[name_m]Hi[/name_m], long time nameberry fan here but I’ve not visited the site for a while! [name_f]Hope[/name_f] this forum is ok for a topic like this as I just want to reach out but I wasn’t sure who to.
We have 2 beautiful daughters who are now 3.5 and nearly 2. [name_f]My[/name_f] husband got a vasectomy in [name_f]May[/name_f] but I’m struggling to come to terms with it and accept that I won’t have another baby. I absolutely love being a mum and even though it’s hard and tiring my girls are my world. I’m finding it hard to process my husbands decision and accept that our family is set as it is. I am sad that I won’t get to announce a pregnancy again, feel life growing inside of me again, choose a baby name again and get to know a new human and a new personality all over again! Has anyone else experienced something similar and have any words of advice for helping me to process this and move on and be happy and present in our family of 4 rather than feeling sad that we are ‘done’ having babies?
Thanks so much for reading x
I still struggle with it at times to be honest, I flip between being grateful on the hard days that I don’t have a 3rd, and really wishing that I did have that 3rd.
Some things that sort of help:
focusing on all the “Big kid” things we’ll be able to do: hiking, camping, life being easier for me to do my hobbies, etc etc.
finances - being able to afford more extracurriculars and experiences for the kids that I have.
remembering that pregnancy doesn’t always mean a healthy, ‘easy’ child - a third could have all sorts of possible medical conditions or disabilities, and if it was my first then that would be easier to shape our lives around, but when we’ve already got two kids, is it a gamble we want to take? Could we handle the extra work and worries?
Remembering what pregnancy and postpartum was REALLY like, rather than the rose-tinted glasses that come with these cute kids in front of me
Seeing how, as a two, my kids are so close. Such a lovely relationship. A 3rd might open up the option of one child being left out. I’m one of three and while I adore him I think my brother DOES get a bit left out, as my sister and I can talk about girl stuff and parenting and gardening which aren’t so relevant to him.
But yeh, totally totally understand your feelings. Wish I could say I’d truly moved on.
I can relate. I had the decision for a second child taken away from me and that in itself - the confronting “finality” or an impasse - is hard. Then dealing with all the strong feelings around pregnancy, birth & raising kids. It does get easier though, especially as the focus moves to your kids’ school lives, friends and travel. The world will really open up in the next few years.
This may not help much but I mean it earnestly: my mother was addicted to babies (I’m not saying you are, I’m saying she was by her own admission - she really just loved infants and toddlers). Meanwhile, my Dad was and is a fab person but is easily stressed and even sometimes explosive. Anyway, without going Dr Phil on you, I do wish my Mum had really thought about my Dad’s strengths, desires and true emotional capacity more than she did. Her view was (and I’ve heard her say this to others), “just go ahead and have the baby, he’ll love it when it’s here”. But the plain truth is: my Dad was not a great parent because he couldn’t handle the chaos of (a crazy number of) children. He was either angry or avoidant most of the time, and my Mum did her best but was mostly focused on whoever was the youngest and herself and her marriage. This had more impacts than I can outline.
I say this as the voice I guess of your two children who won’t know it now and probably won’t ever, but it really is better for them to have a Dad who can cope with two and give all his resources to them (temporal, emotional and financial) than have additional siblings, but a checked-out, overburdened and/or resentful father. This isn’t necessarily going to change your feelings especially if you feel you didn’t have much control over this decision, but I hope it helps a little…
This reminded me of a phrase I saw recently that said: children deserve healthy and functional parents more than they need siblings.
As hard as it is to digest when you have all the feelings, it’s so, so true!
@procketx88x I am not in your shoes, so I won’t speak on the subject because I can’t pretend to “know how you feel”, but I just wanted to say that I hope you find your peace soon. xx
Thanks for your reply. That’s exactly it, some days I’m grateful that he has made that final call for us and allowed us that closure, because some of my friends husbands refuse to get the procedure done even after deciding they are done which I know I would struggle with even more! Other days I’m just sad I don’t get to do it all over again. I am also trying to focus on all the ‘next chapter’ stuff which is getting easier as my youngest gets older and I’m seeing them interact and play more and I’m envisaging that next stage when I don’t have a baby in tow and from a practical point of view things are much easier and more flexible! All the points you’ve made came into my consideration when deciding if I wanted a third but it’s like a head over heart thing… but especially the point about not wanting to risk an unhealthy pregnancy or child with additional needs that could compromise the life we can give our older two, plus the worry about a third being left out. I am one of 3 and I don’t recall ever feeling left out, I always liked the fact if one sibling was busy or out you had the other to hang out with! But if we had a third girl I imagine it’s more difficult for 3 girls to get on and be best friends more so than 2 who are either going to get along or not… potentially less family politics with just 2! Anyway thanks for your thoughts, I know it’ll get easier to come to terms with it in time, I’m just still in that process at the moment and trying to navigate my feelings on the finality of having the procedure done (and no he’s adamant he isn’t going to change his mind and want it reversed which some people have suggested might happen!)
Oh and Kiriko I read your post and the wonderful heart-felt replies you received. I too am very sorry for your loss and hope you also find peace with your family as it is xx
I can empathize! I felt like I was reading my diary as I read your post. Thank you for sharing. I thought all the responses were especially thoughtful and helpful. So sorry you are going through this too
xx
