Would you ever have a kid on your own?

For most of my life, I’ve very adamantly said that I’ll never have kids - if I did, I wanted to adopt. Now, though, the idea of having biological kids of my own seems more and more appealing. I’m 15 and I don’t want kids until I’m 27-30, but I’m a planner so I like having an idea of what the future will look like (even though I know it’ll change a lot). I just don’t want to find myself in the position where I reallyyyy want a kid but I’m not in a relationship with someone.

So, would you ever have a kid on your own via sperm donor? If you’ve had kids, do you think you could have handled the pregnancy and everything on your own?

Thanks in advance!

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I absolutely cannot imagine having kids without someone else who is an equal partner. The responsibilities are enormous, and being the only one to follow through with everything would be terribly hard.

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I completely agree with @flamingo! I don’t feel like I was cut out for braving parenthood on my own. It’s a huge task!

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You have plenty of time to think about it and change your mind, then change your mind again. [name_m]Set[/name_m] goals for yourself and work on meeting them. Try not to worry about whether or not you’ll be in a relationship when you’re in your 20’s. If you are stable and healthy, and have a strong support system around you of others, it’s not impossible to parent alone.

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I’ll go ahead and weigh in as this is something I’ve considered myself and given extensive thought to, especially the closer I get to 30.

I’m going to echo what @flamingo said. There are, of course, women who do, but the amount of work and responsibility that would fall on just you is a lot. It’s hard enough when it’s two people raising a child, let alone one person. On top of that, as much as one may try and want to, a mother can’t be everything that a child needs. The father’s role is just as important as the mother’s. Again, not that it’s impossible to raise a child on your own, many women do and do it successfully. However, the child would be missing out on a significant influence in their life, and you on a partner to share the work, responsibility, and emotions. They would be impacted by it just as much as you would. As I’m reading this back, I realise that this may sound harsh and cause offence, which I certainly don’t want to do, but in my personal opinion it’s not in the best interest of the child or yourself.

Again, these are my personal thoughts and feelings on the matter, it’s okay if you (whomever’s reading this) does not share my viewpoint.

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I wouldn’t, I don’t have kids but there’s a reason parents say they’re staying together for the kids.

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I don’t think I’m brave enough to raise a kid on my own. I agree with everything @vim said.

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I was raised by a single mum (divorced parents), and a big part of my experience was that you’re always at the “mercy” of that one parent. I don’t mean this in an abusive/cruel way. Rather, if your parent is being unreasonable towards you because they’re just having a really bad day (happens to all of us - we’re human!), you don’t have another adult to “appeal” to who could step in and negotiate that situation for you. I’m sure that happened from my mum’s perspective too - she couldn’t ask someone else to step in when she was feeling too tired to deal with me and my big emotions (coming partially from being a normal teenager & partially from the trauma of divorce). I was a little jealous of friends who had two parents, because I could see how that improved their family dynamic and how parents helped each other to de-escalate arguments with their children before they got out of hand.

That being said, I wouldn’t completely rule out single parenting though. There are a lot of unconvential family set-ups that work beautifully, and the parents don’t have to be the only safe adults in a child’s life. Grandparents & family friends, etc. can have a huge impact on your upbringing. You would proably really need to have that “village” in place though before your child is born and good, reliable network of support to fall back on when you need it (be it babysitting, emotional advice, dropping off meals for you, contributing to the child’s emotional & intellectual growth, etc.). (I’m also plugged into the adoption community through friends and family members and in some cases social workers recommend that a child goes to a single parent home because that is the environment that would best meet their needs. Therefore, I don’t think a single parent household is necessarily always a negative thing.)

It might be a good idea to look up stories of people who have decided to go at this alone and see what they say about the kind of struggles they’ve faced & what the positives of deciding to go down that route have been. That can help you reflect on whether or not those are the kind of challenges you would be ready and willing to take on. However, I don’t think you have to make up your mind either way yet - your life will look very different 12-15 years from now, and when you get there you’ll have a better idea of what’s the best situation for you. For now, I’d just keep your mind open to different options and see where life takes you.

(Edit: actually, speaking of adoption, I think things people are asked to consider before adopting alone apply to using a sperm donor alone as well, so this might be a good list to think through: https://www.first4adoption.org.uk/who-can-adopt-a-child/how-do-i-decide/single-thinking-adoption/

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I might consider adopting on my own and think it’s a brave choice, but it is really important to have both parents if possible in a child’s life

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Thanks for all of your responses! This was, of course, just out of curiosity and I definitely agree with everything, especially what @flamingo, @loonylovegood, and @vim said! I also really appreciate your input, @Luminen, and thanks so much for the link :slight_smile:

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Agree with everything already said. I’m a single mom and would advise against purposely putting yourself in that situation. I feel like I make the best of it (most times) and have a great support system, as well as quite a bit of help, but even still it’s unimaginably difficult. Also, the decisions you have to make and responsibility that you carry by yourself immense, even if you have a lot of emotional and physical support. Like everyone’s said, it’s absolutely possible to still give your child a great life and have one yourself, but definitely not ideal.

