many ways of making babies cheaper, and you’ve already found most of them. You can do it with careful planning. In my opinion, you are more than ready to be a mother. I say go for it.
Best of luck with your decision
[name]Reading[/name] your post, I was struck by two things: (1) a deep sadness for the children that are born to the women who don’t want them and (2) an optimism at the careful consideration you have demonstrated about the juggling and sacrifice involved in having and raising a child. I can see you have put much thought in this issue. Let me say what I think: you are in a long-term, stable relationship; you are both responsible and financially independent individuals; you live in a house that can accommodate a child; you live near places that would allow you to shop on a budget and you have a support system at hand. If everyone had to wait until they were more financially secure and in a bigger home, no one would be having children. I’ve heard of far too many couples who delay starting a family and then when they want to start, it’s either too late biologically or they run into problems with fertility. Whenever a child is born, there will always be sacrifices to make (emotionally, physically, financially etc…). If YOU and your husband feel that you’re ready, then you probably are! I know you’ll make the right decision and I wish you luck.
I am going to argue the side of waiting a little while. Ultimately both you and your husband need to be ready. It sounds like he is not just yet. Maybe he needs to see examples of how it can be done on a budget before he can feel comfortable with it. I hear you with the baby lust feelings though! I went through that while in graduate school and almost took the parenthood plunge at that point but decided to wait. I thik there is no perfect time however. Finishing school is a great goal - and if you are close to being done then you may be so happy that you accomplished that before embarking on a new phase of your life.
If you do decide to wait, maybe you can help yourself feel better about it by making a bucket list of fun things to look forward to doing now - things that you will not be able to do as easily after a baby arrives - like spontaneous outings (or innings) with your husband or girls nights with buddies. Sleeping in and staying up late… Camping… reading a novel all day on [name]Saturday[/name] if you want to… Also, you can put some energy into getting yourself into the best shape of your life so that when you get pregnant you can be healthy and active and recover more rapidly after birth.
I am not sure if any of this is helpful. It is hard when one partner is ready and the other is not. I wish you the very best!
Here is an idea for you - maybe you can time a pregnancy so that you are pregnant at your graduation (next summer?). [name]How[/name] exciting to celebrate your accomplishments personally and the launching of a new phase of life as a mother with a promising future career… And let’s not forget to imagine how adorable your baby bump will be an the graduation gown! Your timing of conceiving at the end of this year fits that timeline well. It is not that far off. It is already spring now - so three more seasons and you are making a baby!
It sounds like you are ready to me. The fact is there will always be some reason to keep waiting if you are looking for one. If you want a baby and can take care of it emotionally and financially, I say go for it. It sounds like you will be a great mom.
Unless you are in your late 30s and the clock is ticking I would wait until you finish school. It’s really hard to do much of anything when you have a baby. I have a two year old and a newborn right now. I only have time to type this because the big one is sleeping and the little one is nursing. The time you may think you have for online classes will be used for eating, sleeping, or showering notice I said OR not AND! Crazy amount of work, but they are worth it.
I also hate to see people having babies who don’t intend to care for them, ESP. When I have friends doing IVF praying for a baby.
You sound like you are really smart and responsible and that you have really thought it through so don’t feel you have to put it off forever. [name]Even[/name] with a low income you will be able to manage if you budget. There’s a lot of people who don’t make a lot of money, but spend it all on crap instead of taking care of their children.
I feel your pain! As the eldest of 3 siblings (close in age), watching my brother’s (now) wives throw care to the wind and ending up unexpectedly pregnant before marriage or making the choice to has been very frustrating for me. I’m now 28 and in my second year of marriage and couldn’t be any happier with our decision to wait - as painful as it seemed at the time.
My rant often includes the fact that my mother taught me to be married or in a civil union, or to make a choice to become a parent. When my brothers announced their news, my mom was overjoyed. It’s been my dream to be a mother since I was a little girl and both of my younger siblings had unplanned children. I love their kids, and I love them, but I’m insanely jealous. I struggled to figure out why I felt betrayed by my mother. Eventually I figured out that it wouldn’t have mattered what my mother said or did. I made the conscious effort to wait until I was ready. I did it for my pride and because bringing a child into the world involves a great deal of support. I could have been a parent, but I wanted to be a great parent.
My brothers and their wives are good parents. They’ve managed with the resources they have. You can manage. The question is, can you be the parent you want to be? My husband and I had always dreamed of taking our family on vacations, amusement parks, camping trips & involving them in sports. If we hadn’t have waited, we likely would not have had the resources.
For myself, I only started trying for a family when I knew that if I gave birth to a child with a disability or who required additional care, I had the resources to provide for my child in the best way possible. I watched my brother’s families grow and grow with limited resources while we saved up and prepared ourselves. We have a modest home, no debt, a steady income and two new cars. It’s time. I can be the parent I want to be and give my child my best.
That is when it’s time to have children. When you can feel good about your decision!
However…it’s so frustrating that I’m not pregnant yet (after 4 months of trying) when people who don’t plan to have babies are popping up pregnant everywhere around me!
