I’m almost 17 weeks along. We told close family about our pregnancy (3rd) within a week of finding out. We told them we were going to wait until the spring to tell others. We announced 2 Sundays ago. I just found out my sister publicly announced my pregnancy online the day we told her (I was 4/5 weeks along). So freaking mad! I guess I’m just on here to get some advice and to know that my frustration isn’t just me being ridiculous and all these pregnancy hormones.
Disclaimer: Rambling’s Of Teenberry Ahead
** means a place-holder name
I’ve never been pregnant (thank god-I’m a teen) but if I was I’d be ticked off if someone was just like “oh by the way, [name_f]Hanna[/name_f]** is pregnant” when I already told them I wasn’t planning to annouce right now. I’d be frustrated too, it’s my baby, I want to annouce it when I want to announce it, not when you want to announce it. I’m not sure what you can do about her doing it though, unless you stop updating her on your pregnancy and when she asks why I suppose you can tell her “Well the last time, I told you something, you went directly against my wishes and told everyone when I told you not to do that.” But like I said I’ve never been pregnant so you can take what you will from my rambling.
Definitely not just your hormones! You have a right to be upset; someone you trusted took private information and announced it to everyone.
Unfortunately, I don’t think there is much you can do except let it blow over and perhaps ask her to take the post down.
My FIL announced my first pregnancy on Facebook days after we told him. It was past the 12 week mark, but I’d been planning on waiting for the sake of waiting, and also I wasn’t sure how much of my extended family had been told by my parents yet (not super close anymore, but still, they deserve to know from someone, not through me being tagged in a status). I was livid. I ended up making my own announcement and posting it the next day for damage control. I was angry for months.
It looks like you’ve already announced, and you found out about it later. I’m not sure there’s much you can do other than have a conversation and let them know it’s hurt your feelings. And maybe your expectations going forward. For instance, we didn’t tell anyone when we were going into hospital to have the baby, only told them after she was born. We made it very clear they weren’t to say anything on FB, send photos to anyone, or tell anyone else the name before we had had a chance to announce. We locked down our FB accounts so no one could post messages on our walls congratulating us, and we had to approve tags before they could be seen by our friends. This would help isolate an early announcement so only my husband’s side of the family could see things from my FIL’s FB for instance, rather than my side also reading it from him rather than seeing it from us. (This was especially important as I live abroad and the time difference meant my family not knowing first was a real possibility).
When it was time for baby #2, we laid our our expectations very bluntly and immediately when announcing.
Just some things to think about going forward. I’m so sorry this happened to you. You have every right to be upset!
I understand the frustration. It’s one with accidentally sharing a secret in conversation, it’s another to share it on social media.
I would suggest forgiving them, but do not tell them any other updates before you want it public. This goes for gender, names etc.
Girl, I would be soooo mad!!! I don’t think it’s just hormones at all, you have every right to be upset. I don’t know what you should do, because honestly I don’t know what I would do… I don’t think we’d be on speaking terms for a while, honestly. I think that’s one of the rudest, insensitive things to do!
My mother did this to me after the birth of our first baby. I had asked her to wait to post her FB announcement as I wanted to do it. She always told this lovely story of how she personally called everyone from her hospital bed right after I was born and was like “hey, I just had a baby” and I thought I would be the same.
When she came to the hospital that same day she told me my cousin had said congratulations and loved my baby’s name. I was so upset that I had missed out on being able to share the name myself. Then, when I asked how they knew, it came out she’d done a huge private FB chat with all the extended cousins (not just immediate family) and told them right away.
I want to say it’s just out of excitement, but my mother was never very involved and now we’re estranged. I always felt she liked the title of grandmother more than being one. So I can’t say if your sister is the same and just wanted attention (like I think my mother did), or was simply excited, or didn’t think. It might not have been malicious, but it was still thoughtless.
I wish I had said something to my mother then and there but I chickened out. I am not good with confrontation. I’m not sure still, to this day, if she knows how much that hurt me. So I don’t know what you should do either.
Thank you all for your help and sharing your experiences. I haven’t told her that I know. I’m so tempted to keep the gender a surprise from everyone once we find out just so it’s one surprise we can have to share for ourselves.
Oh that is terrible my mom did that too with our first but she has me blocked and didn’t think I’d see it.