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I personally wouldn’t. [name_f]My[/name_f] husband and I have had our moments in parenthood – there have been times when I thought “I might as well just do it myself” – but those are eclipsed by the countless moments I’ve been able to hand off the kids to him at the end of a long day, or get some sleep when one or both of the kids decides it’s party time from 2-6 a.m.

That said, I have a friend who is considering it and I think she would be perfect. She works with children, has a massive support network (very involved family and friends), and is incredibly confident. I can see her rocking single-mum-by-choice life. So I think it comes down to doing your research and preparing yourself for hard moments and thinking about what your “village” looks like – and if you think you can handle it, go for it.

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I think I would if I had a better support system and family nearby. And if I felt like my single income would be enough. I know many single-mothers-by-choice and don’t see anything wrong with it! It’s definitely a challenge though and I think it’s definitely easier if they have more money.

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I would not. If I was single in my mid/late thirties, then I would probably consider adopting a school-aged child. I think itsvetter for children to have two parents, where possible, but obviously one is better than none for the children that exist.

I was not really the woman that dreamed of being a mother since she was a small child. Even after I got married, I felt like I could have been okay having a child, but I also could have been okay not having one. That being said, I do have one child and I wouldn’t trade her for anything. However, I cannot imagine having had to go through what I went through during pregnancy and my daughter’s first year of life alone. My daughter was diagnosed with cleft lip/palate, a congenital heart defect, and a rare lung defect while I was pregnant. My husband and I were devastated and SO many of the appointments were super emotional. After my daughter was born, she had three surgeries in her first year of life and will have more in her future. Thankfully, she’s a completely normal toddler now, but man was all of that hard! I recognize that our experience is not the norm necessarily, but birth defects are quite common and can be very challenging both emotionally and sometimes physically, so I just can’t imagine potentially going through that alone. And that’s not even touching on the fact that caring for a newborn is hard. And it’s exhausting.

All that being said, I know many women who are single moms and they are amazing! It is certainly possible and if that’s what you end up feeling is right for you and you have a good support system and a stable life, go for it! You have plenty of time to decide and while it might sound trite, it’s possible you will change your mind about things when you’re older. But I personally do not think I could do it alone.

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Ok so I am 26 years old currebtly and I have a four year old son [name_m]Jacob[/name_m] who I had at 22. [name_m]Jacob[/name_m]’s father was never around so I was a single parent for two years until I met my husband. I was lucky enough for him to love me and [name_m]Jacob[/name_m] both . But if your a single parent it can be rough. I get that your a planner but your only 15. Wait until your a little older until you make the decision, because life doesn’t always work out the way you want it too. I wish you the best of luck on your journey!

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Being a parent is WAY harder than I imagined. It’s rewarding, it’s amazing, it’s also exhausting and utterly relentless. I can’t imagine doing it alone. Who would’ve helped me as I struggled with breastfeeding and no sleep and stitches in my nether-regions? What would I have done when I got a vomit bug and could barely take care of myself - I really REALLY couldn’t take care of the baby, my head was over the toilet almost constantly for a good 24 hours.

BUT, that said, there are loads of women who manage and do fine. Women who find themselves single, or suddenly realise after having kids that their partner is the useless, lazy type who thinks he should never have to so much as change a nappy and that life might even be easier without him. And they find a way to make things work. If having kids is something you really want and you find yourself single as that door seems to be closing for you, I definitely think doing it alone is worth considering.

Also though, you’re 15. If you enjoy planning your future or daydreaming then absolutely carry on doing so… But life is unlikely to turn out that much like you imagine it! Life just does its thing. So there’s no point in worrying.

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I debated this a lot when I was in my teens but now I’m a single parent, I wouldn’t choose to put myself in this position at all. I agree with past posters on that you need that other someone to help share everything that comes with a child and it is very hard by yourself.

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I wouldn’t. Being a parent is a huge responsibility, I can’t imagine not having someone to make the big and small decisions with, to talk things through, to just share you doubts with. And then there’s all the practical things, there’s no way I could ever get away from work in time to pick them up from school or day care every day.
But I suppose there are women (and men) out there who manage just fine. I think it’s easier if you have people around who can help you with things, like your parents picking them up from school or lots of family members around who can help out. I don’t have that.

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I’m a single mother, but not by choice. [name_f]My[/name_f] baby’s father took off when she was born. I live with my mom and my daughter manage really well with the support of my family, but being completely on my own without that help would be extremely difficult.

I won’t say being a single mom doesn’t have its advantages in regards to making all the decisions about how to raise my daughter, but I would definitely choose some kind of healthy coparenting relationship if I could.

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