How are you feeling now 
have you caught up with rest and sleep. Have you given yourself some emotional downtime. [name_f]Hope[/name_f] you are doing ok
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@meyera4 Thank you 
@anon25197097 Feeling better today, thank you. 
I had work yesterday, which was so busy I didnāt have time to think about anything else so that was good in a sense. Iām home today, so itāll probably be a quiet one. I still feel quite tired, so a nap may be Iām my future 
I spent an hour on the phone to my mum on [name_f]Sunday[/name_f] and that made me feel better - she also miscarried, so she was very relatable and reassuring.
Hubby had a neurologist appointment yesterday, and the specialist confirmed that his condition is not the hereditary type, and we donāt have to factor that in as a concern for our babies. Best news! That makes me feel better on one level, but then also makes the dark part of my brain go āsee, it is your faultā. I hate feeling so helpless! 
Not knowing why is the worst.
Sigh. I think Iām reaping the outcomes of hormonal upheaval. CD22 and no signs of ovulation yet. I think this cycle might be a long, annoying one (by my standards at least).
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Oh girl, it is NOT your faultā¦ but I get feeling that way. We try so hard to grasp and understand and make sense of what happened.
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@meyera4 I do know that deep down, but my brain likes logic and reasoning and having āno answerā is so frustrating.
My doctor said āso many tiny details have to go exactly right to create a human; itās amazing it works at allā and I know sheās right and itās no oneās fault. I just wish it was more black and white for sanityās sake.
Thanks for being supportive
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Hello everyone. Gutted to be posting in this thread, but here we are. I went for my 12 week scan today and had the shock of being told thereās no baby. Iāve had whatās called an anembryonic pregnancy, or a blighted ovum, which means the embryo wasnāt genetically viable so didnāt grow, but the pregnancy sac did and still produced all the right hormones. So even though I feel pregnant, Iām not.
I have to go to the hospital again in a week to decide on management options. I guess Iām just here for reassurance that it will be OK? That it doesnāt hurt too badly to miscarry? Iāve had one healthy pregnancy before, so that makes me feel a little better, knowing that I can carry a healthy baby. I was just so excited, so I guess itās more disappointment that this year is going to look totally different to how I imagined. And that there will be a bigger age gap between my daughter and her future sibling than I had hoped.
Sorry, this is a bit of a thought splurge. Any advice is appreciated 
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Iām so sorry to hear that @sabrielschild Iām afraid I donāt have any concrete advice other than not to listen to anyone who tries to minimise your grief. A loss is a loss whenever and however it happens, and Iām so sorry youāre having to go through it. Wishing you all the best 
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Iām so so sorry to hear this @sabrielschild Its such an awful thing to go through and nothing anyone can say makes you feel much better. As trite as it sounds, time does heal and makes a huge difference; you will feel better, but for now be kind to yourself and take all the time you need to mourn your loss. Itās so much to process, both physically and emotionally. If you can reach out to others who may have experienced the same thing I think itās helpful: just to feel less alone and more supportedāyou are so brave to begin that process by sharing here.
I have embedded the following, in case it is difficult/triggering for some people to read who may have also experienced this:
Summary
I have gone through the same thing so I can speak a bit to the process/what to expect at least as far as I experienced it. I waited for my body to pass the pregnancy naturally (which may or may not be an option for you?) and it started with mild contractions that progressed gradually. It was not pleasant, but as you have had a child before, you will be very well prepared to handle it. After the sac has passed, it really feels like a very heavy period. And I was mostly able to manage that stage with paracetamol or similar. (I also lost a pregnancy that was more developed, and that was a very different, more difficult, process). Speaking for myself, I felt so much better once it was all over. There was something awful about being in the intermediate stage when you are still feeling pregnant, but know you were not. Feeling like it was over and I could grieve and move on somehow felt like a huge weight lifted. I empathize so much: itās heartbreaking.
I really hope you have a good support system around you, and feel able to reach out to those you feel you can trust and feel close to. Wishing you all the best at this difficult time.
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Iām so very sorry. The grief of miscarrying is a pain I wouldnāt wish on anyone. As others have said, having a support system is so, so important. As for the miscarriage itself, here is my experience and some things that helped meā¦ (hidden in case it is triggering to others)
Summary
I had a missed miscarriage, which means my baby passed away but my body still carried on like everything was fine. I had all the symptoms and my hcg levels were still super high. [name_f]My[/name_f] doctor gave me three options: to wait to see if my body would eventually miscarry on it own, to take medication that would begin the miscarriage process or to have a D&C. Since my body wasnāt doing it on its own and I couldnāt bear the pain of continuing to feel pregnant when I knew my baby was gone, I decided to take the medication to start the process. It was the hardest and most heartbreaking decision Iāve ever made.