With our second, we told my dad and my in-laws when the baby was born. My mom and sisters found out when we told extended friends and family.
Although you are touched that she is excited for the happy news, tell her that was a breech of trust and not okay.
Online privacy is a big deal, and will continue to be so once you have a child whose privacy you will be responsible for protecting. Let her know that this is something that is very important to you.
Her accounts are hers, of course, but ask that in the future, she check with you before posting about your private information – this will include personal info and photos of baby. Of course, you will do the same with her private information as well.
So, so true. I’ve talked to her about not using my photos of our children that I only allow family and friends to see (not public) and to stop putting them at the top of her profile where it’s public! Sounds like I need to restrict her from seeing anything I post.
Sharing photos on social media is a slippery slope. Not only can they often be shared and reshared, but a lot of folks will not pick up on or care to pay attn to the subtleties of access / distro permissions. If you have folks like this in your inner circle, making things very clear cut may help eliminate confusion. E.g. I ask that no one post/share/reshare any photos of my children that I share. E.g. you only post photos with baby’s face blurred out in case they repost/share/further disseminate.
I would be mad too! It wasn’t her news to share especially in such a public way!
However with that being said it’s been my experience that the older generations don’t understand social media etiquette unless it’s been specifically lined out for them. And younger folks who have not had children of their own (and don’t participate in forums and stuff like this) don’t understand how big of a deal it is to announce and share baby news on social media.
So while I’d be mad (and sad that I didn’t get to share my news) I’d probably tell her how I felt (and why) and then move on.
I’m sorry that happened. I think it is pretty well known that if someone is 4 or 5 weeks along it’s still private, even if you did think it was ok to publicly announce someone else’s pregnancy
Thank you all so much for all your help. After finding out now that my mom also shared our picture on her page, it made me deactivate my fb and insta. Yeah, it’s nice that you “love” the grandkids for your image, but you don’t even talk to us or have anything to do with us, but twice a year; birthdays and [name_u]Christmas[/name_u]. So frustrating.
I don’t have any experience with any of this but I just want to say I’m sorry this happened, must be really frustrating, I know well that conflict with close relatives hurts very much, I would say talk to them about this calmly and try and forget and forgive
I’m so sorry that happened to you! You definitely have a right to be upset! She is free to announce anything about herself NOT about you unless she has permission. From here on out, I suggest not telling her anything right away.
My brother and SIL went through something a bit similar years ago, so DH and I purposely waited to tell anyone other than our pastor/his wife (we needed support) until we were ready for the world to know. We each told our families within a few minutes, then posted online right after. No one had the chance to spill the beans.
Congratulations on your little one.
While I don’t have an exact experience with this I do have a similar experience.
When my first was born Indid a whole fb post telling everyone “I’m heading to the hospital baby is in the way”… well after my baby arrived I was figuring out how to perfect my “the baby has arrived post” when I saw a comment on my original post that said something along the lines of “From reading your sister and SIL’s fb I can see that your baby has been born already. Congratulations.” I was angry to say the least- one of those aunts didnt even hear the news from me or my hubby! … to me it seemed obvious etiquette to not say anything if it wasn’t your child. But maybe not so obvious (one of those posts was from an aunt who I know was genuinely excited to be an aunt again)
Without hashing to much into the personal details… I will just say for all future posts I made sure me and my hubby were loud and clear to all immediate family who was and wasn’t allowed to be told information and was also equally loud and clear that not one word could be posted on social media until they were given the go ahead by us. Two more babies since and it hasn’t been an issue.
I’m sorry your family disrespected you like that. I would be upset as well. I had a similar issue with my engagement. I told a few people but was waiting until the morning to tell my grandmother we I was engaged at 10pm. Well someone I’m still not sure who, told my cousin, and my cousin called my grandmother and told her that night. I was so upset my cousin took my moment.
When I found out about my pregnancy now. I only told like 6 people before 8 weeks when I got my first ultrasound. After my first ultrasound I told all my family and close friends. Im 11.5 weeks now and still haven’t officially announced on facebook. Though at this point anyone that sees me on a regular basis knows as I’m having twins and already have a little belly that obvious.
I am so glad I have a place to discuss this. You all have been so helpful and sweet and understanding. Thank you so much for your comments.