My son is now 7 weeks old. Before we even began TTC my husband and I had agreed on the name Thomas Pierce if it was a boy. We did not know the gender until birth. We had agreed on this name because my husband is a 7th generation Thomas and asked that we keep the tradition alive and noted that it really meant a lot to him to have his first born son carry his name. I understood where he was coming from, but that is the only reason I agreed to the first name of Thomas. I knew it meant a lot to my husband. However, I agreed under the condition a son would be called by his middle name since my husband, his father and our BIL are all named Thomas and there is already confusion on who is Thomas versus Tommy versus Tom and I didnât want to confuse a little boy even more. Yes, his sister married a Thomas too⌠I also really want my son to feel like his own person and independent from the 3 other Thomasâ in the family, not like he is just one of 4. Additionally, I do not get along with my FIL at all so itâs already a bit difficult to stomach that my son carries his name as well. He exhibits behavior that I would never ever want my son to display so knowing my son is named after him literally makes my stomach turn sometimes. I just remind myself it is my husbandâs name too and he is named after him not my FIL. Sadly, my husband wouldnât even consider using my fatherâs name, Derek, as the babyâs middle name, so it is rather frustrating that I am expected to extend that respect and option to him but not receive it in return.
We communicated to everyone in advance that a son would be named Thomas Pierce and called Pierce. My husband stood by my side during many of those conversations and never once disagreed or came to me afterwards saying he wanted to discuss a different option. I was very particular about a middle name knowing it was what we would call our son. My husband agreed to Pierce and said he loved it. When our son was born we announced him to the world as Thomas âPierceâ. Out of nowhere, during our 2nd day at the hospital, my husband begins insisting we call the baby Thomas and not Pierce. My gut has always told me he had a conversation with his father when he stepped out to go home and feed our dog that day and he then had the pressure from his father to call the baby Thomas. I just dont know what else would make him suddenly flip flop like this. His father had already voiced to us that he didnât agree with him not being called Thomas when we first told him the name while I was pregnant. When we filled out the paperwork at the hospital this became a giant argument. My husband completely denied that he was ever willing to call the baby by a middle name and gaslighted me. He even went as far to tell family that he never agreed to it and say I am manipulative, controlling, hormonal, etc. and insisted they call him Thomas. I eventually began receiving texts from his sisters, female cousins and aunts asking me for my feelings on it which really just felt like passive aggressive pressure from them and not genuine concern for my feelings. Getting bombarded like that when I am 3 days post-partum and arguing with my husband was just way too much so I began blocking them which has now led to big blow ups with each of them as they realize Iâve removed them from my FB, FamilyAlbum photo sharing app etc. I had named a photo album âPierceâ and his father immediately called him saying âShe changed it to say Pierce!â and my husband snapped so I changed it to say âThomas Pierceâ. None of them can possible acknowledge I need space and am hurt. Instead they are calling me toxic and unstable. It was clear my husband wanted to control the narrative on our son and his name and I didnât want to be involved with those 3rd parties. The message eventually got to his father that I was voicing how betrayed I felt to family and he began telling my husband I was a crazy person, being vindictive and he should consider divorce.
I was hesitant to put Pierce as a middle name at the hospital because I was afraid this argument would continue and I would end up never being able to use the name Pierce for a potential second son. Also, if we were set on not calling the baby Pierce I would have preferred to have his middle name be a family name on my side so it at least had some meaning and my family traditions were represented. Every first born male on my side is named James (called Jay, Jamie and Jim) and I sacrificed that for my husband to have Thomas. I told my husband I would be willing to change the name and sacrifice the name I love, Pierce, if we named him Thomas James and called him TJ but my husband refused on the TJ saying no only Thomas. I ended up sobbing in the shower at the hospital for a good 20 minutes, and have cried every single day since. I left the hospital just feeling hurt, depleted, confused, betrayed, etc and it completely took away the excitement of bringing my baby home.
I insisted we speak with a couples therapist to work through this because it became so volatile. We are making no progress and we continue to argue about it almost daily. Family members are confused and my family and friends have begun to just make up nicknames for him like âTPâ (yes, like toilet paper!!) and even random things like Little Tuck. My husbandâs family is just calling him Thomas Pierce which I say is way too much for a tiny little boy. My husband and FIL are still insistent on it being just Thomas. I have always just called my son âthe babyâ because of this whole ordeal. My husband snaps if he hears me saying Pierce. I liked TJ so that he does not fall into the confusion of the Thomas, Tom or Tommy. It is already unclear who in the family is Tom versus Tommy. They all want to be Tom and I imagine my son will grow up to want the same.
I am still so upset about all this and it is literally destroying my marriage and now my relationships with his family. My family would never even dream of inserting their opinion on the matter, let alone pressuring me, insisting on calling by a certain name, or texting my husband and pressuring him. It is so upsetting that my husband just jumps in on the bandwagon with them and never ever defends me noting he sees where I am coming from and why I would be upset. Not only that it is stealing so much joy away from our relationships with the baby. We literally cannot be around the baby together without it becoming an issue because my husband will say things like âYes, you are such a good little Thomasâ and I get upset. It is stealing joy from not only me and my husband, but our family as well. Babies are meant to be celebrated and enjoyed, not for everyone who comes into contact with him to feel confusion and fear over what exactly to call him. My guilt is just becoming so unbearable. I have contemplated just giving in to my husbands wishes and calling him Thomas but then I begin to question the betrayal and where else my hand will be forced during the raising of our child and again begin to think of wanting him to feel like his own person. When I ask my husband why he is insistent on calling him Thomas and why the legal first name of Thomas is not enough he tells me it is emasculating and that he never agreed to Pierce. That is it⌠To me, that is making the name of our child all about his ego with no concern for the childâs well-being or to allow our son to have a sense of being unique. I am sorry, I do not feel that being one of 4 Thomasâ makes you feel like a special individual, but that is just my two cents.
Any suggestions on how we can come to an agreement? I feel like rather than building a bridge we are just both retreating further and further away into our own camps. I feel ridiculous changing his name at this point when we have so many things monogrammed with Pierce on it and things like monthly update photos with Thomas Pierce. I know my sonâs lifelong name means way more than a photo or a blanket but I kind of worry my son will see those later in life and know we had this huge disagreement over his name. Ultimately I still want him to be called Pierce but would see TJ as a middle ground. I feel like I have already been more than accommodating.
Am I being crazy here? Am I being too stubborn?
you got this Mama!