Looking for some really honest opinions or personal experiences when it comes to being a single mother by choice (through use of a donor)
A little back story…I am getting to an age where I am heavily starting to consider having a baby on my own…I haven’t met the right person and time is moving faster then I would like it to. Im starting to realize the world isn’t going to wait for me, and even through I had different dreams for myself, I can’t imagine not being a mother. So maybe its time to consider going it alone.
Obviously this is a very big decision, but my biggest concern that keeps bothering me is ultimately, I keep thinking, am I being selfish? I’ve wanted this baby my entire life, but is that a good enough reason to have one? I can provide everything, but I cant give the baby a father. If it just ends up being the two of us forever, would it be fair to the child?
I wonder if there’s anyone out there who has personal experience with something like this they might want to share, or some thoughts if you have any. Hopefully it can help clarify some things for me.
Here is a discussion thread from a little while back that might interest you. It was more of a hypothetical question in this thread, but you might find some of the perspectives helpful perhaps.
Also, I believe @K_rassy13 conceived via sperm donor and is SMBC, and may be happy to chat about her process and feelings on the subject.
If they’re willing to, @Elle1 would be the perfect person to discuss this with. She has talked about it a bit before and is a great advocate for it and might be able to reassure you.
I don’t have personal experience with this, but I have a cousin who is a single mother by choice! She and her husband split because she wanted kids and he didn’t, and after a couple years she was in a position where if she waited to meet someone else to start a family with, it might be too late. She has a sweet little daughter who is 2 and they are very happy!
I’m sure there are lots of challenges to being a single mom by choice, as there would be for single moms not by choice. I think having a support network would be the most helpful in overcoming these challenges. [name_f]My[/name_f] cousin has her mother supporting her with child care and help, and other family members and friends have been supportive as well. I personally don’t think it’s “unfair” to the child as long as they’re surrounded with love.
My advice for the “thinking” stage is to look into as many experiences as possible. They’re widely available now, which is awesome! I bought a book, which is available for, like $4 on thrift sites, and I loved that it included an example of someone who considered becoming a SMC but decided not to. There are also podcasts, YouTube videos, online forums, and Facebook groups.
My theory on the "selfish" aspect
This might be controversial, but I think wanting a child is inherently selfish (whether someone is single or in a relationship). HOWEVER, everything after conception is incredibly selfless.
As for the “selfishness” of wanting a child on your own - I don’t believe following one’s dreams requires a romantic/sexual relationship, ever. Becoming a mom is a valid dream/life goal, just like education, degrees, careers, travel, etc.
The only potentially unfair aspect of becoming a SMC is being dishonest about the child’s conception. This rarely happens nowadays, but in the past, parents of donor-conceived children were advised to lie… If you’re always honest and open with your child, they will grow to appreciate that and retain those healthy communication skills
Let me know if you have any questions - I’m an open book!
I say if you want to go for it definitely do before it’s too late! I don’t think it’s selfish at all and I grew up with a single mother and had a great childhood😊 I also Babysit a little girl (18m) who’s mother had her through a donor and is currently expecting her 2nd with the same donor!!
I don’t think it’s selfish at all Honestly most of the time I hear people say that it comes from underlying misogyny. I’d definitely consider being a SMBC, actually I’m not going to wait to find someone or get married before I have kids lol I’m on my own timeline and personally kids are more important than relationships or marriage to me But who knows. I say go for it!
You live once, and then you die.
Live your best life.
If having a baby would be fulfilling and bring you joy (and you are in a healthy and responsible financial and emotional place in life), do it!
I grew up with someone conceived by known donor and she and her mum were and are very happy. [name_f]My[/name_f] family and another became like their extended family. I think she might have some weird feeling towards her father as he was known in her life but not involved, but nothing that has prevented her from being a happy and well-adjusted adult.
Thanks for the amazing support everyone! Im still very much in the thinking stage, but now I feel so much more content in the choice to be a single mother! I will continue to do my research!
I’m currently TTC as a single person. For me I realised that having a child was more important to me than having a partner. I was also going to need donor sperm to conceive anyway as I’m not into men.
Im not ruling out finding a partner but TTC only gets more difficult and more expensive as you get older and I don’t want to lose out because I was waiting for someone to come along. It was seeing how long it took for my queer friends to conceive that made me decide to go for it now.
I did a lot of research and evidence shows children of smbc do just as well as kids to two parent families.
@PerryWillow I am currently in between the thinking about it stage (I have decided that I becoming a smbc is definitely something I want to do and the actual TTC stage. Being a SMBC is something I have been thinking about for a long time and I am hoping to start the process later this year I have just a few things I want to get sorted first, including moving (about to do in 2 months) and losing some more weight.
I recommend joining a Facebook group for SMBC, the 2 I belong to are fantastic for both information and support and sometimes just to rant! I also recommend reading Going solo by [name_f]Genevieve[/name_f] [name_m]Roberts[/name_m], her book really helped me to realise it isn’t a selfish decision and I’m not alone in wanting to be a parent without a partner. In regards as to whether it is a selfish decision I agree with @Elle1.
[name_m]Feel[/name_m] free to message me if you would like to chat, compared to @krassy and @Elle1 I am very much at the beginning of my journey so they may be able to give you more detailed information from their experience in terms of the processes themselves, but the one thing I have found through all of this , is that everyone’s experience is different (especially as there are a few ways to become a smbc) I am also on the older side (39) so am happy to offer my thoughts from that perspective.
I cannot begin to express how much of a weight off my shoulders it is to have support in the nameberry community…you guys are amazing my next step is going to be to join some Facebook groups and do as much research as I can as far as doctors and donors. Thank you all for your help!
Honestly most of the time I hear people say that it comes from underlying misogyny. I’d definitely consider being a SMBC, actually I’m not going to wait to find someone or get married before I have kids lol I’m on my own timeline and personally kids are more important than relationships or marriage to me 
But who knows. I say go for it!
my next step is going to be to join some Facebook groups and do as much research as I can as far as doctors and donors. Thank you all for your help!