Trying to study with a baby is VERY stressful, I did it and managed it but its hard, my stress levels were higher than they should have been, I didn’t get enough sleep and ultimately couldn’t breastfeed because of it. It has all worked out though and I am happy we didn’t wait longer before having our first daughter. If you have a colic baby or any other problems you [name]WILL[/name] be sleep deprived and studying will be put off. The older your child gets there are other time drains and studying could potentially get put off even longer. This happened to my cousin who is very happy with her kids, but ultimately has no chance of ever finishing her studies. She just does not have the time/energy. You sound level headed and like you both want a child. Any baby born to you will be blessed. I know people who raise kids on very tight budgets, and through experience I know that kids can be happy and healthy on a budget! [name]Just[/name] being realistic and having a plan is key. The only problem I foresee is studying. You will need a lot of support as you will have guilt feelings - picking between baby and books basically, but with exams that is a realistic problem. I was always grateful when my mom came to visit me as I could treat myself to a shower!! Otherwise I just could not do it Space is not a problem, a baby really doesn’t need that much, especially in the first year. Those are all the pros and cons from my experience. Good luck Either way I’m sure you will do what feels right for you and your spouse!
I agree with this. [name]How[/name] close to graduating are you Your going to be pregnant for nine months before baby arrives so you’ll be nine months closer to done with your schooling when baby arrives. In general I do think you are better to wait until your done with school but you and your husband sound very prepared to be parents. If you have a good support network in your family then even better.
When is your intended graduation date? This spring? By the end of the year? Next spring? I think school is really your only bump in the road. And not a very big one. I think it would be easier for you to finish school while it can be your only focus — but it’s not like woman haven’t done school while pregnant. I went to all women’s school for my undergrad degree and remember thinking how lucky I was that I all I had to do at the end of day was my assignments. I couldn’t imagine juggling kids on top on that like some of my friends and peers had to do. If you don’t have long to go, I could see the temptation to get started. It will work out the way that it is supposed to though.
I can definitely sympathize with this. My husband and I got married when I was 19 and he was 21 and by time I was 21 I was ready for a baby! It was hard for me to see all these mothers out there with babies they were not going to take care of. My husband and I were both in college and made it on our own but we decided that it was best to wait. It was SO hard to wait but we did it. It was the best decision we ever could have made. It allowed my husband and I to graduate and he got an awesome job. He made enough money with his job that I did not even have to work. So by the time I was 23 we were really ready! I got pregnant with [name]Brady[/name] very fast and then [name]Quinn[/name] came along not long after. We took a break for a couple years and then we had [name]Elliot[/name]. Now we are still very financially secure and live in a house big enough for all of us and the twins when they decide to get here. I know how hard it is but it is best to wait. If we had went for it and had a baby earlier, I know I would have never graduated and I doubt my DH would have gotten his job. We would have made it work for our baby, but things are a lot better that we waited. We are able to provide for them in ways that we otherwise never could have. [name]Every[/name] situation is different and I am sure you would be able to manage, but from my perspective and the situation I lived through I suggest that you wait. This will probably sound cheesy but it worked for me. When I was at the place you seem to be in now, I went to the animal shelter and adopted a dog! That kept my desires to name and raise something at bay for the 2 extra years that we waited. Maybe that would work for you too. Good luck!
The key to this working is family support. If you have your mother and grandmother and hopefully other family members actively helping you especially when baby is born it will work out. In our family my brother and his wife fell pregnant in their second year at uni and went onto get their masters degrees. Quite an achievement! However, that is doing it the hard way, no frills and lots of hard work but if you both want it enough and have a great loving family to help you out when baby arrives it will be okay. (They waited 12 years for their next child!)
I really appreciate all this help! First, I want to respond to one person who was wondering if my husband was ready, and he’s as ready as I am! He said it was ultimately my decision, but that he’s ready now if I am.
As far as my schooling is concerned, I’ll graduate either spring or next fall. To be completely honest, I’m not even very worried if I don’t finish, as I’m going for Criminal [name]Justice[/name] and I don’t technically need a degree for the job I want to do, but i do want to finish. If I needed to take a semester off, I wouldn’t worry about it. However, I really appreciate all the comments from people with experience going to school with a baby or knowing someone who did. I know it will be hard (and to be honest I don’t study at all and barely have homework and I still am making almost all As) so that’s not really that big of an issue.
The main thing is my grandparents. We’re living on their property, but in our own house on the property. They’ve told me that if I don’t wait until they want me to have one, they’ll kick me out. Now, I know they won’t. i’m like 98% sure they won’t as my mother had me when she was 20 and they didn’t kick her out. They’ve told me that they don’t want to take care of it. I’m worried mostly about what this would do to our relationship. I know my mother and the rest of my family and all my friends are very supportive of my decision. My mother would let use move onto her property if it was needed, I know she would and we have several acres of property where she lives. It’s an hour away from school though.
So know the question becomes, what do you all think of the family situation I’ve just described? [name]Do[/name] you think it would work?
[name]Love[/name] you girls!
I am soooo glad you wrote about this, dantea!!