Miscarrying is a long process, so I took the medication first thing in the morning along with something my doctor prescribed for the pain. It took a couple hours for it to start. The cramping was mild (almost nonexistent with my pain medication) at first and progressively got more intense throughout the day. You will most likely pass the majority of the tissue towards the beginning and then it becomes more like a heavy period with occasional clots. After that, it is very normal to bleed or spot for a couple weeks.
Whether you decide to wait for it to occur naturally or have it helped along with medication (donāt know the recovery process for having a D&C), Iād highly recommend cancelling any and all plans for the first couple days. I decided to take my medication on a [name_m]Friday[/name_m] so I could have the whole weekend. [name_f]My[/name_f] husband was able to get off work to be with me and I was lucky enough to have my parents offer to watch my daughter. If possible, Iād recommend having someone in your support system there with you for the first day. Surround yourself with comfort foods, tissues, towels and blankets. I mostly laid on the couch and watched calming shows the first day, to keep my mind slightly occupied. Having a good book, music or something else you like could be helpful.
Most importantly, let yourself grieve. As long as you need to and any way you need to. The ways people handle grief are so different. There is no right way. But only after going through it can you begin to heal. The hurt will always be there but the sting of it softens over time.
Sending lots of prayers your way!
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@sabrielschild Iām so sorry for your loss, my dear. I am thankful, though, that you feel comfortable to join this thread and seek support. Miscarriage can feel so lonely, and somehow it can make you feel guilty for having bad news to shareā¦ but talking about it and being open with your grief is such a large part of healing. You are most definitely not alone in your feelings or experience. We will support you as much as we can, but itās important to have an in-person support system too. So, please donāt try to hold it all in yourself. [name_f]Share[/name_f] with people that you feel safe with. It makes the world of difference. Hugs. Xx
Yes, it will be okay eventually. Everyoneās journey is different, so I canāt speak to exactly what it will feel like for you or what your experience will look like, but it does get better. [name_f]My[/name_f] husband and I keep reminding each other that ābetterā doesnāt mean it didnāt happen, that it is less painful now, or that our babies are not as important to us anymore. It just means that we have learned to live with that little pocket of grief in our hearts. Being okay is acknowledging the grief and learning to live with it and cherishing the happy memories that we had when we still had our babies. It is getting on with life (I donāt like the term āmoving onā because it denotes leaving something behind, but my love for my babies is a constant thing that I will never consider ābehind meā) and going about it the best way you can. Not every day is the same, some days are rotten even months later, but you will get there. Healing is a journey that needs to be taken one day at a time, but eventually you will be youāre version of okay.
Take as much time for yourself as you need, and donāt let anyone rush you into āgetting back to normalā. Eat well, rest well, and love your body as best you can. If you can get someone to make meals for you that would be ideal, so that you donāt have to be on your feet too much.
As to whether is hurtsā¦
Summary
Iām so, so sorry, love, but it really does.
Again, I can only speak to my experience, but for me it was quite painful. I lived on painkillers for a week straight and had to take hydralyte tablets multiple times a day because I was bleeding so heavily that I felt exhausted and light headed. I was told that I would need to go to emergency if I continuously soaked a heavy pad in an hour, fortunately I only did this once and then it slowed down to an average of one heavy pad ever two or so hours. This was still a shock to me though, as my heaviest period days only require three pads and my heaviest day after my last miscarriage I think I went through seven or eight! For context, I miscarried at seven and half weeks.
My worst day pain-wise was, I think, the third day in. I was standing in front of the bathroom basin and had to hold on for dear life as my abdominal muscles contracted so hard that I was shaking and couldnāt move. It was a hot, sharp pain through my whole torso. After a minute, everything relaxed and it was never that painful again. A day or so later, it began to feel like a general period.
Visually, be prepared to see tissue and large blood clots (for me, they were so large I could literally feel when they passed out of me). I bleed for 12 days post-miscarriage, not including the spotting before hand.
Iāve been on high level iron supplements since then ([name_u]January[/name_u]) because my iron stores were destroyed from all the blood loss. I will be getting tested soon to see if they have balanced out.
I know it sounds so daunting and overwhelming and I really donāt want to or mean to scare you at all. I just want to be honest about what may be ahead of you. Itās a hard physical experience to go through, but your body can do it and will heal itself. It will be okay.
Sending you lots of hugs and love. I hope you find peace and comfort.
If you feel like sharing anything you donāt necessarily want public, please feel free to message me. Xx
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I am so sorry, @sabrielschild . You have gotten good advice, Iām just here to let you know you are not alone, and to take your time to grieve. [name_u]Love[/name_u] to you - Iām so sorry this has happened to you.