I am in a similar situation. We don’t have a house though, so I think that’s great for you! Working with kids is hard. I think, I should just be working with my own! [name]Ever[/name] since I got married I wanted to be preggo…but we knew we had to wait. Now it’s been almost two years and 6 months ago I went into what I think was a mild depression because I wanted it so bad. I just couldnt see the end of my college debt, and my hubby just started school. So I decided to be pro-active. I got a new job and I’m doing everything I can to work and save up money and pay off as much of my college loans and DH’s school as I can by the end of the year. I hope not to wait longer than that. It sounds like you have been really pro-active too. That being said, it is STILL really hard sometimes, and I always see the mom situations that you are talking about, although the ones that you see sound more extreme than what I’ve seen! Wow.
I agree with those who say that you should wait to graduate first, being pregnant in the last stretch sounds like a good option if you really cant wait. Having my degree definitely has come in handy. But, I’m only saying that because it sounds like you’re almost done and a few extra months won’t hurt in my opinion. But so many people have kids while in school. [name]Even[/name] my DH will still be in school if everything goes according to plan.
The best part of all this is that it is our decision and I am grateful for the decisions we have made/are making. This decision is between you, your DH, and if you’re religious like me, God. [name]Just[/name] like others have said, you sound totally ready. In fact, I was wondering if maybe you can send me some of those links and give me some tips? I would love to hear about ways to have a baby on a budget. I need to for sure! Switching from being the primary income provider to a stay at home mom or working part-time and ALSO a baby worries me, and I even lose sleep over it sometimes, despite all that I do to prepare myself to be a mommy. If I start a forum asking about ways to have a baby on a budget, will you help? Thanks and good luck, and congratulations on being the person that your baby will be proud to call mom.
I just read your post. I would say, go for it then! If he’s ready, that’s a good sign. I don’t think your grandparents will kick you out or feel differently about you, especially when they realize responsible you will be. And you have a back up plan. If you’re really worried, then name your baby after them. Kidding. Unless they have a name that you love!
ha ha My grandparent’s are [name]Dana[/name] [name]Lou[/name] and [name]Arthur[/name] [name]William[/name]. I love [name]Arthur[/name] and [name]William[/name] but not enough to use. @amenspanglish-- of course I would help you if you wanted me to! I have no problem helping others, and especially if i’m going to ask for help.
I just had a discussion with my mom, who had me when she was 20 and a single mother. She told me that they were mad for a while and everything was tense, but within a few months, they settled into it. And she was living in this same house I’m in now. She’s offered to give me all the old baby stuff and given me a ton more tips. I love my mother and I had a great childhood even if I didn’t always get to go where I wanted or have new toys, I didn’t always have the best clothes or the food i wanted, but I don’t resent my childhood. We spent so much family time together without spending money and we were so close!
She’s given me her blessings and offered to help, and I’m thinking I might go for it.
First, I just want to say that I know how hard it is to wait for something you’ve wanted all your life. I had the same ache in the pit of my stomach, before I had my daughter, when I saw a pregnant woman, or a woman with a young child. I wanted motherhood desperately! Know that you’re not alone in feeling that ache.
Second, I do think you should finish school. Or, I think you should figure out the best scenario for finishing your courses, and plan on ttc so that you would graduate before the baby arrives. You may not need your degree to get the job you want, but having the degree would allow you to go to any employer and say, “I can do this job, and have the education to support it!” It most likely would also put you in a position to get higher pay, and be in consideration for promotions over peers/coworkers that don’t have the degree.
Lastly, as Amenspanglish said, it is up to you and your hubby. You sound like your ready to be a mom, and aware that no matter what your income, or ‘life situation’ there is sacrifice involved. It sounds like you currently have a great work situation, with the free daycare for employees, and that you’ve got supportive family around you. Maybe you could talk to your grandmother about the living situation. She may be fearful of taking care of your baby, but talking to her about your plans, and explaining the planning you’ve done would help her understand how responsible you and your hubby are.
Good luck with whatever you decide. It is very hard to wait, but if I remember from previous posts you are still in your early 20’s, and I can promise you that the wait is worth it!! Whenever you have children, they will be lucky to have you as a mom. Hang in there :o
Thanks dantea! I just realized that you said spring or fall of next year, right? I really hope that you can graduate, but it sounds like you will be able to handle it with a baby because of the easy year ahead. Best of luck!
I agree that it’d be best to wait until you’re done with school to give birth… and like the PP said if you’re preggo and in school it’s not a big deal. I’m in a similar boat - fertility issues made me go full force into taking meds to get pregnanct even if we might not be 100% financially ready. I grew up slightly poor - and my mom was awesome and crafty and made things, was thrifty and went to 2nd hand stores… and I didn’t realize it til I was an adult that our homemade play-doh was basically free and my friends sotre-bought stuff wasn’t. With your supportive family and you & the husband working towards education and raises… you sound as ready as you can be Plus, it takes fertile couples 6 monthes to a year to become pregnant. You don’t know that it’ll happen the first try so maybe start trying when you know you’ll be done with school when there’s a baby. Also, my dad was in grad school when we were young and it was stressful but it helped the family income after a while since my mom didn’t work. We survived