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You have a very compassionate heart <3 that is beautiful to see, especially in todayās world. Thank you for offering a safe space for people to share their hearts and experiences with such a taboo, painful topic.
I had two miscarriages and it is still painful to think about. They were a few years ago now. I hold a lot of confusion about them because I literally had some faint positives- plus a few stronger ones- and then boomā¦bleeding andā¦all of that. The doctor said they can be called chemical pregnancies, when it was that early on. Sometimes I wish I had an ultrasound and got to have something of them to hold onto in my memory but I donāt suppose that would make it any easier.
Almost equally as distressing was peopleās reactions. I didnāt tell many people and some of them were wonderfully supportive. They let me air out my confusion and pain, without talking over me. Others, such as my own mother, gave me a weird look and said that it didnāt sound right. They doubt it even happened. They werenāt there. Not even my own husband saw the first time because I had been wanting to get a dark positive test to surprise him with. [name_f]My[/name_f] babies existedā¦I at one point had two little butterfly decorations outside, until the weather took care of them. Iām going to find new ones this year and put them out again.
Also, the pain doesnāt quite go away and Iām sad that it carried onto the pregnancy with my son. We tried for years and then we got pregnant with him. I spent the first trimester looking for blood every time I went to the bathroom, then the second and third trimesters nervously counting movements. It was hard to let myself enjoy it because I didnāt know if he would make it (and, he almost didnātā¦my progesterone was very, very very low early on and then we had a scare with him a couple of weeks before he was born). Iām nervous to get pregnant again because I know what I would be missing out on, to lose another wonderful little person. It really truly sucks.
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Iām so so sorry 
as Iāve miscarried before the only advice I can offer is please donāt emotionally beat yourself up over this. And be kind to yourself. 
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Did some mathā¦ Iād be 33 weeks if my first pregnancy had stuck. Itās so unfathomable to think about. 
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Today is the year anniversary of my first loss. [name_f]My[/name_f] husband and I started TTC [name_u]December[/name_u] 2019. I had a medical issue in [name_u]February[/name_u] and we really didnāt get to try other than once Feb into [name_u]March[/name_u]. Well we must of done the trick because I took a test on a [name_f]Tuesday[/name_f] the day of my missed period and got a postive. I was thrilled so excited but something felt off from the first day.
[name_m]Thursday[/name_m] I took another test, slightly darker, I was nausous and felt off, almost feverish. [name_m]Saturday[/name_m] I decided to take 4 more tests, 2 digitals and and a pink and blue dye. I woke up [name_m]Saturday[/name_m] and couldnāt move, fever of 101.4, chills, coughing the works. I had covid-19. I took the tests and only 1 of the 4 were a faint positive. [name_f]My[/name_f] heart broke. [name_f]My[/name_f] husband took me to the doctor on [name_f]Monday[/name_f] but no covid tests were available ( this was [name_u]March[/name_u] 16 right after we shut down so tests were hard to get). They told me if I get any worse to go to the hospital. [name_f]My[/name_f] blood pressure was like 90/66. I was gray and I couldnāt breathe. Walking into the office was a struggle. I also called the OB but they refused to see me because I had covid symptoms.
[name_f]Tuesday[/name_f] [name_u]March[/name_u] 17, 2020, I started miscarring. It was like the worse period of my life, ontop of trying to survive covid. I ended up finally getting better with covid on [name_m]Friday[/name_m]. Then my husband got sick, though he only had a sore throat and was very tired.
Itās crazy itās been a year. And today Iām 12w pregnant with twins rainbows. I actually have an ultrasound today to see them.
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@PrincessShannon Thank for for sharing. Iām sorry that you had to go through such a horrible experience.
How magical to get double rainbow babies! 
Wonderful! [name_f]My[/name_f] friend has three week old [name_f]Rainbow[/name_f] twins and they are just precious. 
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Hey Berries 
How is everyone today?
Does anyone else find there is this weird tension between people that consider you a mum even though your baby(s) is(are) in heaven and those that donāt??
Iāve had conversations that include phrases like āyouāre not a parent, so you donāt knowā¦ā, but then other conversations along the lines of āwhen youāre a mumā¦ā where they included me in the collective.
I know it mostly has to do with each individualās personal beliefs on when life is considered life, etc, but my goodness it feels so hard to navigate!
Also, I felt rather affronted by my BIL the other day, who dropped a ājust have a babyā comment. In the context of the conversation, I know he didnāt mean any harm and I know he wouldnāt have thought about it the way I did, but it was like having a ton of concrete dropped on me. 
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Our downstairs neighbors just named their new baby the name I had picked out for the twin we lost (unknowingly of course) 
Itās been a new wave of grief seeing another little baby with that name and knowing that baby would have a completely different name mine had lived.
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